The Head, The Heart, The Gut

This post has turned out to need a lot more thinking and writing than I initially thought it would. That is often the case but this has been a bear. What I think happened was that I never really tried to vocalize some of these ideas before but they exsist in the abstract for me, and for the purposes of being clear I can't go around being coy and just touching on a few topics. Forgive me if this is not clear to you and please let me know where you might have questions, additions and/or omissions.

We as human beings have been given the unique gift of the brain. With it, scientists claim that, we are able to  master languages, and problem solve, I personally don't think either of those things are uniquely human but for the sake of argument I'll just leave it at that. The brain is a gift, and for recorded history it has been useful in solving problems although I would argue that the problems it has solved have not necessarily been problems. Maybe the brain is more useful in creating problems than solving them, but let's not get too far afield.

The brain is just one part of the whole system that makes humans unique, and some of us use that part wonderfully. Those that were born to use their brain, use it almost to the exclusion of all other abilities, for instance look at Stephan Hawking, even with ALS he is still effective in inspiring and changing the world with thought. HIt should be said that he is lucky to be living in a time that really honors that sort of activity, but he is on his path and he lives, and was born, to use his brain. That cannot be said of all of us, me for instance, I do not use my brain half as effectively as he does. My heart and gut speak to me louder and than my brain does. My brain wants to be loud but it's really just a mess most of the time. When I speak to people, if I were to think first I would not lonly upset others I would confuse them as well, not because I would say the wrong thing but I would not say everything and it would be a mess that I would have to explain every thime I opened my mouth.

Instead of trying to communicate some thought, I step aside and allow myself to speak, or allow myself to be the deliverer of the message I hold. I have learned through my portrait facilitating that we are all connected, this is not new to any of us, and by stripping away the cognitive and allowing that connection to control the interaction leads to furthering relationships as well as personal growth. When I have an urge to communicate, for me, trusting in that intention to communicate is the first step to successfully reaching others. That intention reaches the consciousness of all things and so it is not always necessary to have to explain why we did  or did not say what was or was not said, we are saying what we were called to say. Under these circumstances it is important to listen very carefully , not just to those we are communication with but to that which is guiding our communication.

Listening happens all the time, we listen to others and we listen to ourselves. When I listen, I open myself up to receive, rather than trying to anticipate what will come. By allowing myself to hear and speak I have to shut out my brain, because my brain is much more comfortable knowing something than it is not knowing. It can not be overemphasized that I am speaking strictly of and for myself here. Some people relish the brain and thought puzzles are intriguing, but for myself contradiction is necessary for balance, there is no absolute and my brain really likes to have absolutes, that in itself is a contradiction and one I carry with some trepidation.

It is much easier for me to connect with others when I allow myself to not over think. My brain can not adequately process what it doesn't understand, it relies solely on past experiences or of learned knowledge, it regurgitates and revisits what it already knows. When my brain is given new information it can look at it and find new information but I am lead through that process by my gut and heart. The brain produces hormones just by thinking, our bodies responds to that immediately often throwing us off kilter and into a reactive state. But that is only the brain. It sounds like the life of a teenager sometimes aware and fully in tact and at any moment they can fly off the handle with an emotional reaction to something, anything. The teenage years is when the head brain, the one we most often call "brain" matures and asserts dominants. But that brain does not work in a vacuum and, all in all, it does have a lot of use alone, obviously.

There are two other neurological centers we use, neither of them "think"  in the way the head brain does, which is lucky for us, the last thing we need is 2 more brains looking to solve problems that don't exist or react to threats that don't exist.. These brains to which I am referring are the heart and gut. They are developed before the head brain and are much more in balance with the rhythms of the universe. Unfortunately these brains have been given little or no value in our current 1st world society and so developing them is not easy. May parents in the United States actually don't aid their children in developing these aspects of their personalities at all. Who could blame them? The competitive nature of scholastic achievement in the first US today has taken precedent over metal, spiritual and physical health.

It is not easy to shift away from rewarding children for being "smart" (meaning being cognitively adept) because we have no way of rewarding other types of growth. It is common to chastise children when they take risks and push their physical abilities to the point where they may get injured. Unfortunately that is exactly what they are supposed to do. In the United States we protect our children because we see them as little mechanistic brains but they are spirits that need to follow their instincts. Children are exploring the world and if they are afraid of it they will not make it. When a 7 year old wins a spelling bee and gets rewarded for their cognitive ability they are learning a very dangerous lesson that is more suited for a 14 year old.

I found this outline on the Preserve Childhood website:

GUT BRAIN PRIME FUNCTIONS (development years 0-7)

• Core Identity: A deep and visceral sense of core self, and determining at the deepest levels what is self versus not-self
• Self-Preservation: Protection of self, safety, boundaries, hungers, and aversions
• Mobilization: Motility, impulse for action, gutsy courage, and the will to act

HEART BRAIN PRIME FUNCTIONS (development years 7-14)

• Emoting: Emotional processing (e.g., anger, grief, hatred, joy, happiness, etc.)
• Values: Processing what’s important to you and your priorities (and its relationship to the emotional strength of your aspirations, dreams, desires, etc.)
• Relational Affect: Your felt connection with others (e.g., feelings of love/hate/indifference, compassion/uncaring, like/dislike, etc.)

HEAD BRAIN PRIME FUNCTIONS (development years 14-21)

• Cognitive Perception: Cognition, perception, pattern recognition, etc.
• Thinking: Reasoning, abstraction, analysis, synthesis, meta-cognition, etc.
• Making Meaning: Semantic processing, language, narrative, metaphor, etc.

I Try not to think about these as different "Brains" as much as different parts of us. I was working with a great friend of mine Allen Baker and he suggested, to explore these different parts to allow myself to think of something from my gut alone, then the heart and finally with my head. This separated all the gunk of a situation.

My gut spoke to me of fear and safety and addressed where I belonged both spiritually as well as physically in relation to the subject I was focusing on.

My heart brought me together with with others allowing me to be more emotionally invested, or aware, of the bigger picture and not only one side of that bigger picture.

My head took a much more cold view of things, which I can appreciate but separating it from the gut and heart made it much more difficult to care about others and the outcome. My brain is pragmatic and we all need to be that way on occasion but it is not the only way forward and it is not what we ought to be rewarding. But how can you reward empathy, when it is learned it can be faked. What can't be faked is the feeling one gets when they really care and share in this life experience and have goals that include the world around us.

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Early "Memories"

In my practice I see many people who are looking to deepen their self-reflective gaze in order to better understand themselves and how they interact with the world. Although everything in the universe happens for a reason and there are no coincidences, it is not always easy to see how we are related to it all. It is important it remember who we are at the time we are looking. That is not so easy to discern as many of us, I am sure, can attest to. My portrait process is special in that it allows the subject that unique ability to look at themselves from the outside, as the observer.

When I get to certain point in our sessions where I feel there has been a  number of significant things shared, this can include deaths in the family, major triumphs or traumas, goals past and present, and a host of other sorts of interactions with the world whether they be in the past, future or present, I have a host of questions that could be asked. The one that I get great responses from is "What is your earliest memory?" It has been the case that knowing what the earliest memory is helps considerably with where conflicts between belief systems arise.

The earliest memory is interesting because I, personally, do not care if what they tell me is actually their earliest memory or not, what I care about is the memory that comes up. In my work what is perceive is way more important than what would be "fact," because that is the world in which they are living and creating, fact is usually just a perception from an outside source. We primarily live in a world built by faulty memories. Memories make up the world around us much more than the world around us does. Everything that is of the world is neutral, we define good/bad beautiful/ugly and so no. Nothing has a definition other than what it happens to be, and neither do we. People choose to be "something"

We choose to be angry, or happy. We choose to be grateful or greedy. It is easy to say the world and our surroundings made us who we are, and in effect you would be absolutely correct in saying that. On the other hand if you decided to choose differently you can change your situation, but it is not easy. When you do accomplish that change, and you say I made myself this way, again you would be correct in saying that. Neither of those statements, "The world made me" or "I made me" are true mind you, but you would be correct in making them.

The earliest memory question does a lot of things, first it allows the person being asked to say anything because I, as the facilitator, could never prove or disprove an answer. It also allows subconscious links to past memories on subjects that we are covering. We all have specific memories that are very important to us that, for whatever reason, are vivid and clear, but others involved in the memory don't recall at all. For my own health and self reflection, I take note at what I may have learned about myself or others, these have rarely been positive things. I feel that, for myself, if a memory lingers it is against my nature and may be a place that needs clearing. So many signs are stored inside us and it doesn't always, if ever,take a huge Ah-Ha moment to get beyond them, sometimes it just takes recognizing them and taking note when we give in to them.

It has seemed like everyone, when asked, has known their earliest memory prior to being asked it, but it always has ties to some of the biggest conflict areas in their current lives. Its a difficult task trying to figure out the brain and its relationship to the universe, which is why I do not question the answers I hear. They may only be the answer for the time I ask it, and that is fine, the is perfect actually, because then it is honest, and that is what facilitation requires.

What are some conflict areas you are sorting out? Put out there, like for myself I value what I do but I do not have a drive to exchange it for money but that is a must moving forward. now ask yourself what is your earliest memory, for me at the moment it seems to be my father no being home when I was a child. For me that shows that connecting with loved ones and money, my father was always "working," do not mix. For me to sort through  that conflict is going to be important and to be sure I understand that I can just as easily connect with others while getting paid fairly as I do when I do not. I can also donate 1 full session to those who can not afford them for every full session I get paid for. This is in line with my desire to help and be open and available.

Reactions Are Reflections

There are so many things we react to, each and every one can be learned from. Of course if we attempt to learn from every reaction we have we won't have time for anything else so lets start with the big ones.

When I get angry it is a clear sign that I am not in balance and some work needs to be done. I often hear people tell me "This" or "That" thing or person "makes me angry," and I see how that can feel and seem, especially in today's world. What I want to cover is that it isn't the person, their actions or the thing that is actually making you angry, it is you, and your imbalances. I am sorry to break it to you.

When an experience comes my way in which I react with anger I first have to separate anger from what it is I might be blaming the anger on. It is not the guy who cut me off, it is not my boss telling me to rework some nonsense, or the kids who picked my pocket but it is only anger, and when I can see the emotion for what it is, not judge those the brought it about in me, I can examine it. In examining the emotions, and the circumstances that brought it about, I am in a better position to learn and move on.

Anger comes about for a lot of reasons, it is often an emotion that we use to cover up other emotions, it's retaliatory. I hear people say "I have the right to be angry" and although they are right, anger is probably not what they are feeling. I say this because, just by saying "I have the right to..." they are justifying. That statement also presupposes that there is another observer which could be the self, the one that wants to do the work of healing. Here, the speaker is just looking for permission to be angry because if they were not angry they might have to admit they are not balanced. For myself this is 100% the case, and I actively work at understanding myself enough to accept that anger is needing more balance.

Once, in my early 20's, I got so angry and slammed a heavy wooden door, it crushed and mostly severed the tip of one of my fingers. After they put my fingertip back together, for months, I couldn't help but look at how one split second change my life forever, because my finger would never be the same again, and it was all because I was angry. I don''t remember what set me off but as soon as my finger was just hanging there, whatever it was that made me angry just didn't matter anymore.

We permit ourselves to be angry for all sorts of reasons. I usually see people being angry to cover up a sense of weakness. This is associated with shame, fear, and inadequacy which can really go into that shame category, and probably a whole host of other deep seeded issues that these emotions direct us to address. Unfortunately we don't have the kind of culture that values this sort of work.

In the US we value wealth, greed and strength. All of which are also used to cover up the chasms that exist within us. Greed is fear, plain and simple. Wealth, although often disguised as a way to help others, is used to eliminate the need for faith in others and close relationships. Strength and perseverance are rewarded over weakness, but without weakness we cannot learn the true meaning of strength. We not only have lost our way as a country, or world, being lost has become the ideal lifestyle somehow, it is praised, it is valued over all else.

Because the value system is so off kilter we can't be expected to learn how to be what we are meant to be. Only a small number of people will be truly geared to excel in the world as it has been built by a small number of Europeans. That is not to say we don't all have a purpose or a way to excel in the world as it is, it just might be a bit more uncomfortable for others than the few that can just pick it up and run with it, a case for not comparing ourselves to others, but we still do. When we compare we compete, it is part of that world created by that small number of Europeans.

Competing is about seeing where you fit in some linear scale. It reinforces the idea that some belong and some don't. When we do not measure up we feel shame, to counteract that we find those that measure up even less. This is not hate, it's fear. This is not people acting as they are truly but acting as they have been taught, they have learned they will be rewarded for being stronger. They are innocent, and have never learned to reflect.

When we reflect it is our just to take the steps to be more in accord to our true nature, there is nothing to read because no one has your answer other than you. The faith you show in yourself is due to your knowing that however you react to what the universe is showing you is a message from that unique inner voice that is in concert with all the billions of other unique voices, none of any importance but the world would not be that same without.

Looking Inward to Connect with the World

In a world that is increasingly “all up in your shit” it is important to take a step away from it all. We are bombarded by solutions to problems that don’t exist. We are constantly creating problems and deteriorating the pillars that we rely on to sustain some semblance of connection to one another and all that is. We find ourselves papering over the cracks in a home that what made for us specifically.

Social media, politics, poverty, food, air, human rights, everything that surrounds us deserves our attention. So where do we place it. How is gun violence or rights more important to some than poverty, and why is local poverty more important to others than global. Are these problems solvable? Are they someone’s responsibility?

What about the arts? Entertainment? What about all those things that are telling us what we need? Are nonprofits truly helping others? How can we know? Honesty, with the US presidency on the block these days there seems to be an acceptance to allow people to act like children and fear monger for votes, Trump directly and Clinton by scaring people against Trump. It is a real mess. So where do solutions exist? How do we take the concerns of everyone and move forward?

I think people are increasingly getting sick of being told what to do, what to think and how to live. I know I am. I much prefer to love everyone around me and I have found that doing that opens me up to love myself that much more. Trusting my path is not easy, but it is essential. I practice being honest every day, I look at my bais and try to locate its source. I watch myself feel fear, anger, and shame, when they arise I look to what caused it and it is often that I want something from myself that I do not know how to give myself. I use that to explore what I lack internally.

How does that help the world, is it not selfish? I do not think so, I see it as healthy.

We are all one. I don’t think that statement can be argued by too many people, and if does cause an argument is not worth engaging in. So if we are all one then we are part of a singular consciousness which is us. When we have a focus, drive, desire, inkling or thought, it is coming from us individually and as a whole. There is too much wrangling thought because of “reality” or “being realistic.”

Life is in front of us and we can fight it or enter it with passion and trust. When we feel the need to fight, we fight, but that doesn’t mean our opposition is wrong, it just means we were both looking for a fight. Of course this may seem to only work when everyone is on the same page and moving toward a goal of being totally honest with a love for themselves and the world, but I think it can be an uneven struggle as it is today. Sometimes we lose lives of those that are honest, those are hard lost battles on the forefront of our consciousness, I am grateful for the press that those have been receiving as of late, but know that there are struggles that you will never hear about. Keep those in your heart as well.

Be honest, not blind, Susan Sarandon said “People are awake” in an interview the other day and she is right. The more people that wake up the more they will inspire to wake up. I want to connect and help those that are beginning to wake up to take a hard look at themselves, honestly. There is very little that can be done when we look outward and judge without looking inward with love.

Portrait Counseling : See Yourself and Love Yourself (some initial thoughts)

Portrait Counseling starts by accepting the ancient idea that we are all connected, that we are all one. Whether that be through a god, the quantum unified field, cosmic consciousness or any other of the myriad way we have discussed all being connected. Accepting that we all harness that which is in everything, allows the patient and counselor to immerse themselves into the sub-conscience, connecting them to that which is all of us.

In Portrait Counseling, like in traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), there is fluid discussion to find repeating patterns of thought that may be in conflict with the desired goals of the client. Portrait Counselling is unique to traditional CBT in that it adds the portrait process to the initial session. Portraiture allows the counselor to focus on the the client while discussing issues or diverging thoughts. This process wholly entangles the artist and the person who they are rendering. During this process there is information shared and the focus and intuitive concentration of the counselor it spelled out within the portrait. During this initial 2 hour session the conversation may ebb and flow over a variety of topics, the whole time bringing the client and counselor closer, understanding and sharing through the intimacy of entanglement.

The counselor, or artist, then trusts that connection allowing them to create during the session. As the discussion flows and the patient shares the counselor allows intuition and spirit to guide them. Although written notes may be taken, the portrait is the primary record of the session. Upon completion of the portrait and the session there is a dialogue about what was create and what ideas get stirred by the portrait. The patient is encouraged to reflect on the portrait over the following days taking notes as to what thoughts arise from the portrait, what may be frustrating or comforting to them. The counselor is given the same task and notes ideas that came up during the process of making the portrait. It is important to understand what information there is for the patient to glean, and what information is solely that of the artist.The relationship between the patient and counselor grows over time and it is important that these portraits not be seen as finished artworks but as bi-products of the work being done.    

The goal of this type of counseling is for there to be a greater understanding of self. Trusting our path, and that we are all on a path contributing to all that is, is a great step to loving deeper. Looking at oneself is not always easy, we are critical and can see past mistakes much clearer than we can see future success. Blame is often a way to divert that which we will eventually take responsibility for, and Portrait Counseling can help ease that transition so that we can more easily stand up for what we want rather than be distracted but what we are told to want.

This processes will not open you to to anything you are already not open to. If you hold beliefs that you no longer want to hold, this process can open a path to letting go of those things you are ready to let go of. Looking at yourself is not easy especially when done from a place of entanglement with another person. When you are alone you can hide from yourself, but when you are seen there is nowhere to hide, and you will find that the instinct to allow and be yourself will overwhelm you, love will be there to hold you, and moving forward will happen when you are ready.  

Reflections

Today I took a hike, literally. Those of you who know me, or read the hiking blog on my website, that won't come as a surprise. It was wet and a little muddy but it was tranquil and clear. The air was cold but not so much that I needed anything more than a hoodie and a light jacket. It was poignant that there were puddles throughout my walk, they reminded me that along my path there are things that could appear to obscure the way but if I just keep taking one step at a time either going through, my preferred method, or around I will be making forward motion, and that is what we are here to do.

But there was a lot more about today's hike that stood out. Those puddles, because it was such a clear day, and the puddles were very settled because there were no other hikers or horseback riders out on Christmas day. shown the sky crystal clear and blue. so not only did the puddles remind me of the ever present pitfalls along our path but it showed me that those were also the the things that would hold the image of our higher self. I have not been shy about saying I am a god, and I am not shy about being it either, but today is a great day to be me,  I hope the same goes for you.

I am taking more steps to voicing myself also. As it is Christmas day I reached out to both of the women that I have been moaning about recently, my friend responded my ex did not (yet). I hope I would have been fine if both had not responded but I will say I was happy to have one respond. I reached out to my ex with the goal of talking again one day, that might have been a bit much but I wanted to voice myself, not in a needy way but with a desire that I do not want to hold within myself to fester. If she will not respond I will have my answer and be able to let it go. I will not say I can find "better" people than her, because I don't know that I can, but I can find more people than her.

It was good for me to reach out to them, but mind you I reach out to many people on Christmas day, I write many cards also, as you may recall from an earlier post, so it was not just to test the waters of those relationships. I examined my motives and my feelings trying to put off sending them until it felt most in sync with my nature. In that way I didn't have to think about what I was going to write I just let them flow and sent them off.

I also took a call from my father, who I also sent a text to, I would hate to get a text from him first seeing as we only speak on these occasions. It was new for me to do a lot of talking but I took control of the conversation, I told him about my feelings, my medications, I also allowed him to speak but I didn't just listen which is my normal mode of talking to him. It felt honest, I didn't just amuse him, I was strong with my voice and inclusive, I hope.

It is going to take a lot to manage my voice, I mean I am a god, people might get a bit turned off by that lol. I am sure there will be situations in which I talk too much and being on the arrogant side of things, lets call it confident, I might go a bit overboard. I do not want to argue though, I would rather just go it alone than argue my case, I don't have a point all in all, I only want what I want and as of today I still have a lot of figuring out to do about that.

So I learn and continue to learn.

I Can Be A Strong Woman too

Okay we have seen over the past few days how entangled I am with strong women. It stared with my sister at 2 days old and continued bouncing from one strong women telling me whats what to another. There was only one time in my life that I chose to take the opportunity to figure out what I liked.  I had a monthly checklist that read something like this...

Monthly Bombardment List

• 4 music shows (at least: 1 jazz - 1 rock - 1 concert/classical)
• 2 theatrical performances
• 3 movies (at least: 1 foreign or documentary)
• 4 restaurants (American traditional does not count)
• 10 art openings/galleries

Being an artists helped a lot with all of this, I was able to go to shows for free and it helped me understand music, culture, and people a whole lot more that I had. Which is probably why I don't understand intolerance. I did it for about a year and it was a pretty regimental thing. On one Friday night I was able to do 3 galleries, a theatrical performance or movie, and a restaurant. It was a lot of fun. in the middle of that year I found a strong woman, not one that I have mentioned as of yet, but she came with me on many of my bombardment nights.

I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.

It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.

Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.

Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.

By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.

I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.

So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.

I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.

So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.

Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.

Taking What I Want

I realize now that I have not been super clear in any way about what I want. Not with women, not with food, entertainment, my time, nothing. I fell for two women in my life, but everyone else was just convenient or easy.

Of the two women I fell for I dealt with them the same way, I addressed my attraction to them verbally, which I feel is respectful and a good way to breech the subject. As a sober person I have never overstepped my bound with others.Which again might be a good thing, but to be able to see what you"want" (and I put that in quotes because I have only really wanted 2 women thus far in my life, but how many women I may "want" is immeasurable) and take it ,holds a lot of lessons, lessons I may not need.

There has been, for a long time, the idea that I be celibate, but I am never quit sure if that is because I do not get sexual offers, or if it is is something I really want. Not getting offered, and I am not talking about a women just looking to fuck me, I mean women do not express interest in me very often at all, is a shot to the ego. I have been known, by me alone because I do not share this publicly, to feel like women do not find me attractive. This is crazy because I think I am a sexy man. I am fit and intelligent and well rounded, kind but firm when its needed. I also have had an expansive and exploratory sex life when it is active. All that doesn't mean much when I am looking to feel attractive and not getting much interest, or attention, on the physical side from women.

 I have a lot of great relationships that, when I was younger, I would have traded for a few sexual experiences, but that's not  true today. Today I see that my friendships are more important, even with those women that I am attracted to. I express to them that they are beautiful, but those words have not really been returned and that is hard to examine sometimes. Deep down I wish I knew for a fact if my friend, the one that took leave of our friendship, found me attractive or desired me at all. I want to be found attractive, sexy and desirable. Maybe it is because I am a man that does not act. Were I to act maybe there would be sentiment returned to me but at what cost? and what would happen if a woman did express that she found me attractive? I may use that information to feel better about myself and not be the man that I think has a great deal of integrity.

Celibacy, it is not easy to make that decision, although making that decision might be easier for me, at least for the time being. The thought crosses my mind and I can't help but think about how attractive I am these days and think I will lose that in time. That reads as not having the opportunities that may present themselves today that one day won't.

This brings up my gambling issues, I am the type of man who chases his money. When I had suffered a loss at the track it was not uncommon for me to hit the casino afterward to attempt to win that money back. It was the same thing I experience with alcohol, drugs, and tobacco, its a beast. I have rejected women who have come onto me in the past, mostly when I was committed to another; I love commitment in a relationship although I have learned I do not want to expect the other person to have those same feelings. It is a crazy thing, chasing my money, but it is not about having the thing I am chasing, it is all about missing the opportunity to having now that which I may want to have someday. One day I will want to have sex and if I am being offered an open door to it I, when I was younger, may have just jumped at the opportunity. Mind you I am not someone who takes advantage of others that are high or drunk, that, to me, is not real nice and I would not feel good about that at all. The times women have made passes at me they were drunk so its no prize to win that.

I want to consider celibacy, but I want to be sure it is rightfully chosen. If I were to choose that and use it to attract women; because we all know people want what they cannot have, it would be dishonest and a manipulation tactic, I am not that guy at all. I have to know I can say no, and I do not know this, nor might I ever. Because of this, I can  not say that I am choosing celibacy, I happen to be celibate at the moment because I do not have any options for being sexually active. Things like Tinder I find do not entice me unless I am feeling extremely lonely or horny, which happens, but I have still never made an account.

I do enjoy flirting and getting that ego boost, I sometimes flirt and then fantasize briefly but that is as far as it goes, now if it were to go further would I, if I chose celibacy, be able to not go to the inevitable end. I would definitely have the power in all of those interactions, that is if I were able to make that decision. As a man I wouldn't have to be putting myself in danger by making this decision either, whereas a straight women very well might because it can be a dangerous thing to tell a man no.

I never did want to take that which I shallowly wanted. That is a great guide for me but with all of my looking to others for approval or permission it is not easy to make that decision, I don't know if you noticed but sex has an overwhelming majority of fans out there. Making the choice to be celibate is kind of a big one, and one that I would be proud of, although nobody would know it, who do you talk about your sexual life with? Nobody new that's for sure, a few friends maybe, I don't even think my family would know, I would just make that decision. Now of course that decision could change over time, but it has to be a choice I make, and one I make to love myself more. It is not a decision that has rules associate with it, I am not making a pact with anyone, this would just help me have closer friendships with women and allow me to let go of sexual thought all together.

I am having dinner tonight with a friend, he asked me where I want to go and I can not decided although I am using this as an opportunity to make a decision, any decision. I have to say it is difficult because I really don't care, but I want to care. It feels a bit stressful but I am gong to choose and I am going to be flexible, so if he want to go somewhere else I will be open to it but I have to start off this new life of learning what I want on the right foot, I will make a choice and it will be perfect. I had no idea this was going to be this difficult and scary, I almost want to cry over choosing a place, how crazy is that? Take that into account when thinking about me choosing celibacy.

All of these writing are happening because I am sorting through a lot and writing it out is great, I don't expect anyone to read it but if you have I hope you are inspired to look at those things in your life that stop you from being the best you that this world needs. I love you.

The White Knight

So I am no angel. I have fantasies about being that white knight that shows up at the most opportune times and having all that I need to solve the problem of a women, preferably a strong one. Even saying those words makes my chest puffs a bit, but that's natural is my guess. As an animal I want to be that for someone and it has to be okay for me to have those fantasies. Although there is  a bit of shame attached to it.

I have been that person before but I notice, in thinking back, that there were times I tried to be the Knight and really just messed things up and said "I am only trying to help." That couldn't be further from the truth. What would be more appropriate for me to say would be "I am trying to look good in front of you by assuming I know what you need." I actually learned not to do this a long time ago when my girlfriend of 9 years left me, and although there were more lessons for me to learn, that was a good one.

Being the Knight has everything to do with my ego and nothing to do with me.  While driving today I had the thought of rescuing my friend who would be pulled over on the side of the road. There was nothing real about that imagined scenario, and if the fates had planned something like that to take place, it would without me thinking I am some superhero "Johnny on the Spot."

I was doing some things for myself today, I was out on a walk last night and tore my jacket, it was a Patagonia, so I just took it in to the store today to get it repaired. I felt, because I was out, I might as well look around on the Magnificent Mile because I never get down there and I have been looking for preference as of late. I was really happy with myself, I tried on a $1200 pair of shoes that I have been coveting for over a year now and I took myself out for a hot cocoa where I innocently flirted with a woman after her and her friend asked for directions.

That flirting may have caused my to feel a little ego boost which could have, in turn, caused me to have the White Knight daydreams. Either way I am not a White Knight, and I have no interest in being one. Stopping the daydreams is not necessary though, allowing them is important but, I do not want to build on them. This is how I think about all of my thoughts, I am going to have them, but when I start actively building them, and making them conversations and scripting actions, it gets to be too much. I try to just let the thoughts slip through me just recognize them and let them go.

OMG I Think I Understand

So I had a realization an hour ago or so. I am the brother of a strong woman 11 months older than me. She is traditionally financially successful. She was, and probably still could be, very athletic. Actually, in all the ways we graded or judged children in the 70's and 80's, she bested me. I remember a time where I yelled "I can't even draw a straight line" insinuating that she was so much better than I was in every way.

When I came home from the hospital as a newborn, my sister, an 11 month old, handed me her bottle and never again drank from a bottle. This was my first interaction with a strong woman. That must have made quite an impression because strong women have been telling me where to be and what I wanted my entire life. I mean, again, I was happy to be in the shadow of my sister, growing up I had no choice, we went to gymnastics meets, where I would entertain myself, maybe talk to people or just sit quietly. I never dictated where we would go or what we would do, only what I would do. Asking others to do what I did was really a burden to me, still is.

To be honest I don't know what I want but I find it along the way. Maybe that is okay, but I do want to hold onto the strong women that enter into my life. It's no wonder these women leave feeling like I am suffocating them, no one said that, but I can imagine that is how it feels. From where I stand I can honestly say I don't know how to know what I want. I am flexible and easygoing some might say. But how can I find my preference?

This makes a lot of sense, but what do I do with that information?

Well lets continue to look at my preference evolution and where it has been real detrimental.

I love making art but I don't have the same drive and I am not always so inspired to make it as I see in people that I think are really artists deep down. This is some hard work to do by the way. To look at the last 20 years of my life and tell myself I was wrong, that's not easy. Also to remember how "right" thought I was to be making in that way. This is not scary though, I have a deep sense of calm about me, I know that I am being held and that I am loved. Everything is perfect.

Now, that production work I was doing and loved so much. It could have all be a rouse to get me where I am today, and; if so? That is great! I love it here. I am on the brink of connecting and I got there by really being critical of my own place, my mind, and how it looks at the world through my own inner dialogue. My production work got me in front of people, and I don't mean on the internet, I mean it got me interviewing people and that was what was great about that work. I got to connect and really effect, and be effected, by others, that is really living.

I am tingling inside, there are changes afoot.

My life is so freaking amazing, and this new realization that all things are possible is because of what someone else did. That is why it is great to be around people that you love, deeply. That love is such a road sign, sure I will be hurt, but if I take that hurt as a challenge to understand why I hurt, and not rely on blame to explain it away I can achieve so much more.

The hugely ironic thing about all of this writing and processing is that I am doing it because my sister requested I process it this way. I had no intention of processing it through writing, again I listened to this strong women, acted and was lead to where, I think, I needed to go. It is not easy to be here though because now I have the responsibility to actually do this right. I could just shun all the strong women in my life, or I could get loud and be one of those people who is hell bent on others not telling them what to do, both of the women that left me are these types of people, but that is not what I want to do. I want to do this healthily, if that is possible. now that I know this is an issue I have to start to hone my voice, seek it out, seek out preference, and look for those places that I am making assumptions on what I want by what I had learned from others.

This is a real challenge as I see it. I have to sort through so much now that I have, what I believe, is a source of my lack of preference. I have for years counted on others to show me preference and I have only been attracted to those women that can provide me with preference. Hence that attraction to strong and vocal women. Both of the women that I have counted on over the past 10 years for help in this area were survivors, women that have chose to fight for a voice they were not inherently given due to the households they grew up in. That makes so much sense to me now that I know what I have been subconsciously looking for, or lacking.

My challenge is to figure out how I like things or how to figure out what I like, so much seemed so fine for so long. I felt like I had a handle on things by allowing others to dictate but I can see now that it is not about dictating it is about having a voice. I don't have to dictate what others do but I do need to make a decision about what I do. Saying "no" is not about refusing, it is about choosing. I think when I figure these things out I will be more able to be in touch with, and love, myself. "Choosing" will help me love myself becasue I will better define myself. I am glad I am learning this late in life becaseu I have a lot of the other things kind of sorted to where I am comfortable with them, although it will be difficult I am happy to be here.

There is no easy way through this though, it will be a day to day thing that will exist through trial and error. I am already looking for opportunities to express my desires and needs. I have a voice and I want to use it, I will become more attractive this way, to myself and to others. I can not fear becoming and asshole, nor do I think it is necessary because I am not an asshole, that will inherently guide me to that which I am.

Wow our brains and bodies are amazing aren't they? I had an issue that I was not even aware of, of course I knew I didn't have preference, people remarked on that my entire life. I laughed it off thinking it was a good thing, and it was, for a time. I am attracted to thinking that no preference is the best, but I see now that without preference how do I live and with what drive amI proceeding forward? There is so much to learn about preference that I have never explored and it is now just a playground for me. Luckily I have done this sort of thinking before with many parts of my personality, thinking and actions. So much of those things though were guided by, influenced by, and dictated by strong women, and how lucky I was to have them. may life started with my sister and mother doing the dictating. It is no wonder I am as loyal as I am and the feelings of illness that centered around my father when I was younger probably have a lot to do with that. Why would I listen to my father when I already was devoutly listening to my mom? I was afraid of my dad, and who knows if I had conflicting feeling about him or not, I am sure this preference issue is not the only one I carry with me.

I can count the women that guided me throughout my life, all strong, not all of them were lovers but they all had strict rules they lived by, and for me to adopt a new set of rules was never difficult, I lived by my own set and they never had to do with anyone else so I never had a need to have others share them with me although I would adopt the rules of my guides fairly easily. Actually one of the girlfriends along my path had a last name that meant "guide," go figure.

This is really amazing and I am so excited to know that this is something that I can let go of. I can take control now, there was so much fear around this, I can be my own friend now, I can love myself more now it is opening up all sort of thoughts. I do not have to be something I am not, that is totally new. I do not have to play a game. I have always been open, and wholly myself, when interacting with others, but there was a part of me that not only was pliable, because I think flexibility is still important, was looking to be shaped by others. I do want to shape that myself and be strong within myself, that has been a preference for a long time and I am excited to get to a point where I can have a strong women friend and not only be myself but voice myself and actually feel that I do not want to take part in something so I don't, sounds easy, but I am sure that will be some work for me.

Okay so I am going to end this post with just some thoughts I have about moving forward with this new information.

• I will be alone so as to be obliged only to myself 
• I will say "no" where and when it is necessary 
• I will not allow habit dictate my actions
• I will be aware of my own loneliness, and when I feel that way I will talk to myself, offering companionship and love 
• I will try new things, and things that I have dismissed, with no preconceived notion on whether I like them or not
• I will listen to my inner dialogue about what I like and what I do not, what I want and what I do not
• I will not openly, and continually, do things in which I say "I don't care, sure"
• I am my new best friend I will build that relationship

There is probably more but I will keep this post short LOL, more processing to come

Just Laying it All Out

The posts I have been putting up have been just me sorting through some of my recent pain at a loss of another amazing woman in my life, all to aid in me becoming a better person. I have no idea if it is working or not but I feel like a fool both in having the pain I am currently having as well as why I lost my friend in the first place.

Sure it wasn't my fault, but how can I see that without a voice, and, as was mentioned in previous posts, my voice is not present because I have no preference. This pain I am experiencing is not from "her" or anyone. It is me, the one place I hold preference is with who I choose to share my life with, and that is a great many people mind you. There are just some people that you connect with on a whole different level,and it seems that the connection I had with my friend was not the same as the one she had with me. And again I didn't do anything to disrespect her in any way, and she was clear about that, at least as far as I can recall.

I remember when my Girlfriend of 9 years left me, I didn't take a whole lot of time to sort through my feelings I just got on with it. Had it not been for my being diagnosed with MS I may still be just getting on with it. but here I am holding the bag and with nothing to do but really look at it all and see what I need to do to meet the challenge being presented to me. Sure, I am sad because of what I perceive I have lost, but it doesn't control me.

The losses I feel are deep, because with her I rested my preference, which in turn held my superficial feeling about myself. To see that is important. Day to day I would feel drastically different because I wasn't fully in control of what I was feeling, I was more interested in what this woman thought, and she probably didn't think about me much. So how productive was that?

I do need to find where my day to day superficial acceptance of myself is, I deeply love myself but when others come into my life that know what they want right now, it is an injection of energy. I want that, it resides in me, but I, for whatever reason, am not in touch with it. So that is another reason I am laying this all out for myself, to see what work I need to do to get myself back to oneness. To be the God I know I am.

All of this reflection, brought on by pain I am causing myself after a friend makes a decision for her own life, makes me look at myself and the places where I hold shame, or disappointment in myself. Of course in my mind these thoughts are brought about with the aid of the person, or thing, that allowed me to hurt myself (are you following? that is a difficult one) in short I am the cause of my pain, but using someone else to bring up judgment of myself which I will look at. The judgment that I am feeling abut myself is a telltale sign that there are changes that I want to make within me. The reason I know that is that I am here judging myself, through someone else who has never express judgment toward me at all, these thoughts are coming from somewhere, they are coming from me.

It is important to note that I do not use the word "should" when talking to myself, I replace it, and have done this for over a decade now, with "Want" or "Don't Want," that makes things a whole lot easier to understand for me. I don't believe I "should" do anything, I look inside and figure out what I want to do, and that is how I do. Again without a preference it is not always easy to know what I want to do but that doesn't stop me. If I don't know what I want to do I might just sit in the dark and just be there, until a time comes where I am being and doing something, those are great days.

I had an easy way of knowing what to do there for a while, I would just phone my friend and we would have dinner, laugh and play cards. It was easy, maybe too easy. Now I hurt at the loss of the ease of the friendship, and all that it served in my life.

I am going to get back the the topic of me judging myself and the things that I am looking at changing shortly but I am intrigued with the combination of things going on here. All pointing at me and the places I need to grow and, as I see it, mature.

One place I need to grow is knowing "Click Bait" when I see it, and sending out "Click Bait" when I am hurting. I see this as when, in a friendship or relationship, I test the water, or the water is being tested with me, within a text or an email. I have to remember that if I am sending a message that requires a response I want to be honest that I am not pressuring the person I love to give me the response I want to hear, and if I am feeling needy that is not the responsibility of any one other person. I have a lot of friends and I would like to utilize them all constantly, not just when it suits, or is convenient. They love me as I love them, it is mutual. Now if I can only love myself as much as I love them, things would be sitting pretty. This is tough because it also requires me to care for myself and take myself out on dates, to distract myself from others because I am important to me. But, and this goes back to the judgment thing, if the time I spent with myself is in judgment well... Would I want to be in a relationship with someone that judged me every day? No. So why am I judging myself, I want to see myself as being my soul mate, because I am. Now start to treat myself like that.

On the whole Click Bait issue, if I am aware of the answer I want when sending a text that I would consider Click Bait, I want to be aware enough to  not send it in the first place and love myself enough to provide myself with the answer I want, without needing the approval of the other. This is mastery of self.

That kind of smothering of another person is unnecessary. Again I look at the maturity of it. I love myself more than that too, more than to be in any real pain about the loss of my friend. I know that we are connected, I also know that I am connected, and will be forever, with my ex-girlfriend We may never talk again but we share space in this universe, and that's not just wishful thinking. I am a powerful being, and I love extremely openly, so there is no need to feel sad, because I know that life gives me what I need and I am a good listener to life, as I was once told by a women I love dearly.

Too bad there is pain attached to it, but good I say, I loved her and she is no longer here, I once again build her ego. That is something I feel a fool about, and have felt a fool about within our friendship/relationship. It is not hard to see why she had to get away. I was telling myself a lot of stories during our friendship/relationship (If you are not following I am talking about both women here) and never left room for her to come to me. When I felt lonely I reached out, it was that easy, too easy.

Because I was doing the reaching out , I was the one that needed, I was weak. Not in reality but in the situation you understand. So by inflating the egos of the women I loved, I was inadvertently deflating mine. It was a maddening cycle, of my needs being more and more intense and my ability to not reach out less and less likely to happen. This is the point I started sending that "Click bait." I was asking for approval, why did I need approval because I was constantly getting it, time and time again I would reach out, and until it is too much it is fine, but when it becomes too much, it is sad. I understand that and again I am happy for these women to have seen that and stood up to it. My only hope is they do not think I am a sad person. its a tough one really, because in thinking that in the first place I am putting stock in what they think, while all I want is to put more stock into what I think, another mind fuck.

I don't know if this goes hand in hand with anything I had experienced as a child. but the one thing those strong women have is a sense of being too needy, and that is very likely what I became, or what they saw me becoming. That is weakness from me, and their love for me, would easily turn them from me. They know I don't want that any more than they do. How do I stop this from happening again? That's a good question, it would be hard for me to stand up to anything without preference, but maybe trying not to make excuses for the needs of others would be a start.

Yesterday a friend of mine called up to get a ride to pick up some medication from the Walgreen's, I didn't want to do it. There was no reason for me not wanting to do it I just didn't. I did do it though, I made excuses and allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it, he is a friend in need but the exchanges we have are very one sided and I give a lot. That may have happened with both of these women also, it is possible that I was not giving as much as I had and started to demand more.

This is hard work being a responsible adult.

Who Do I Share With?

The big question I have now, no longer being deeply connected with someone on a regular basis, is; What do I do with all of this information about my daily life.

I am sure it is normal when going through a break up, if you were sharing a lot. Well, my best friend and I shared, or at least I shared, I can only guess that she did also but I can not say for certain, that is something only she has access to.

Funny story about my sharing, I like the tea Constant Comment, and that was a nickname she called me, "Constant Comment Garcia." I hope is wasn't a negative nickname, and I don't believe it was, but you never know. Actually when it came to them both, her and my ex-girlfriend of 9 years, we had little inside jokes among us about that exact tea. For my friend it was the "Constant Comment Garcia", and for my ex it was "Church Lady Tea."

I feel odd about comparing the two of these women so closely, but the respect I had for them was very similar.

I am writing this, not to understand my relationships, but to understand what I feel I am lacking. both of these women had it, I am sure of that. These women, just being in their presence mad me feel much more capable. That being said, I may have wanted to fill that which they filled in me, in them, in a way that was more physical or articulate.

When talking to my friend about my ex once I said "We were a team, one of us supports while the other takes over the world," in response she asked who was taking over the world, and without missing a beat I told her it was my ex. I had no intentions of taking over the world, but to support the women who would. That is how I feel, again this touches on me not having preference, and I am definitely not done with that Pandora's box, but not right now.

So how can I turn all this onto myself, how can I support myself, well without preference it will be kind of difficult, seeing as I have nothing to support. And why would anyone stick around and praise the support. A house either integrates the support into itself or uses the support until it is built up enough to no longer need it. So now, obviously, the people I support have built themselves up enough to no longer need me and I am here standing in the middle of nowhere supporting nothing.

Who am I? Why do I not see what I can be supporting in myself, does this all stem to my inability to have a preference?

I feel like I am groping in the world, trying to support something, I want someone to define what it is I need in my life. I am embarrassed to say that, although I have wanted a pet for a long time it was me seeing my friend's cat, and her interactions with it, that made it happen for me. Sure I love my cat, but I have noticed a bit of indifference creep in. That is how crazy I am. Also I am doing Air B&B, and sure I am good at it and people like to stay here but I don't care about it, deeply. There is a lot to consider these days, and without preference how do I go about considering them at all.

I am worth supporting, for sure. I know this, it is the basis of my life. After my girlfriend left me a dear friend of mine told me, "You will always be Marty, no matter what. She was able to be someone else because of you, but you are YOU." That made me feel real good. It said that no matter what, I was me (obviously). That is a real awakening thought. no matter who I was with, or where I spent my energy, I was going to be me. I would change over time, but not for someone, or because of someone other than myself.

Who am I today? I am me. That is the same me I was before only older. and yes my ex and my Friend both influenced me, and I hope I influenced them also, because I love and respect them and to not have their love and respect would crush me.

Why? Why does what they think of me matter so much to me? Again does that make me weak, well maybe.

It is lonely to not have that one close friend that I can share with. little triumphs and struggles, feeling and indifference, it all means so much more with someone. I am writing this all out so I can work out for myself what is here inside me to support making it impossible to ever need another lover, but I don't think I can live forever without a best friend, I have too much to share.

Preference? WTF is that?

So I have known for a long time that I have a problem with preference. I don't care about so many things that I find it hard to choose between those things that I am so indifferent about.

This may be because I was in a 9 year relationship in which when I was told to choose something and it was never the right answer. That being said, what I was choosing was to be with her.What we did meant nothing to me, that we did it together was everything. So she was choosing, sure, but that is a lot of pressure on one person over time.

Well, I am not writing this to look at what I was doing to others. I am looking for my relationship to preference and what is causing me to loose my voice in relationships and possible in my life. As we all know, if you are reading this I assume you know, we attract what we put out, and if I put out no preference well, what am I going to get?

I feel this lack of preference has close ties to my relationship with money. As a kid I don't really know what the economic temperature was to be honest, I want to say we were on the poor side but my father, by the time I was 7 or 8, was in a union and my folks bought their first home when I was 11, that made them 28 and 29 with 3 kids, you do the math. we were always cutting back, and the two things that were told to me was "You'll get what you are given" and "You do not need that." These two phrases may have wreaked havoc on my life but what else is a young mother supposed to tell her kids? How much emotion was there for her? How awful it must have been to have to tell her children no.

Well, I learned a lot during those days and today I can not remember what I had that I really liked. I had some toys, I specifically remember a stuffed Bullwinkle doll I talked to a lot, one incident in particular where I talked to it about the violence in my household. These memories talk to me in a special way.

I was recently told to look at, and pay attention to "Little Marty" but when I look back at his life I can't see it. I mean I can remember little things but I don't recall little Marty having a whole lot of preference either. What the hell did I like? I will tell you I liked bonding with my dad, but it was always uncomfortable because I had nothing in common with the man. He would laugh at something and I would glom onto it as a way to win favor it was often at the expence of others, so that was never really in my wheelhouse..

How sick is that in retrospect?

There was one time, and I have no idea what caused it, that every time my father came home I would get so nauseous I could hardly stand up. I would not eat with everyone else but would go to my room and pretend to sleep until he settled in after dinner or left for his second job. I was afraid of him, but again I do not know what caused it. If I were to be honest with my thoughts it may have been that he held guilt or fear about something during those days that I was picking up on, he did cheat on my mother and I have the ability, for whatever reason, to be in touch with others in that way.

Those days I had a preference. A preference to not be around my father. That was driven by something bigger than me and I have no idea what. When it came to things though, I don't  really recall liking something more than another. I had cars, and liked to play with them with my father because he like to play with them. Again, here is an experience where someone who is entertaining themselves is telling me how to be there for them and I am looking to help make their experience better.

I know now that my father, when he looks to me and says "Don't you remember when we..." fill in the blank, is really only looking at his experience, and the joy he had. "I don't remember that" is almost always my response. Is it because I didn't choose it? Was my entire life built around what other people wanted? I mean I live a great life, I am lucky and surrounded by people I love and that love me, it is honest and I am open but when I am in a relationship with others I take that passenger seat, because I don't have a preference for what, only who.

This in many belief systems is a wonderful thing, and actually helps me be strong because I am not attached to things so much. Even when I got diagnosed with MS I got on with it rather quickly, Why? because I am surrounded by people and love. Without a preference I can easily accept this new world and life. I have to live without a whole lot of grieving, because it, whatever it is, is. There is no denying that, so we move on. That is where not having a preference is amazing and has offered me strength in the face of adversity time and time again.

But where has it failed me? Not having a preference has been difficult in the face of strong women so it seems. It is hard for me to point my finger and say they are the problem because, if something is happening to me it is me that is asking for it. I would not really consider any of this a "problem" at all. actually it is great to be going through this, unfortunate maybe to loose people I feel so strongly for but I didn't learn something after a 9 year relationship crumbled, and so I am looking at it all again. I hope I am ready to learn now but you never know.

Strong women today in the United States have preference they know what they want and they fight for it. I offer no struggle. I actually help them get what they want, or at least I attempt to. I come second to strong women, but as I have seen I came second to what my father wanted also. I LOVE strong women, I am surrounded by them in my life, women that do not need anyone, that is something I want to support. Is that because I am weak? I don't think so but in the face of that strength I have a voice but no preference.

 So how do I get preference? Okay I can fake it, which I have been doing for 40 years. I ask myself "What will garner me respect? and I do that thing. I found out recently, over the past 10 years, that I do not like a lot of things. I have been fooled into liking music, dancing, cars, travel, money, smoking, drinking, drugs... oh man you name it. I liked these things not because I actually liked it but because it was the thing the people I surrounded myself with all accepted as the thing we liked.

People have changed in my life a lot it should be said. I stopped drinking and using drugs in my early 20s, I stopped smoking in my early 30s. Those were special groups of course. I am surrounded today by people who love art. and I like it I can honestly say, but I really only like that art which is touched by something bigger. The artists that does the hard work of following intuition being connected to all that they are. Those are the artists that I am attracted to. The art world as a whole can just suck it for all I care really.

I get excited about making my pet portraits and home watercolors because I know they will bring joy into the life of people. That is what art does, and can do.

So again I see that I like not the thing, the art that is created, but the relationship it has with the world and the viewer. This is probably why I get excited about my Portrait Project, a project I still work on today but it is one where I go to people's homes and sit with them for 2 or 3 hours to paint an oil pastel portrait of them. I connect and am able to offer and receive love in this situation. That is my preference.

But again how can I have a preference for things, foods, actions, movies, music? Do I need that? Probably not, but that answer goes back to the problem I have with money and the thing I was told as a child "You don't NEED that."

Well fuck that! I want preference and I want to look at preference. I do have some prefrences so let's look at those.

I prefer good cooking utensils. I like things that are well crafted, I am not a fan of fancy things that are fancy for the sake of being fancy but utilitarian. I do not want to buy 3 spatulas in my life, I think I can buy one and it last me and it not be something that is ever "Out of style" because it is not being built for style, but built for a purpose. Actually I have my Ladle and my Spatula, they will both last me my lifetime, so my preference on that front is settled.

I want to know what I want. Don't we all? That is not easy for me having grown up in a "you do not need that" and "You will take what you get" household. I see that I want a relationship that is close, and whether it is physical or not doesn't bother me.

WHOA, so what I see is that I want to love, okay but I see that I have loved these two women, and probably many of my friends more than I love myself. I may have just stumbled upon an issue.

So if I am not loving myself and there is a preference to love others what am I diverting?

Understand I do love myself, I have no fear in saying that, but what is this need or desire to give so much to others. So much so that it is not an even exchange causing guilt, but I do not tend to have resentment, actually I blame myself when things go wrong. I am working on not apologizing for being me but the "I am sorry's" do still slip through from time to time. I do know that sometimes I apologize to get coddled, to be told it is not my fault, to get my myself in a lower position to be treated with a little pity and get what I want, to give to the person that I am in the presence of.

Why do I struggle like this. The women that left me loved me, that is obvious but how was I not enough, and I know I am enough, but why do I have to be here without them? They were amazing and I can not ever say enough about them, I did and continue to place them on a pedestal, because they are me. That is for sure! They have something in them that I see in myself or I want for myself, which is another box all together. My preferences are for people, special people, strong people as I see them from where I am. So where am I now that this pain and struggle is needed. I am hurt by people who love me and I either no longer believe I am worth their time or I no longer believe I am worth my time.

I would prefer to have my best friend back, that is a preference, although it is one that requires another person so I don't get to dictate that, again if I have no preference it can not be taken from me, but I have to see this as an opportunity not a lack of anything. This is something being done for me not to me.

I just took a trip to the store, and again I noticed how my choices were dictated solely by my MS Whal's Protocol diet (Here we go again with another strong women telling me what to do) and price. So I get the diet and price thing. I mean I have not been doing great financially, but I live under these strict umbrellas and thoughts. I think it is immature to eat food that comes in a foil bag, I do it on occasion but I have shame about it. Also I love a Coke Cola but again drinking this, to me, knowing it is filled with poison, doing this is just giving in to craving, addiction, and all the things that advertisers want us to fall victim to. I am so suspicious of advertising, and in the United State that is no small portion of your surroundings. So again is a preference a preference or what we have been taught to think?

When I was a Little Marty my dad would get frustrated at Credit Card Companies, not that he had a credit card, but he would argue to the television and tell me that it was a scam and only suckers got credit cards, "If you don't have the money to buy it you don't need it."

There again I do not "Need it" that's the reason I did not go to college for a bachelor's degree. I didn't have the money nor would I have ever had the money, so I thought. So there I was learning all about money from a couple that was always cutting back. My needs were a burden, or they would have been had I had any. I think that I realized my older sister, who was smarter than I when it came to school and grades, not when it comes to empathy or people, but how would you grade that, was the one that wanted and received. When she received, I would naturally get something because we were only 11 months apart. I would be quiet and respectful and I would receive as residual of her receiving.

Our birthdays were only 11 days apart, and I don't know why or how that relates but, I have a lot of shame about my birthday. I avoid it but maybe want it to be a big deal. I have no idea what I feel about my birthday but I am sure it has something to do with preference. My ex-girlfriend, the one I was with for 9 years, she figured it out, I wanted an experience with her. She was absolutely right, I did. I loved her, still do to this day, I will never stop loving anyone I loved, I don't understand how I could, so of course I wanted to be with her doing something, I could not think of anything better.

So there, that is what I like, that is what I prefer, to be with and to share and experience. But I have always known that, so how AGAIN do I tap into the preferences that I can have with me every day?

How can I prefer one restaurant over another, the food is more delicious when I am with someone I love. Is there an answer? I mean I come across top 10 reviews all the time these days. With the whole social media world throwing out click bait every time you look up its hard to miss. They mean nothing. Do I know the writer and their tastes? No. So Why the hell do I want to know his top 10? Okay it is for tourists, read yelp and a few top 10s and boom, now you are off to experience your life. I can't imagine doing this but I know when giving a recommendation, I will pit my thoughts up against a few top 10s or yelp, I am disgusted by myself when I do that but how the hell do I say "Find someone to share it with and go any damn place you want." cause that is what I want to say. because one fuckin pizza is no better than another at a certain point. Living in Chicago that's the big talking point, Pizza. Giordano's, Uno or whatever the fuck. Maybe side by side there are differences but really, at that level its all the same nbd, or so I think.

But again here I am touting the values of not having a preference again, man this is pervasive.

So I don't want to go around being a guy that know's the right answer to "Who has the best deep dish" I really think that would suck. But what about my time, here is the issue, my Best Friend who decided to take leave of our friendship, said I had more adoration for her than she had for me (or something like that), so is that about how I decided to spend my time with her, was I in the quantity field and feeling it was quality because I found myself doing for her? I really can't see how someone couldn't take advantage of me, I mean I will say yes to those I love and have love me in return. I can say no when I feel like I do not want to do something but in this case I did, for the most part.

Ahhh here is the truth. I was feeling like I didn't want to do a few things on the grand scheme, I felt I needed space in the friendship also, but I didn't want to lose it. Today I fear that may be what happened by not taking those steps to create space on my own. I loved her, sure, but I was beyond having a crush on her as I will admit, and had to her, a long time ago; 18 months or so. This is where I need to hold fast to preference. I can not just give my time up. Hell, but how hard is it to drop some insignificant thing I am doing to go to the aid of my friend.

WOW! Is that some white knight bullshit or what? And why is what I am doing insignificant?

So here is what I figured out so far...

• I have little preference other than spending time with people I respect and love
• I happen to attract and connect with strong women (and men but lets stay focused)
• Strong women have strong preferences in the United States today, maybe
• Doing things for strong women is not a way to gain preference
• My time needs to be more important to me than their needs, relatively 
• I probably want to be needed, but strong women don't do that
• I probably really want to feel needed by myself  

Let's go over those last two points, I worked those out in my head but don't really think I wrote about them yet.

I realize that over the past few years I have given a lot, but really I do give a lot, and have my entire life. But I have given an extraordinary amount to a very few select people more recently. This is because I love them, sure. I am not stingy with my love either,  I love my friends I love my family and even acquaintances that I happen to be with, at the time I am with them I love them, deeply. I believe that is because I love myself and I know that we are all connected and so the experiences I have are given to me so I like to be 100% present in those situations.

I am not exactly sure when the problems in my relationships arise because I ma not on the reciving end of my treatment, but I know if I could love myself to the extent that I have loved these two women I would be in a much different place than I am today. This reads to me as wanting to do two things need and be needed.

Remember, I grew up in a place where I didn't "Need" things. So, to ask of my friends for favors when I may like to have help, what ends up happening in my head is a conversation about how much I may, or may not, actually need this help. On the one side, I am fine, I am always fine there is nothing that I can say I actually NEED. Life might be easier if I had a little help but I wouldn't want to inconvenience them for that. Once again crushing my preference, preferring not to prefer.

This lead me to a story where I, having a flair up of my MS asked of my best friend, you know her, for a ride. She lovingly excepted and I started to walk, which was difficult in my position, so she wouldn't have to drive over a rough patch of road between our houses. This frustrated her and she yelled at me to let others come to me, this made me cry, because I don't let others come to me. I don't know why I have learned this but immediately following that incident her seat belt alarm started to ding and it became the most important thing for me to put on my seat belt. Her response was that it would turn off shortly and not to concern myself with it but, again, it was all I could do was focus on getting my seat belt on. She again responded sarcastically that we wouldn't want to inconvenience the car. Again I cried, I couldn't help but see that I was second not only to her but to her car and I realized that no matter how much I loved myself I was not giving myself that love and was worried way too much about either how I was being perceived or what I was supposed to be doing.

So how does all that add up to wanting to be needed? Well, here I was needing someone and they were there lickity split and I was just not allowing it because from where I was sitting I was not important enough to have someone want to help me. And if the assumption of what is going on outside is a reflection of the inside there is a bit of disconnect here. I have, on the outside, help. That is available to me on the inside but I am rejecting it. lowering my value not feeling worthy of being offered help and on the same token I am willing to drop what it is I am doing to help those I love. My preference being to give rather than receive in this case.

Fucking Hell! I haven't even started talking about Shame, Guilt, Fear or Addiction yet, this is going to be a lot.

So where is my preference getting fucked up? Why am I giving more than I am open to receiving? am I closed off to the Universe as well? who holds the card and why am I not wanting to be heard?

Well that last one might be easier than the others my dad was a "Children should be seen not heard" kind of a guy and even as a child I agreed with him. Today I am no child and I have amazing thoughts but still don't always stand up for them. again this comes down to the question "Do I need to?" and more often than not I see that I don't, rightly or wrongly.

I have little or no need to convince others I am right, I have no desire to be right at all. I am always right for my own sake but I needn't believe or convince others of any ideas. life is not about being right it is about living and more to the point, as far as I am concerned, it is about loving. That again goes to the preference questions, I have no preference for any one idea over another in the grand scheme.

What is your favorite season? Who cares, I always said autumn just to have an answer. Then I heard someone say "The next one" Meaning she was a fan of whatever was about to come. I thought that was brilliant, and solved my problem, not that it was my answer, but I was able to adopt it as one that was closer to what I felt than autumn. actually I don't care about seasons. Why should I? It is just weather after all. Same thing goes for colors and numbers, for me having a favorite doesn't make a lick of sense at all. But then again, I have no preference.

I often find when I do adopt a favorite it often quickly fades from my awareness and I then become attracted to other things in that same arena. All things like that except people. of course people change but if they are bettering themselves no one has fallen out of favor from me. of course people change in my life relationships change or fade but I hold love in my heart for all those that I have met and cared for.

So this still leaves us groping for answers as to why I have no preference.

I have an ideal, and ideal me, it had always been almost what I am. There are times that I don't know who I am at all, especially times like these where I am challenged by those that I love.

I am going to tell you I want a home, a house, I want to buy a house. I would love it to be in Chicago, where I was born and raised. I ask myself do I have a preference and I can not find one. I look at houses in my neighborhood and love them, others neighborhoods and love them as well. Where am I going to find preference?

I used to, and still do, say that "I don't live life I experience life being lived through me." well if I don't start to figure this out I may loose all the wonderful people in my life as they feel they are taking advantage of me and my immeasurable kindness and love.

More on preference to come I am sure