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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

I Can Be A Strong Woman too

Okay we have seen over the past few days how entangled I am with strong women. It stared with my sister at 2 days old and continued bouncing from one strong women telling me whats what to another. There was only one time in my life that I chose to take the opportunity to figure out what I liked.  I had a monthly checklist that read something like this...

Monthly Bombardment List

  • 4 music shows (at least: 1 jazz - 1 rock - 1 concert/classical)
  • 2 theatrical performances
  • 3 movies (at least: 1 foreign or documentary)
  • 4 restaurants (American traditional does not count)
  • 10 art openings/galleries
Being an artists helped a lot with all of this, I was able to go to shows for free and it helped me understand music, culture, and people a whole lot more that I had. Which is probably why I don't understand intolerance. I did it for about a year and it was a pretty regimental thing. On one Friday night I was able to do 3 galleries, a theatrical performance or movie, and a restaurant. It was a lot of fun. in the middle of that year I found a strong woman, not one that I have mentioned as of yet, but she came with me on many of my bombardment nights.

I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.

It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.

Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.

Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.

By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.

I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.

So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.

I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.

So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.

Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.

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