I realize now that I have not been super clear in any way about what I want. Not with women, not with food, entertainment, my time, nothing. I fell for two women in my life, but everyone else was just convenient or easy.
Of the two women I fell for I dealt with them the same way, I addressed my attraction to them verbally, which I feel is respectful and a good way to breech the subject. As a sober person I have never overstepped my bound with others.Which again might be a good thing, but to be able to see what you"want" (and I put that in quotes because I have only really wanted 2 women thus far in my life, but how many women I may "want" is immeasurable) and take it ,holds a lot of lessons, lessons I may not need.
There has been, for a long time, the idea that I be celibate, but I am never quit sure if that is because I do not get sexual offers, or if it is is something I really want. Not getting offered, and I am not talking about a women just looking to fuck me, I mean women do not express interest in me very often at all, is a shot to the ego. I have been known, by me alone because I do not share this publicly, to feel like women do not find me attractive. This is crazy because I think I am a sexy man. I am fit and intelligent and well rounded, kind but firm when its needed. I also have had an expansive and exploratory sex life when it is active. All that doesn't mean much when I am looking to feel attractive and not getting much interest, or attention, on the physical side from women.
I have a lot of great relationships that, when I was younger, I would have traded for a few sexual experiences, but that's not true today. Today I see that my friendships are more important, even with those women that I am attracted to. I express to them that they are beautiful, but those words have not really been returned and that is hard to examine sometimes. Deep down I wish I knew for a fact if my friend, the one that took leave of our friendship, found me attractive or desired me at all. I want to be found attractive, sexy and desirable. Maybe it is because I am a man that does not act. Were I to act maybe there would be sentiment returned to me but at what cost? and what would happen if a woman did express that she found me attractive? I may use that information to feel better about myself and not be the man that I think has a great deal of integrity.
Celibacy, it is not easy to make that decision, although making that decision might be easier for me, at least for the time being. The thought crosses my mind and I can't help but think about how attractive I am these days and think I will lose that in time. That reads as not having the opportunities that may present themselves today that one day won't.
This brings up my gambling issues, I am the type of man who chases his money. When I had suffered a loss at the track it was not uncommon for me to hit the casino afterward to attempt to win that money back. It was the same thing I experience with alcohol, drugs, and tobacco, its a beast. I have rejected women who have come onto me in the past, mostly when I was committed to another; I love commitment in a relationship although I have learned I do not want to expect the other person to have those same feelings. It is a crazy thing, chasing my money, but it is not about having the thing I am chasing, it is all about missing the opportunity to having now that which I may want to have someday. One day I will want to have sex and if I am being offered an open door to it I, when I was younger, may have just jumped at the opportunity. Mind you I am not someone who takes advantage of others that are high or drunk, that, to me, is not real nice and I would not feel good about that at all. The times women have made passes at me they were drunk so its no prize to win that.
I want to consider celibacy, but I want to be sure it is rightfully chosen. If I were to choose that and use it to attract women; because we all know people want what they cannot have, it would be dishonest and a manipulation tactic, I am not that guy at all. I have to know I can say no, and I do not know this, nor might I ever. Because of this, I can not say that I am choosing celibacy, I happen to be celibate at the moment because I do not have any options for being sexually active. Things like Tinder I find do not entice me unless I am feeling extremely lonely or horny, which happens, but I have still never made an account.
I do enjoy flirting and getting that ego boost, I sometimes flirt and then fantasize briefly but that is as far as it goes, now if it were to go further would I, if I chose celibacy, be able to not go to the inevitable end. I would definitely have the power in all of those interactions, that is if I were able to make that decision. As a man I wouldn't have to be putting myself in danger by making this decision either, whereas a straight women very well might because it can be a dangerous thing to tell a man no.
I never did want to take that which I shallowly wanted. That is a great guide for me but with all of my looking to others for approval or permission it is not easy to make that decision, I don't know if you noticed but sex has an overwhelming majority of fans out there. Making the choice to be celibate is kind of a big one, and one that I would be proud of, although nobody would know it, who do you talk about your sexual life with? Nobody new that's for sure, a few friends maybe, I don't even think my family would know, I would just make that decision. Now of course that decision could change over time, but it has to be a choice I make, and one I make to love myself more. It is not a decision that has rules associate with it, I am not making a pact with anyone, this would just help me have closer friendships with women and allow me to let go of sexual thought all together.
I am having dinner tonight with a friend, he asked me where I want to go and I can not decided although I am using this as an opportunity to make a decision, any decision. I have to say it is difficult because I really don't care, but I want to care. It feels a bit stressful but I am gong to choose and I am going to be flexible, so if he want to go somewhere else I will be open to it but I have to start off this new life of learning what I want on the right foot, I will make a choice and it will be perfect. I had no idea this was going to be this difficult and scary, I almost want to cry over choosing a place, how crazy is that? Take that into account when thinking about me choosing celibacy.
All of these writing are happening because I am sorting through a lot and writing it out is great, I don't expect anyone to read it but if you have I hope you are inspired to look at those things in your life that stop you from being the best you that this world needs. I love you.