In my practice I see many people who are looking to deepen their self-reflective gaze in order to better understand themselves and how they interact with the world. Although everything in the universe happens for a reason and there are no coincidences, it is not always easy to see how we are related to it all. It is important it remember who we are at the time we are looking. That is not so easy to discern as many of us, I am sure, can attest to. My portrait process is special in that it allows the subject that unique ability to look at themselves from the outside, as the observer.
When I get to certain point in our sessions where I feel there has been a number of significant things shared, this can include deaths in the family, major triumphs or traumas, goals past and present, and a host of other sorts of interactions with the world whether they be in the past, future or present, I have a host of questions that could be asked. The one that I get great responses from is "What is your earliest memory?" It has been the case that knowing what the earliest memory is helps considerably with where conflicts between belief systems arise.
The earliest memory is interesting because I, personally, do not care if what they tell me is actually their earliest memory or not, what I care about is the memory that comes up. In my work what is perceive is way more important than what would be "fact," because that is the world in which they are living and creating, fact is usually just a perception from an outside source. We primarily live in a world built by faulty memories. Memories make up the world around us much more than the world around us does. Everything that is of the world is neutral, we define good/bad beautiful/ugly and so no. Nothing has a definition other than what it happens to be, and neither do we. People choose to be "something"
We choose to be angry, or happy. We choose to be grateful or greedy. It is easy to say the world and our surroundings made us who we are, and in effect you would be absolutely correct in saying that. On the other hand if you decided to choose differently you can change your situation, but it is not easy. When you do accomplish that change, and you say I made myself this way, again you would be correct in saying that. Neither of those statements, "The world made me" or "I made me" are true mind you, but you would be correct in making them.
The earliest memory question does a lot of things, first it allows the person being asked to say anything because I, as the facilitator, could never prove or disprove an answer. It also allows subconscious links to past memories on subjects that we are covering. We all have specific memories that are very important to us that, for whatever reason, are vivid and clear, but others involved in the memory don't recall at all. For my own health and self reflection, I take note at what I may have learned about myself or others, these have rarely been positive things. I feel that, for myself, if a memory lingers it is against my nature and may be a place that needs clearing. So many signs are stored inside us and it doesn't always, if ever,take a huge Ah-Ha moment to get beyond them, sometimes it just takes recognizing them and taking note when we give in to them.
It has seemed like everyone, when asked, has known their earliest memory prior to being asked it, but it always has ties to some of the biggest conflict areas in their current lives. Its a difficult task trying to figure out the brain and its relationship to the universe, which is why I do not question the answers I hear. They may only be the answer for the time I ask it, and that is fine, the is perfect actually, because then it is honest, and that is what facilitation requires.
What are some conflict areas you are sorting out? Put out there, like for myself I value what I do but I do not have a drive to exchange it for money but that is a must moving forward. now ask yourself what is your earliest memory, for me at the moment it seems to be my father no being home when I was a child. For me that shows that connecting with loved ones and money, my father was always "working," do not mix. For me to sort through that conflict is going to be important and to be sure I understand that I can just as easily connect with others while getting paid fairly as I do when I do not. I can also donate 1 full session to those who can not afford them for every full session I get paid for. This is in line with my desire to help and be open and available.
Showing posts with label self love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self love. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
I Am My Greatest Acomplishment
So I am writing out some life goals and outlining my plans or hopes and wishes for the coming years. I have done this loosely in the past but combining this with some vision board work and all my new ideas and all, I really feel like I can make some strides. One of the things I want to do is own a home, it's not an "American Dream" thing, although it may be, it is really about me having space. I love space, I want to host dinners, I want a garden, and not just for growing things in, although that is a must. I want to breath there, meditate and have time to be. I am also looking at being published which is odd because there is nothing that I avoid more than books, but it is something that I have in me and I will not deny it.
My newest venture in my art practice is actually focused more on facilitation than it is on art. I have always been drawn to help others. I would actually help others before I take for myself, and that is something I have been examining for a long time and want to be both at peace with it while also open to it shifting as I grow. My making of art has never been real cut and dry, I do oddball things to put me in contact with others. My Portrait Project, or my ChicagoArts interview series, for both I was driven by my desire to connect, but for both I made no money, there is a combined 22 years of creative practice that I didn't charge anyone for. Now I am moving into a facilitation practice to help people self reflect, and I am charging for that and I get to connect and make art because the facilitation work starts with a portrait. I really have to open up to how that is going to work, how it will afford me a home and peace of mind. It is new and I have been put through the ringer enough over the past few years.
All of this is to say that as part of the writing work I ma doing is spelling out what my greatest accomplishments are. It is an odd question because I don't feel like anything I have done is done. I never got a degree from a school, which could be a focal point for many, TRANSfiguration barely ever got off the ground, my Portrait Project was open ended and I continue to explore that, so that is not an "accomplishment." I used to be represented by galleries, but that all changed and now I don't even make work that is intended for showing. The interview series or Our Cultural Center were things I did as well but they both kind of ended without being resolved in a way I was happy with. Everything, for me, has been a lesson, one learning experience after another. There is no accomplishment.
I could laundry list what I have done, because I have done a lot, and it has all been fun and my life is really one giant adventure. But that doesn't change the fact that this answer eludes me. I see that it is because I do not value what I have done, not because it has no value but because it is currently not a currency within my day to day. It all has made me who I am today though, It has made me the person that is loved by so many, and seen so clearly. I really do love who I am. Sure I have a long way to go, I still hold shame and desire, two things I want to get under control, but for the most part I am a great person. I don't know anyone who I would rather be. There are things I want to have more of in my life but I can get those things. The important part to all this is that I am happy with who I am and able to be who I am everywhere I am, this comes from inside myself.
I am privileged to be able to be me, and I recognize that. I do not know how I became to be me but here I am and I am extremely grateful for that. So I guess it turns out that my greatest accomplishment is me. Now, although that is great, try putting that on a resume lol.
My newest venture in my art practice is actually focused more on facilitation than it is on art. I have always been drawn to help others. I would actually help others before I take for myself, and that is something I have been examining for a long time and want to be both at peace with it while also open to it shifting as I grow. My making of art has never been real cut and dry, I do oddball things to put me in contact with others. My Portrait Project, or my ChicagoArts interview series, for both I was driven by my desire to connect, but for both I made no money, there is a combined 22 years of creative practice that I didn't charge anyone for. Now I am moving into a facilitation practice to help people self reflect, and I am charging for that and I get to connect and make art because the facilitation work starts with a portrait. I really have to open up to how that is going to work, how it will afford me a home and peace of mind. It is new and I have been put through the ringer enough over the past few years.
All of this is to say that as part of the writing work I ma doing is spelling out what my greatest accomplishments are. It is an odd question because I don't feel like anything I have done is done. I never got a degree from a school, which could be a focal point for many, TRANSfiguration barely ever got off the ground, my Portrait Project was open ended and I continue to explore that, so that is not an "accomplishment." I used to be represented by galleries, but that all changed and now I don't even make work that is intended for showing. The interview series or Our Cultural Center were things I did as well but they both kind of ended without being resolved in a way I was happy with. Everything, for me, has been a lesson, one learning experience after another. There is no accomplishment.
I could laundry list what I have done, because I have done a lot, and it has all been fun and my life is really one giant adventure. But that doesn't change the fact that this answer eludes me. I see that it is because I do not value what I have done, not because it has no value but because it is currently not a currency within my day to day. It all has made me who I am today though, It has made me the person that is loved by so many, and seen so clearly. I really do love who I am. Sure I have a long way to go, I still hold shame and desire, two things I want to get under control, but for the most part I am a great person. I don't know anyone who I would rather be. There are things I want to have more of in my life but I can get those things. The important part to all this is that I am happy with who I am and able to be who I am everywhere I am, this comes from inside myself.
I am privileged to be able to be me, and I recognize that. I do not know how I became to be me but here I am and I am extremely grateful for that. So I guess it turns out that my greatest accomplishment is me. Now, although that is great, try putting that on a resume lol.
Friday, August 5, 2016
Visual Language and Portrait Counseling
Today we are not well versed in visual language, there are many studies out that tell us how we react to visual stimuli but very little research or study done to how to decipher that which is created. Most of the research being done is done for marketing so it's not always done with the best intentions. On the other hand there is of course art therapy. There is a big difference between what I am developing, Portrait Counseling, and art therapy though, because the art being made in Portrait Counseling is guided by the intuition of a trained artist and practiced in meditative practices. In Art Therapy the art is made by the patient and they may know nothing about the issues they are facing but the art finds a way to talk to us and search for a solution.
During the portrait session, in Portrait Counseling, the counselor connects in a way we have been driven to connect for as long as people have made art, through the portrait. Through looking, and this is not limited to be with the eyes; I see the hugging saint Amma as someone who renders portraits through hugs, I connect, communicate and allow myself to be spoken to through paint. It is a purposeful looking and connecting. It is less for achieving a likeness than it is for achieving a bond.
Although the ability exists for an artist to make a flattering portrait of a person is it less likely to hold true connection and honesty. For an artist, one trained in the crafts of rendering, it is not difficult to recreate a likeness on the page, but when there is an attempt to recreate a likeness, the artist’s attention is on themself, and what the client wants, the artists works from a place of being pressured; this may not be that case when the artist is being hired for their insight and working style, but most artists do not get hired with that agreement presupposed. The connection is only made possible by not thinking of the likeness, although the bust of the client is the center focus of where and how the image will form itself, the portrait is made more from the aether.
“The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things,but their inner significance: for this, not the external manner and detail, constitutes true reality”
- Aristotle
Portraiture, in art history has an important place dating back to prehistoric times. We can see evidence today of ancient Egyptian portraiture which is the oldest and, most likely, most notable. These were highly stylized of course, but that was a primary form of communication, we lack that sort of visual communication style today.
The question arises, is portraiture the means of communication or is communicating the purpose for the portrait. Either way portraiture and communicating are going hand in hand.
I present to you the claim that honest connection between an artist and their source can open pathways that previously were closed. We accept that meditation is a way that we can center, and hear the voice of the universe or god. It has been proven within the organizations that we trust for information regarding the weird wonky world of the unseen. Both science and religion would not hesitate, when in a space they can speak honestly, to say that meditation (prayer) works towards your overall health.
We also accept that group meditation or prayer is a stronger form of this. Of course group dynamics can alter or disrupt those benefits so, and although organizations like churches and yoga or meditation studios won’t suggest this often, it is always good to explore new groups and new approaches to one's self realization practices. It has still been proven that connections among multiple people can more quickly calm the body and mind and affect things as simple but important as breathing to things as complex and mysterious as cancer. Group meditations can affect things as well as others as well as the efforts of groups like UNIFY, the Wash Alliance, Uplift and others prove.
Under these circumstances both more is better and less is more. I fill the space with less distraction, less intervention, less judgment and at the same time be more, more connected more aware, more present and allow that to drive the moment. I begin by intending to connect through the oneness that has existed since, if not before the Big Bang, the oneness that we all are, the oneness that all is connected to. That connection drives the creation of the portrait. upon completion the client reads, harnesses, and tames the painting. They see themselves, it is a book of sorts for them to read their own story. It is easier for a client to say the portrait looks angry, when they see anger around them because they are angry.
Science has proven to us that what we are experiencing is a mirror of what we see in the world so to create an image of someone and to ask them to study it for a few days is an exercise that will give me a clear vision of how they see themselves and where to prod a bit to open their eyes to the blocks that they are experiencing. this is not comfortable but as we see in every other mime on Facebook, growth exists outside the comfort zone. Come with me and lets find some of those blocks in you 773-843-1794.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
I Can Be A Strong Woman too
Okay we have seen over the past few days how entangled I am with strong women. It stared with my sister at 2 days old and continued bouncing from one strong women telling me whats what to another. There was only one time in my life that I chose to take the opportunity to figure out what I liked. I had a monthly checklist that read something like this...
Monthly Bombardment List
I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.
It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.
Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.
Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.
By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.
I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.
So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.
I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.
So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.
Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.
Monthly Bombardment List
- 4 music shows (at least: 1 jazz - 1 rock - 1 concert/classical)
- 2 theatrical performances
- 3 movies (at least: 1 foreign or documentary)
- 4 restaurants (American traditional does not count)
- 10 art openings/galleries
I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.
It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.
Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.
Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.
By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.
I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.
So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.
I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.
So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.
Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Me and the Ladies
I had a wonderful conversation last night with an older woman about my preference issue. I saw this at the time, and still do, as pretty gratuitous, seeing as I have been writing so much about it, but progress doesn't' happen in a vacuum. So after we chatted a bit about her artwork and then moved into our diseases and medication injections I, pretty abruptly, introduced my preference issue. It also lead to talking about the two women I lost, go figure. Well I am not proud when it comes to being a better person or advancing my spirit, and I was drawn to do this with this particular woman, so I did. Anyway...
We didn't solve anything but it was good to say these things out loud, to talk about preference and how I prefer to be with certain people rather than do certain things. She brought up the problem of not having an opinion, and addressed that as a bad thing. I went blank and was not sure at that point what an opinion was for some reason, I just responded "Is it?" Referring to her comment that not having an opinion is bad.
That was an interesting response that came out of me, I didn't really process it until after I said it, but there is a feeling that having an opinion is your right. My response however questioned that, maybe I was focusing on the largely American idea that I have a right to judge the actions of others. When it comes to what my friend and ex-girlfriend did, in choosing to keep their time over continuing to share it with me, I have no opinion about that. I do however have an opinion about how I have chosen to deal with it, but that is less of an opinion and more than a "feeling about" how I dealt, or am dealing, with it.
So maybe I don't really have much of an opinion and maybe that is bad, because, as she and I spoke about last night, I don't have a voice. When I don't have a voice I would assume that I would try to find one somewhere and that is bound to bind me to someone else. That is wholly unacceptable for me.
It is unacceptable because I want to be whole. And, for me, being whole is about having and using all that I have been given, all my talents and honing those things about me that require honing. When I rely on others to be my voice or preference where will I end up? I want to be me more and more each day.
A man who had influenced me, and continues to every day, once told me when referring to getting my addictions under control, "Don't be afraid of losing yourself, you've already done that. You can now only become more yourself." And that is what comes to mind now that I am facing the task of finding my voice within preference.
Sometimes I am faced with a choice, I recently learned that a mutual friend of myself and my friend that is no longer speaking to me, fell very ill. I decided to reach out and tell my friend because I knew she didn't' know. I know that our friend is more important to both of us than the distance that she needs from me. We exchanged one email each, the one in which I told her about our friend, and then her response thanking me for the information. Neither were cold but neither were written from a place of fun loving friends as we had been.
This is not important except for the fact that I was strong with the interaction, I did get a little wash of sadness over me when I received her response, which also contained generic well wishes, which I am sure were honest on her part but were in no way open for a continued email interaction. I wasn't expecting one but if it were just cold and direct I would have been able to not feel sad about it. The fact that we both love each other and do not speak right now is what is sad. I actually had to write on the whiteboard in my bedroom.
It may seem a bit drastic to look at this, and I will be getting rid of it soon but it is much easier to think she was mad at me than I did nothing, that is just weird. I can't grasp it, that is loss for nothing at all. Nothing to learn, no way to get better, nothing.
I will tell you I love myself and that I have to take that a little closer to heart. There is a huge chasm between the active perception of that, and how I really feel. I notice it all the time; my mind goes to others so quickly, and that is a good thing in a world that doesn't think of others, but inside of me, that may be a disadvantage.
Remember my friend who would tell me I can only become "More myself" I am reminded of thins now. It is important to recognize that thinking of changing my thoughts, to go from others to myself, causes me to feel scared that I will be a selfish asshole, but then I think back to all that I have changed in my life that began with thoughts like this. I am going to keep reminding myself I will only become more of myself. Now I am able to be taken advantage of, by not having a preference and giving as much as I tend to do, so saying no properly and respecting others, and that means respecting our spaces, is what is important. I am an honest person, and I want to live more honestly. so I will except this challenge to change and think more of myself openly and lovingly.
Last night I went out and bought myself a couple tacos. I looked at is as a date. That's is how I wan to to start this challenge. By loving myself more directly.
I think I mentioned it already but I also spoke with myself about how much I judge myself. If I were to relate that to how I think about others. it does not compare, because I only except others as they come to me. I don't feel a need to influence them, or nudge them in any direction, I just love them as they are. That is exactly what I want to be doing to and for myself. Hence all this writing to get out all of this whatever it is.
I don't have a whole lot of things to do with myself so it seems though. well, as of right now I don't drink or really get into movies much any more. I do paint, but I don't read much, so again spending time with others has been my point of contact with love usually. When I am working or on my own I will berate myself or celebrate big wins, but that is really it. I have not just loved and cared for my mind much on my own, that is what I am missing.
Fear dictates some of that. I am planning on going into a studio, where lots of people that I care for do artwork, to share that space and be around great people also. That is one way but I still need to stop reaching outward so much. I want to care for myself always, every minute. Like when I lived with my ex, I would just look at her and give her my love, silently but intensely. Just being there was sharing. That is what I can give myself and how wonderful that would feel.
Before these days I always said I hated the beginnings of relationships because they were intense. What I loved was the relationship that is settled and built on a foundation of respect and love, one that emanates love no matter what. Two people, two individuals living as a team both doing what suits them and coming together for support and to share. Today I still love that but I am seeing that having that with myself, rather than someone else is probably they way to go. Yes this means I will be "alone" but what is alone when I have everything?
We didn't solve anything but it was good to say these things out loud, to talk about preference and how I prefer to be with certain people rather than do certain things. She brought up the problem of not having an opinion, and addressed that as a bad thing. I went blank and was not sure at that point what an opinion was for some reason, I just responded "Is it?" Referring to her comment that not having an opinion is bad.
That was an interesting response that came out of me, I didn't really process it until after I said it, but there is a feeling that having an opinion is your right. My response however questioned that, maybe I was focusing on the largely American idea that I have a right to judge the actions of others. When it comes to what my friend and ex-girlfriend did, in choosing to keep their time over continuing to share it with me, I have no opinion about that. I do however have an opinion about how I have chosen to deal with it, but that is less of an opinion and more than a "feeling about" how I dealt, or am dealing, with it.
So maybe I don't really have much of an opinion and maybe that is bad, because, as she and I spoke about last night, I don't have a voice. When I don't have a voice I would assume that I would try to find one somewhere and that is bound to bind me to someone else. That is wholly unacceptable for me.
It is unacceptable because I want to be whole. And, for me, being whole is about having and using all that I have been given, all my talents and honing those things about me that require honing. When I rely on others to be my voice or preference where will I end up? I want to be me more and more each day.
A man who had influenced me, and continues to every day, once told me when referring to getting my addictions under control, "Don't be afraid of losing yourself, you've already done that. You can now only become more yourself." And that is what comes to mind now that I am facing the task of finding my voice within preference.
Sometimes I am faced with a choice, I recently learned that a mutual friend of myself and my friend that is no longer speaking to me, fell very ill. I decided to reach out and tell my friend because I knew she didn't' know. I know that our friend is more important to both of us than the distance that she needs from me. We exchanged one email each, the one in which I told her about our friend, and then her response thanking me for the information. Neither were cold but neither were written from a place of fun loving friends as we had been.
This is not important except for the fact that I was strong with the interaction, I did get a little wash of sadness over me when I received her response, which also contained generic well wishes, which I am sure were honest on her part but were in no way open for a continued email interaction. I wasn't expecting one but if it were just cold and direct I would have been able to not feel sad about it. The fact that we both love each other and do not speak right now is what is sad. I actually had to write on the whiteboard in my bedroom.
Martin,
I do NOT miss our friendship,
It was a burden to me.
It may seem a bit drastic to look at this, and I will be getting rid of it soon but it is much easier to think she was mad at me than I did nothing, that is just weird. I can't grasp it, that is loss for nothing at all. Nothing to learn, no way to get better, nothing.
I will tell you I love myself and that I have to take that a little closer to heart. There is a huge chasm between the active perception of that, and how I really feel. I notice it all the time; my mind goes to others so quickly, and that is a good thing in a world that doesn't think of others, but inside of me, that may be a disadvantage.
Remember my friend who would tell me I can only become "More myself" I am reminded of thins now. It is important to recognize that thinking of changing my thoughts, to go from others to myself, causes me to feel scared that I will be a selfish asshole, but then I think back to all that I have changed in my life that began with thoughts like this. I am going to keep reminding myself I will only become more of myself. Now I am able to be taken advantage of, by not having a preference and giving as much as I tend to do, so saying no properly and respecting others, and that means respecting our spaces, is what is important. I am an honest person, and I want to live more honestly. so I will except this challenge to change and think more of myself openly and lovingly.
Last night I went out and bought myself a couple tacos. I looked at is as a date. That's is how I wan to to start this challenge. By loving myself more directly.
I think I mentioned it already but I also spoke with myself about how much I judge myself. If I were to relate that to how I think about others. it does not compare, because I only except others as they come to me. I don't feel a need to influence them, or nudge them in any direction, I just love them as they are. That is exactly what I want to be doing to and for myself. Hence all this writing to get out all of this whatever it is.
I don't have a whole lot of things to do with myself so it seems though. well, as of right now I don't drink or really get into movies much any more. I do paint, but I don't read much, so again spending time with others has been my point of contact with love usually. When I am working or on my own I will berate myself or celebrate big wins, but that is really it. I have not just loved and cared for my mind much on my own, that is what I am missing.
Fear dictates some of that. I am planning on going into a studio, where lots of people that I care for do artwork, to share that space and be around great people also. That is one way but I still need to stop reaching outward so much. I want to care for myself always, every minute. Like when I lived with my ex, I would just look at her and give her my love, silently but intensely. Just being there was sharing. That is what I can give myself and how wonderful that would feel.
Before these days I always said I hated the beginnings of relationships because they were intense. What I loved was the relationship that is settled and built on a foundation of respect and love, one that emanates love no matter what. Two people, two individuals living as a team both doing what suits them and coming together for support and to share. Today I still love that but I am seeing that having that with myself, rather than someone else is probably they way to go. Yes this means I will be "alone" but what is alone when I have everything?
Friday, December 18, 2015
Just Laying it All Out
The posts I have been putting up have been just me sorting through some of my recent pain at a loss of another amazing woman in my life, all to aid in me becoming a better person. I have no idea if it is working or not but I feel like a fool both in having the pain I am currently having as well as why I lost my friend in the first place.
Sure it wasn't my fault, but how can I see that without a voice, and, as was mentioned in previous posts, my voice is not present because I have no preference. This pain I am experiencing is not from "her" or anyone. It is me, the one place I hold preference is with who I choose to share my life with, and that is a great many people mind you. There are just some people that you connect with on a whole different level,and it seems that the connection I had with my friend was not the same as the one she had with me. And again I didn't do anything to disrespect her in any way, and she was clear about that, at least as far as I can recall.
I remember when my Girlfriend of 9 years left me, I didn't take a whole lot of time to sort through my feelings I just got on with it. Had it not been for my being diagnosed with MS I may still be just getting on with it. but here I am holding the bag and with nothing to do but really look at it all and see what I need to do to meet the challenge being presented to me. Sure, I am sad because of what I perceive I have lost, but it doesn't control me.
The losses I feel are deep, because with her I rested my preference, which in turn held my superficial feeling about myself. To see that is important. Day to day I would feel drastically different because I wasn't fully in control of what I was feeling, I was more interested in what this woman thought, and she probably didn't think about me much. So how productive was that?
I do need to find where my day to day superficial acceptance of myself is, I deeply love myself but when others come into my life that know what they want right now, it is an injection of energy. I want that, it resides in me, but I, for whatever reason, am not in touch with it. So that is another reason I am laying this all out for myself, to see what work I need to do to get myself back to oneness. To be the God I know I am.
All of this reflection, brought on by pain I am causing myself after a friend makes a decision for her own life, makes me look at myself and the places where I hold shame, or disappointment in myself. Of course in my mind these thoughts are brought about with the aid of the person, or thing, that allowed me to hurt myself (are you following? that is a difficult one) in short I am the cause of my pain, but using someone else to bring up judgment of myself which I will look at. The judgment that I am feeling abut myself is a telltale sign that there are changes that I want to make within me. The reason I know that is that I am here judging myself, through someone else who has never express judgment toward me at all, these thoughts are coming from somewhere, they are coming from me.
It is important to note that I do not use the word "should" when talking to myself, I replace it, and have done this for over a decade now, with "Want" or "Don't Want," that makes things a whole lot easier to understand for me. I don't believe I "should" do anything, I look inside and figure out what I want to do, and that is how I do. Again without a preference it is not always easy to know what I want to do but that doesn't stop me. If I don't know what I want to do I might just sit in the dark and just be there, until a time comes where I am being and doing something, those are great days.
I had an easy way of knowing what to do there for a while, I would just phone my friend and we would have dinner, laugh and play cards. It was easy, maybe too easy. Now I hurt at the loss of the ease of the friendship, and all that it served in my life.
I am going to get back the the topic of me judging myself and the things that I am looking at changing shortly but I am intrigued with the combination of things going on here. All pointing at me and the places I need to grow and, as I see it, mature.
One place I need to grow is knowing "Click Bait" when I see it, and sending out "Click Bait" when I am hurting. I see this as when, in a friendship or relationship, I test the water, or the water is being tested with me, within a text or an email. I have to remember that if I am sending a message that requires a response I want to be honest that I am not pressuring the person I love to give me the response I want to hear, and if I am feeling needy that is not the responsibility of any one other person. I have a lot of friends and I would like to utilize them all constantly, not just when it suits, or is convenient. They love me as I love them, it is mutual. Now if I can only love myself as much as I love them, things would be sitting pretty. This is tough because it also requires me to care for myself and take myself out on dates, to distract myself from others because I am important to me. But, and this goes back to the judgment thing, if the time I spent with myself is in judgment well... Would I want to be in a relationship with someone that judged me every day? No. So why am I judging myself, I want to see myself as being my soul mate, because I am. Now start to treat myself like that.
On the whole Click Bait issue, if I am aware of the answer I want when sending a text that I would consider Click Bait, I want to be aware enough to not send it in the first place and love myself enough to provide myself with the answer I want, without needing the approval of the other. This is mastery of self.
That kind of smothering of another person is unnecessary. Again I look at the maturity of it. I love myself more than that too, more than to be in any real pain about the loss of my friend. I know that we are connected, I also know that I am connected, and will be forever, with my ex-girlfriend We may never talk again but we share space in this universe, and that's not just wishful thinking. I am a powerful being, and I love extremely openly, so there is no need to feel sad, because I know that life gives me what I need and I am a good listener to life, as I was once told by a women I love dearly.
Too bad there is pain attached to it, but good I say, I loved her and she is no longer here, I once again build her ego. That is something I feel a fool about, and have felt a fool about within our friendship/relationship. It is not hard to see why she had to get away. I was telling myself a lot of stories during our friendship/relationship (If you are not following I am talking about both women here) and never left room for her to come to me. When I felt lonely I reached out, it was that easy, too easy.
Because I was doing the reaching out , I was the one that needed, I was weak. Not in reality but in the situation you understand. So by inflating the egos of the women I loved, I was inadvertently deflating mine. It was a maddening cycle, of my needs being more and more intense and my ability to not reach out less and less likely to happen. This is the point I started sending that "Click bait." I was asking for approval, why did I need approval because I was constantly getting it, time and time again I would reach out, and until it is too much it is fine, but when it becomes too much, it is sad. I understand that and again I am happy for these women to have seen that and stood up to it. My only hope is they do not think I am a sad person. its a tough one really, because in thinking that in the first place I am putting stock in what they think, while all I want is to put more stock into what I think, another mind fuck.
I don't know if this goes hand in hand with anything I had experienced as a child. but the one thing those strong women have is a sense of being too needy, and that is very likely what I became, or what they saw me becoming. That is weakness from me, and their love for me, would easily turn them from me. They know I don't want that any more than they do. How do I stop this from happening again? That's a good question, it would be hard for me to stand up to anything without preference, but maybe trying not to make excuses for the needs of others would be a start.
Yesterday a friend of mine called up to get a ride to pick up some medication from the Walgreen's, I didn't want to do it. There was no reason for me not wanting to do it I just didn't. I did do it though, I made excuses and allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it, he is a friend in need but the exchanges we have are very one sided and I give a lot. That may have happened with both of these women also, it is possible that I was not giving as much as I had and started to demand more.
This is hard work being a responsible adult.
Sure it wasn't my fault, but how can I see that without a voice, and, as was mentioned in previous posts, my voice is not present because I have no preference. This pain I am experiencing is not from "her" or anyone. It is me, the one place I hold preference is with who I choose to share my life with, and that is a great many people mind you. There are just some people that you connect with on a whole different level,and it seems that the connection I had with my friend was not the same as the one she had with me. And again I didn't do anything to disrespect her in any way, and she was clear about that, at least as far as I can recall.
I remember when my Girlfriend of 9 years left me, I didn't take a whole lot of time to sort through my feelings I just got on with it. Had it not been for my being diagnosed with MS I may still be just getting on with it. but here I am holding the bag and with nothing to do but really look at it all and see what I need to do to meet the challenge being presented to me. Sure, I am sad because of what I perceive I have lost, but it doesn't control me.
The losses I feel are deep, because with her I rested my preference, which in turn held my superficial feeling about myself. To see that is important. Day to day I would feel drastically different because I wasn't fully in control of what I was feeling, I was more interested in what this woman thought, and she probably didn't think about me much. So how productive was that?
I do need to find where my day to day superficial acceptance of myself is, I deeply love myself but when others come into my life that know what they want right now, it is an injection of energy. I want that, it resides in me, but I, for whatever reason, am not in touch with it. So that is another reason I am laying this all out for myself, to see what work I need to do to get myself back to oneness. To be the God I know I am.
All of this reflection, brought on by pain I am causing myself after a friend makes a decision for her own life, makes me look at myself and the places where I hold shame, or disappointment in myself. Of course in my mind these thoughts are brought about with the aid of the person, or thing, that allowed me to hurt myself (are you following? that is a difficult one) in short I am the cause of my pain, but using someone else to bring up judgment of myself which I will look at. The judgment that I am feeling abut myself is a telltale sign that there are changes that I want to make within me. The reason I know that is that I am here judging myself, through someone else who has never express judgment toward me at all, these thoughts are coming from somewhere, they are coming from me.
It is important to note that I do not use the word "should" when talking to myself, I replace it, and have done this for over a decade now, with "Want" or "Don't Want," that makes things a whole lot easier to understand for me. I don't believe I "should" do anything, I look inside and figure out what I want to do, and that is how I do. Again without a preference it is not always easy to know what I want to do but that doesn't stop me. If I don't know what I want to do I might just sit in the dark and just be there, until a time comes where I am being and doing something, those are great days.
I had an easy way of knowing what to do there for a while, I would just phone my friend and we would have dinner, laugh and play cards. It was easy, maybe too easy. Now I hurt at the loss of the ease of the friendship, and all that it served in my life.
I am going to get back the the topic of me judging myself and the things that I am looking at changing shortly but I am intrigued with the combination of things going on here. All pointing at me and the places I need to grow and, as I see it, mature.
One place I need to grow is knowing "Click Bait" when I see it, and sending out "Click Bait" when I am hurting. I see this as when, in a friendship or relationship, I test the water, or the water is being tested with me, within a text or an email. I have to remember that if I am sending a message that requires a response I want to be honest that I am not pressuring the person I love to give me the response I want to hear, and if I am feeling needy that is not the responsibility of any one other person. I have a lot of friends and I would like to utilize them all constantly, not just when it suits, or is convenient. They love me as I love them, it is mutual. Now if I can only love myself as much as I love them, things would be sitting pretty. This is tough because it also requires me to care for myself and take myself out on dates, to distract myself from others because I am important to me. But, and this goes back to the judgment thing, if the time I spent with myself is in judgment well... Would I want to be in a relationship with someone that judged me every day? No. So why am I judging myself, I want to see myself as being my soul mate, because I am. Now start to treat myself like that.
On the whole Click Bait issue, if I am aware of the answer I want when sending a text that I would consider Click Bait, I want to be aware enough to not send it in the first place and love myself enough to provide myself with the answer I want, without needing the approval of the other. This is mastery of self.
That kind of smothering of another person is unnecessary. Again I look at the maturity of it. I love myself more than that too, more than to be in any real pain about the loss of my friend. I know that we are connected, I also know that I am connected, and will be forever, with my ex-girlfriend We may never talk again but we share space in this universe, and that's not just wishful thinking. I am a powerful being, and I love extremely openly, so there is no need to feel sad, because I know that life gives me what I need and I am a good listener to life, as I was once told by a women I love dearly.
Too bad there is pain attached to it, but good I say, I loved her and she is no longer here, I once again build her ego. That is something I feel a fool about, and have felt a fool about within our friendship/relationship. It is not hard to see why she had to get away. I was telling myself a lot of stories during our friendship/relationship (If you are not following I am talking about both women here) and never left room for her to come to me. When I felt lonely I reached out, it was that easy, too easy.
Because I was doing the reaching out , I was the one that needed, I was weak. Not in reality but in the situation you understand. So by inflating the egos of the women I loved, I was inadvertently deflating mine. It was a maddening cycle, of my needs being more and more intense and my ability to not reach out less and less likely to happen. This is the point I started sending that "Click bait." I was asking for approval, why did I need approval because I was constantly getting it, time and time again I would reach out, and until it is too much it is fine, but when it becomes too much, it is sad. I understand that and again I am happy for these women to have seen that and stood up to it. My only hope is they do not think I am a sad person. its a tough one really, because in thinking that in the first place I am putting stock in what they think, while all I want is to put more stock into what I think, another mind fuck.
I don't know if this goes hand in hand with anything I had experienced as a child. but the one thing those strong women have is a sense of being too needy, and that is very likely what I became, or what they saw me becoming. That is weakness from me, and their love for me, would easily turn them from me. They know I don't want that any more than they do. How do I stop this from happening again? That's a good question, it would be hard for me to stand up to anything without preference, but maybe trying not to make excuses for the needs of others would be a start.
Yesterday a friend of mine called up to get a ride to pick up some medication from the Walgreen's, I didn't want to do it. There was no reason for me not wanting to do it I just didn't. I did do it though, I made excuses and allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it, he is a friend in need but the exchanges we have are very one sided and I give a lot. That may have happened with both of these women also, it is possible that I was not giving as much as I had and started to demand more.
This is hard work being a responsible adult.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Preference? WTF is that?
So I have known for a long time that I have a problem with preference. I don't care about so many things that I find it hard to choose between those things that I am so indifferent about.
This may be because I was in a 9 year relationship in which when I was told to choose something and it was never the right answer. That being said, what I was choosing was to be with her.What we did meant nothing to me, that we did it together was everything. So she was choosing, sure, but that is a lot of pressure on one person over time.
Well, I am not writing this to look at what I was doing to others. I am looking for my relationship to preference and what is causing me to loose my voice in relationships and possible in my life. As we all know, if you are reading this I assume you know, we attract what we put out, and if I put out no preference well, what am I going to get?
I feel this lack of preference has close ties to my relationship with money. As a kid I don't really know what the economic temperature was to be honest, I want to say we were on the poor side but my father, by the time I was 7 or 8, was in a union and my folks bought their first home when I was 11, that made them 28 and 29 with 3 kids, you do the math. we were always cutting back, and the two things that were told to me was "You'll get what you are given" and "You do not need that." These two phrases may have wreaked havoc on my life but what else is a young mother supposed to tell her kids? How much emotion was there for her? How awful it must have been to have to tell her children no.
Well, I learned a lot during those days and today I can not remember what I had that I really liked. I had some toys, I specifically remember a stuffed Bullwinkle doll I talked to a lot, one incident in particular where I talked to it about the violence in my household. These memories talk to me in a special way.
I was recently told to look at, and pay attention to "Little Marty" but when I look back at his life I can't see it. I mean I can remember little things but I don't recall little Marty having a whole lot of preference either. What the hell did I like? I will tell you I liked bonding with my dad, but it was always uncomfortable because I had nothing in common with the man. He would laugh at something and I would glom onto it as a way to win favor it was often at the expence of others, so that was never really in my wheelhouse..
How sick is that in retrospect?
There was one time, and I have no idea what caused it, that every time my father came home I would get so nauseous I could hardly stand up. I would not eat with everyone else but would go to my room and pretend to sleep until he settled in after dinner or left for his second job. I was afraid of him, but again I do not know what caused it. If I were to be honest with my thoughts it may have been that he held guilt or fear about something during those days that I was picking up on, he did cheat on my mother and I have the ability, for whatever reason, to be in touch with others in that way.
Those days I had a preference. A preference to not be around my father. That was driven by something bigger than me and I have no idea what. When it came to things though, I don't really recall liking something more than another. I had cars, and liked to play with them with my father because he like to play with them. Again, here is an experience where someone who is entertaining themselves is telling me how to be there for them and I am looking to help make their experience better.
I know now that my father, when he looks to me and says "Don't you remember when we..." fill in the blank, is really only looking at his experience, and the joy he had. "I don't remember that" is almost always my response. Is it because I didn't choose it? Was my entire life built around what other people wanted? I mean I live a great life, I am lucky and surrounded by people I love and that love me, it is honest and I am open but when I am in a relationship with others I take that passenger seat, because I don't have a preference for what, only who.
This in many belief systems is a wonderful thing, and actually helps me be strong because I am not attached to things so much. Even when I got diagnosed with MS I got on with it rather quickly, Why? because I am surrounded by people and love. Without a preference I can easily accept this new world and life. I have to live without a whole lot of grieving, because it, whatever it is, is. There is no denying that, so we move on. That is where not having a preference is amazing and has offered me strength in the face of adversity time and time again.
But where has it failed me? Not having a preference has been difficult in the face of strong women so it seems. It is hard for me to point my finger and say they are the problem because, if something is happening to me it is me that is asking for it. I would not really consider any of this a "problem" at all. actually it is great to be going through this, unfortunate maybe to loose people I feel so strongly for but I didn't learn something after a 9 year relationship crumbled, and so I am looking at it all again. I hope I am ready to learn now but you never know.
Strong women today in the United States have preference they know what they want and they fight for it. I offer no struggle. I actually help them get what they want, or at least I attempt to. I come second to strong women, but as I have seen I came second to what my father wanted also. I LOVE strong women, I am surrounded by them in my life, women that do not need anyone, that is something I want to support. Is that because I am weak? I don't think so but in the face of that strength I have a voice but no preference.
So how do I get preference? Okay I can fake it, which I have been doing for 40 years. I ask myself "What will garner me respect? and I do that thing. I found out recently, over the past 10 years, that I do not like a lot of things. I have been fooled into liking music, dancing, cars, travel, money, smoking, drinking, drugs... oh man you name it. I liked these things not because I actually liked it but because it was the thing the people I surrounded myself with all accepted as the thing we liked.
People have changed in my life a lot it should be said. I stopped drinking and using drugs in my early 20s, I stopped smoking in my early 30s. Those were special groups of course. I am surrounded today by people who love art. and I like it I can honestly say, but I really only like that art which is touched by something bigger. The artists that does the hard work of following intuition being connected to all that they are. Those are the artists that I am attracted to. The art world as a whole can just suck it for all I care really.
I get excited about making my pet portraits and home watercolors because I know they will bring joy into the life of people. That is what art does, and can do.
So again I see that I like not the thing, the art that is created, but the relationship it has with the world and the viewer. This is probably why I get excited about my Portrait Project, a project I still work on today but it is one where I go to people's homes and sit with them for 2 or 3 hours to paint an oil pastel portrait of them. I connect and am able to offer and receive love in this situation. That is my preference.
But again how can I have a preference for things, foods, actions, movies, music? Do I need that? Probably not, but that answer goes back to the problem I have with money and the thing I was told as a child "You don't NEED that."
Well fuck that! I want preference and I want to look at preference. I do have some prefrences so let's look at those.
I prefer good cooking utensils. I like things that are well crafted, I am not a fan of fancy things that are fancy for the sake of being fancy but utilitarian. I do not want to buy 3 spatulas in my life, I think I can buy one and it last me and it not be something that is ever "Out of style" because it is not being built for style, but built for a purpose. Actually I have my Ladle and my Spatula, they will both last me my lifetime, so my preference on that front is settled.
I want to know what I want. Don't we all? That is not easy for me having grown up in a "you do not need that" and "You will take what you get" household. I see that I want a relationship that is close, and whether it is physical or not doesn't bother me.
WHOA, so what I see is that I want to love, okay but I see that I have loved these two women, and probably many of my friends more than I love myself. I may have just stumbled upon an issue.
So if I am not loving myself and there is a preference to love others what am I diverting?
Understand I do love myself, I have no fear in saying that, but what is this need or desire to give so much to others. So much so that it is not an even exchange causing guilt, but I do not tend to have resentment, actually I blame myself when things go wrong. I am working on not apologizing for being me but the "I am sorry's" do still slip through from time to time. I do know that sometimes I apologize to get coddled, to be told it is not my fault, to get my myself in a lower position to be treated with a little pity and get what I want, to give to the person that I am in the presence of.
Why do I struggle like this. The women that left me loved me, that is obvious but how was I not enough, and I know I am enough, but why do I have to be here without them? They were amazing and I can not ever say enough about them, I did and continue to place them on a pedestal, because they are me. That is for sure! They have something in them that I see in myself or I want for myself, which is another box all together. My preferences are for people, special people, strong people as I see them from where I am. So where am I now that this pain and struggle is needed. I am hurt by people who love me and I either no longer believe I am worth their time or I no longer believe I am worth my time.
I would prefer to have my best friend back, that is a preference, although it is one that requires another person so I don't get to dictate that, again if I have no preference it can not be taken from me, but I have to see this as an opportunity not a lack of anything. This is something being done for me not to me.
I just took a trip to the store, and again I noticed how my choices were dictated solely by my MS Whal's Protocol diet (Here we go again with another strong women telling me what to do) and price. So I get the diet and price thing. I mean I have not been doing great financially, but I live under these strict umbrellas and thoughts. I think it is immature to eat food that comes in a foil bag, I do it on occasion but I have shame about it. Also I love a Coke Cola but again drinking this, to me, knowing it is filled with poison, doing this is just giving in to craving, addiction, and all the things that advertisers want us to fall victim to. I am so suspicious of advertising, and in the United State that is no small portion of your surroundings. So again is a preference a preference or what we have been taught to think?
When I was a Little Marty my dad would get frustrated at Credit Card Companies, not that he had a credit card, but he would argue to the television and tell me that it was a scam and only suckers got credit cards, "If you don't have the money to buy it you don't need it."
There again I do not "Need it" that's the reason I did not go to college for a bachelor's degree. I didn't have the money nor would I have ever had the money, so I thought. So there I was learning all about money from a couple that was always cutting back. My needs were a burden, or they would have been had I had any. I think that I realized my older sister, who was smarter than I when it came to school and grades, not when it comes to empathy or people, but how would you grade that, was the one that wanted and received. When she received, I would naturally get something because we were only 11 months apart. I would be quiet and respectful and I would receive as residual of her receiving.
Our birthdays were only 11 days apart, and I don't know why or how that relates but, I have a lot of shame about my birthday. I avoid it but maybe want it to be a big deal. I have no idea what I feel about my birthday but I am sure it has something to do with preference. My ex-girlfriend, the one I was with for 9 years, she figured it out, I wanted an experience with her. She was absolutely right, I did. I loved her, still do to this day, I will never stop loving anyone I loved, I don't understand how I could, so of course I wanted to be with her doing something, I could not think of anything better.
So there, that is what I like, that is what I prefer, to be with and to share and experience. But I have always known that, so how AGAIN do I tap into the preferences that I can have with me every day?
How can I prefer one restaurant over another, the food is more delicious when I am with someone I love. Is there an answer? I mean I come across top 10 reviews all the time these days. With the whole social media world throwing out click bait every time you look up its hard to miss. They mean nothing. Do I know the writer and their tastes? No. So Why the hell do I want to know his top 10? Okay it is for tourists, read yelp and a few top 10s and boom, now you are off to experience your life. I can't imagine doing this but I know when giving a recommendation, I will pit my thoughts up against a few top 10s or yelp, I am disgusted by myself when I do that but how the hell do I say "Find someone to share it with and go any damn place you want." cause that is what I want to say. because one fuckin pizza is no better than another at a certain point. Living in Chicago that's the big talking point, Pizza. Giordano's, Uno or whatever the fuck. Maybe side by side there are differences but really, at that level its all the same nbd, or so I think.
But again here I am touting the values of not having a preference again, man this is pervasive.
So I don't want to go around being a guy that know's the right answer to "Who has the best deep dish" I really think that would suck. But what about my time, here is the issue, my Best Friend who decided to take leave of our friendship, said I had more adoration for her than she had for me (or something like that), so is that about how I decided to spend my time with her, was I in the quantity field and feeling it was quality because I found myself doing for her? I really can't see how someone couldn't take advantage of me, I mean I will say yes to those I love and have love me in return. I can say no when I feel like I do not want to do something but in this case I did, for the most part.
Ahhh here is the truth. I was feeling like I didn't want to do a few things on the grand scheme, I felt I needed space in the friendship also, but I didn't want to lose it. Today I fear that may be what happened by not taking those steps to create space on my own. I loved her, sure, but I was beyond having a crush on her as I will admit, and had to her, a long time ago; 18 months or so. This is where I need to hold fast to preference. I can not just give my time up. Hell, but how hard is it to drop some insignificant thing I am doing to go to the aid of my friend.
WOW! Is that some white knight bullshit or what? And why is what I am doing insignificant?
So here is what I figured out so far...
Let's go over those last two points, I worked those out in my head but don't really think I wrote about them yet.
I realize that over the past few years I have given a lot, but really I do give a lot, and have my entire life. But I have given an extraordinary amount to a very few select people more recently. This is because I love them, sure. I am not stingy with my love either, I love my friends I love my family and even acquaintances that I happen to be with, at the time I am with them I love them, deeply. I believe that is because I love myself and I know that we are all connected and so the experiences I have are given to me so I like to be 100% present in those situations.
I am not exactly sure when the problems in my relationships arise because I ma not on the reciving end of my treatment, but I know if I could love myself to the extent that I have loved these two women I would be in a much different place than I am today. This reads to me as wanting to do two things need and be needed.
Remember, I grew up in a place where I didn't "Need" things. So, to ask of my friends for favors when I may like to have help, what ends up happening in my head is a conversation about how much I may, or may not, actually need this help. On the one side, I am fine, I am always fine there is nothing that I can say I actually NEED. Life might be easier if I had a little help but I wouldn't want to inconvenience them for that. Once again crushing my preference, preferring not to prefer.
This lead me to a story where I, having a flair up of my MS asked of my best friend, you know her, for a ride. She lovingly excepted and I started to walk, which was difficult in my position, so she wouldn't have to drive over a rough patch of road between our houses. This frustrated her and she yelled at me to let others come to me, this made me cry, because I don't let others come to me. I don't know why I have learned this but immediately following that incident her seat belt alarm started to ding and it became the most important thing for me to put on my seat belt. Her response was that it would turn off shortly and not to concern myself with it but, again, it was all I could do was focus on getting my seat belt on. She again responded sarcastically that we wouldn't want to inconvenience the car. Again I cried, I couldn't help but see that I was second not only to her but to her car and I realized that no matter how much I loved myself I was not giving myself that love and was worried way too much about either how I was being perceived or what I was supposed to be doing.
So how does all that add up to wanting to be needed? Well, here I was needing someone and they were there lickity split and I was just not allowing it because from where I was sitting I was not important enough to have someone want to help me. And if the assumption of what is going on outside is a reflection of the inside there is a bit of disconnect here. I have, on the outside, help. That is available to me on the inside but I am rejecting it. lowering my value not feeling worthy of being offered help and on the same token I am willing to drop what it is I am doing to help those I love. My preference being to give rather than receive in this case.
Fucking Hell! I haven't even started talking about Shame, Guilt, Fear or Addiction yet, this is going to be a lot.
So where is my preference getting fucked up? Why am I giving more than I am open to receiving? am I closed off to the Universe as well? who holds the card and why am I not wanting to be heard?
Well that last one might be easier than the others my dad was a "Children should be seen not heard" kind of a guy and even as a child I agreed with him. Today I am no child and I have amazing thoughts but still don't always stand up for them. again this comes down to the question "Do I need to?" and more often than not I see that I don't, rightly or wrongly.
I have little or no need to convince others I am right, I have no desire to be right at all. I am always right for my own sake but I needn't believe or convince others of any ideas. life is not about being right it is about living and more to the point, as far as I am concerned, it is about loving. That again goes to the preference questions, I have no preference for any one idea over another in the grand scheme.
What is your favorite season? Who cares, I always said autumn just to have an answer. Then I heard someone say "The next one" Meaning she was a fan of whatever was about to come. I thought that was brilliant, and solved my problem, not that it was my answer, but I was able to adopt it as one that was closer to what I felt than autumn. actually I don't care about seasons. Why should I? It is just weather after all. Same thing goes for colors and numbers, for me having a favorite doesn't make a lick of sense at all. But then again, I have no preference.
I often find when I do adopt a favorite it often quickly fades from my awareness and I then become attracted to other things in that same arena. All things like that except people. of course people change but if they are bettering themselves no one has fallen out of favor from me. of course people change in my life relationships change or fade but I hold love in my heart for all those that I have met and cared for.
So this still leaves us groping for answers as to why I have no preference.
I have an ideal, and ideal me, it had always been almost what I am. There are times that I don't know who I am at all, especially times like these where I am challenged by those that I love.
I am going to tell you I want a home, a house, I want to buy a house. I would love it to be in Chicago, where I was born and raised. I ask myself do I have a preference and I can not find one. I look at houses in my neighborhood and love them, others neighborhoods and love them as well. Where am I going to find preference?
I used to, and still do, say that "I don't live life I experience life being lived through me." well if I don't start to figure this out I may loose all the wonderful people in my life as they feel they are taking advantage of me and my immeasurable kindness and love.
More on preference to come I am sure
This may be because I was in a 9 year relationship in which when I was told to choose something and it was never the right answer. That being said, what I was choosing was to be with her.What we did meant nothing to me, that we did it together was everything. So she was choosing, sure, but that is a lot of pressure on one person over time.
Well, I am not writing this to look at what I was doing to others. I am looking for my relationship to preference and what is causing me to loose my voice in relationships and possible in my life. As we all know, if you are reading this I assume you know, we attract what we put out, and if I put out no preference well, what am I going to get?
I feel this lack of preference has close ties to my relationship with money. As a kid I don't really know what the economic temperature was to be honest, I want to say we were on the poor side but my father, by the time I was 7 or 8, was in a union and my folks bought their first home when I was 11, that made them 28 and 29 with 3 kids, you do the math. we were always cutting back, and the two things that were told to me was "You'll get what you are given" and "You do not need that." These two phrases may have wreaked havoc on my life but what else is a young mother supposed to tell her kids? How much emotion was there for her? How awful it must have been to have to tell her children no.
Well, I learned a lot during those days and today I can not remember what I had that I really liked. I had some toys, I specifically remember a stuffed Bullwinkle doll I talked to a lot, one incident in particular where I talked to it about the violence in my household. These memories talk to me in a special way.
I was recently told to look at, and pay attention to "Little Marty" but when I look back at his life I can't see it. I mean I can remember little things but I don't recall little Marty having a whole lot of preference either. What the hell did I like? I will tell you I liked bonding with my dad, but it was always uncomfortable because I had nothing in common with the man. He would laugh at something and I would glom onto it as a way to win favor it was often at the expence of others, so that was never really in my wheelhouse..
How sick is that in retrospect?
There was one time, and I have no idea what caused it, that every time my father came home I would get so nauseous I could hardly stand up. I would not eat with everyone else but would go to my room and pretend to sleep until he settled in after dinner or left for his second job. I was afraid of him, but again I do not know what caused it. If I were to be honest with my thoughts it may have been that he held guilt or fear about something during those days that I was picking up on, he did cheat on my mother and I have the ability, for whatever reason, to be in touch with others in that way.
Those days I had a preference. A preference to not be around my father. That was driven by something bigger than me and I have no idea what. When it came to things though, I don't really recall liking something more than another. I had cars, and liked to play with them with my father because he like to play with them. Again, here is an experience where someone who is entertaining themselves is telling me how to be there for them and I am looking to help make their experience better.
I know now that my father, when he looks to me and says "Don't you remember when we..." fill in the blank, is really only looking at his experience, and the joy he had. "I don't remember that" is almost always my response. Is it because I didn't choose it? Was my entire life built around what other people wanted? I mean I live a great life, I am lucky and surrounded by people I love and that love me, it is honest and I am open but when I am in a relationship with others I take that passenger seat, because I don't have a preference for what, only who.
This in many belief systems is a wonderful thing, and actually helps me be strong because I am not attached to things so much. Even when I got diagnosed with MS I got on with it rather quickly, Why? because I am surrounded by people and love. Without a preference I can easily accept this new world and life. I have to live without a whole lot of grieving, because it, whatever it is, is. There is no denying that, so we move on. That is where not having a preference is amazing and has offered me strength in the face of adversity time and time again.
But where has it failed me? Not having a preference has been difficult in the face of strong women so it seems. It is hard for me to point my finger and say they are the problem because, if something is happening to me it is me that is asking for it. I would not really consider any of this a "problem" at all. actually it is great to be going through this, unfortunate maybe to loose people I feel so strongly for but I didn't learn something after a 9 year relationship crumbled, and so I am looking at it all again. I hope I am ready to learn now but you never know.
Strong women today in the United States have preference they know what they want and they fight for it. I offer no struggle. I actually help them get what they want, or at least I attempt to. I come second to strong women, but as I have seen I came second to what my father wanted also. I LOVE strong women, I am surrounded by them in my life, women that do not need anyone, that is something I want to support. Is that because I am weak? I don't think so but in the face of that strength I have a voice but no preference.
So how do I get preference? Okay I can fake it, which I have been doing for 40 years. I ask myself "What will garner me respect? and I do that thing. I found out recently, over the past 10 years, that I do not like a lot of things. I have been fooled into liking music, dancing, cars, travel, money, smoking, drinking, drugs... oh man you name it. I liked these things not because I actually liked it but because it was the thing the people I surrounded myself with all accepted as the thing we liked.
People have changed in my life a lot it should be said. I stopped drinking and using drugs in my early 20s, I stopped smoking in my early 30s. Those were special groups of course. I am surrounded today by people who love art. and I like it I can honestly say, but I really only like that art which is touched by something bigger. The artists that does the hard work of following intuition being connected to all that they are. Those are the artists that I am attracted to. The art world as a whole can just suck it for all I care really.
I get excited about making my pet portraits and home watercolors because I know they will bring joy into the life of people. That is what art does, and can do.
So again I see that I like not the thing, the art that is created, but the relationship it has with the world and the viewer. This is probably why I get excited about my Portrait Project, a project I still work on today but it is one where I go to people's homes and sit with them for 2 or 3 hours to paint an oil pastel portrait of them. I connect and am able to offer and receive love in this situation. That is my preference.
But again how can I have a preference for things, foods, actions, movies, music? Do I need that? Probably not, but that answer goes back to the problem I have with money and the thing I was told as a child "You don't NEED that."
Well fuck that! I want preference and I want to look at preference. I do have some prefrences so let's look at those.
I prefer good cooking utensils. I like things that are well crafted, I am not a fan of fancy things that are fancy for the sake of being fancy but utilitarian. I do not want to buy 3 spatulas in my life, I think I can buy one and it last me and it not be something that is ever "Out of style" because it is not being built for style, but built for a purpose. Actually I have my Ladle and my Spatula, they will both last me my lifetime, so my preference on that front is settled.
I want to know what I want. Don't we all? That is not easy for me having grown up in a "you do not need that" and "You will take what you get" household. I see that I want a relationship that is close, and whether it is physical or not doesn't bother me.
WHOA, so what I see is that I want to love, okay but I see that I have loved these two women, and probably many of my friends more than I love myself. I may have just stumbled upon an issue.
So if I am not loving myself and there is a preference to love others what am I diverting?
Understand I do love myself, I have no fear in saying that, but what is this need or desire to give so much to others. So much so that it is not an even exchange causing guilt, but I do not tend to have resentment, actually I blame myself when things go wrong. I am working on not apologizing for being me but the "I am sorry's" do still slip through from time to time. I do know that sometimes I apologize to get coddled, to be told it is not my fault, to get my myself in a lower position to be treated with a little pity and get what I want, to give to the person that I am in the presence of.
Why do I struggle like this. The women that left me loved me, that is obvious but how was I not enough, and I know I am enough, but why do I have to be here without them? They were amazing and I can not ever say enough about them, I did and continue to place them on a pedestal, because they are me. That is for sure! They have something in them that I see in myself or I want for myself, which is another box all together. My preferences are for people, special people, strong people as I see them from where I am. So where am I now that this pain and struggle is needed. I am hurt by people who love me and I either no longer believe I am worth their time or I no longer believe I am worth my time.
I would prefer to have my best friend back, that is a preference, although it is one that requires another person so I don't get to dictate that, again if I have no preference it can not be taken from me, but I have to see this as an opportunity not a lack of anything. This is something being done for me not to me.
I just took a trip to the store, and again I noticed how my choices were dictated solely by my MS Whal's Protocol diet (Here we go again with another strong women telling me what to do) and price. So I get the diet and price thing. I mean I have not been doing great financially, but I live under these strict umbrellas and thoughts. I think it is immature to eat food that comes in a foil bag, I do it on occasion but I have shame about it. Also I love a Coke Cola but again drinking this, to me, knowing it is filled with poison, doing this is just giving in to craving, addiction, and all the things that advertisers want us to fall victim to. I am so suspicious of advertising, and in the United State that is no small portion of your surroundings. So again is a preference a preference or what we have been taught to think?
When I was a Little Marty my dad would get frustrated at Credit Card Companies, not that he had a credit card, but he would argue to the television and tell me that it was a scam and only suckers got credit cards, "If you don't have the money to buy it you don't need it."
There again I do not "Need it" that's the reason I did not go to college for a bachelor's degree. I didn't have the money nor would I have ever had the money, so I thought. So there I was learning all about money from a couple that was always cutting back. My needs were a burden, or they would have been had I had any. I think that I realized my older sister, who was smarter than I when it came to school and grades, not when it comes to empathy or people, but how would you grade that, was the one that wanted and received. When she received, I would naturally get something because we were only 11 months apart. I would be quiet and respectful and I would receive as residual of her receiving.
Our birthdays were only 11 days apart, and I don't know why or how that relates but, I have a lot of shame about my birthday. I avoid it but maybe want it to be a big deal. I have no idea what I feel about my birthday but I am sure it has something to do with preference. My ex-girlfriend, the one I was with for 9 years, she figured it out, I wanted an experience with her. She was absolutely right, I did. I loved her, still do to this day, I will never stop loving anyone I loved, I don't understand how I could, so of course I wanted to be with her doing something, I could not think of anything better.
So there, that is what I like, that is what I prefer, to be with and to share and experience. But I have always known that, so how AGAIN do I tap into the preferences that I can have with me every day?
How can I prefer one restaurant over another, the food is more delicious when I am with someone I love. Is there an answer? I mean I come across top 10 reviews all the time these days. With the whole social media world throwing out click bait every time you look up its hard to miss. They mean nothing. Do I know the writer and their tastes? No. So Why the hell do I want to know his top 10? Okay it is for tourists, read yelp and a few top 10s and boom, now you are off to experience your life. I can't imagine doing this but I know when giving a recommendation, I will pit my thoughts up against a few top 10s or yelp, I am disgusted by myself when I do that but how the hell do I say "Find someone to share it with and go any damn place you want." cause that is what I want to say. because one fuckin pizza is no better than another at a certain point. Living in Chicago that's the big talking point, Pizza. Giordano's, Uno or whatever the fuck. Maybe side by side there are differences but really, at that level its all the same nbd, or so I think.
But again here I am touting the values of not having a preference again, man this is pervasive.
So I don't want to go around being a guy that know's the right answer to "Who has the best deep dish" I really think that would suck. But what about my time, here is the issue, my Best Friend who decided to take leave of our friendship, said I had more adoration for her than she had for me (or something like that), so is that about how I decided to spend my time with her, was I in the quantity field and feeling it was quality because I found myself doing for her? I really can't see how someone couldn't take advantage of me, I mean I will say yes to those I love and have love me in return. I can say no when I feel like I do not want to do something but in this case I did, for the most part.
Ahhh here is the truth. I was feeling like I didn't want to do a few things on the grand scheme, I felt I needed space in the friendship also, but I didn't want to lose it. Today I fear that may be what happened by not taking those steps to create space on my own. I loved her, sure, but I was beyond having a crush on her as I will admit, and had to her, a long time ago; 18 months or so. This is where I need to hold fast to preference. I can not just give my time up. Hell, but how hard is it to drop some insignificant thing I am doing to go to the aid of my friend.
WOW! Is that some white knight bullshit or what? And why is what I am doing insignificant?
So here is what I figured out so far...
- I have little preference other than spending time with people I respect and love
- I happen to attract and connect with strong women (and men but lets stay focused)
- Strong women have strong preferences in the United States today, maybe
- Doing things for strong women is not a way to gain preference
- My time needs to be more important to me than their needs, relatively
- I probably want to be needed, but strong women don't do that
- I probably really want to feel needed by myself
Let's go over those last two points, I worked those out in my head but don't really think I wrote about them yet.
I realize that over the past few years I have given a lot, but really I do give a lot, and have my entire life. But I have given an extraordinary amount to a very few select people more recently. This is because I love them, sure. I am not stingy with my love either, I love my friends I love my family and even acquaintances that I happen to be with, at the time I am with them I love them, deeply. I believe that is because I love myself and I know that we are all connected and so the experiences I have are given to me so I like to be 100% present in those situations.
I am not exactly sure when the problems in my relationships arise because I ma not on the reciving end of my treatment, but I know if I could love myself to the extent that I have loved these two women I would be in a much different place than I am today. This reads to me as wanting to do two things need and be needed.
Remember, I grew up in a place where I didn't "Need" things. So, to ask of my friends for favors when I may like to have help, what ends up happening in my head is a conversation about how much I may, or may not, actually need this help. On the one side, I am fine, I am always fine there is nothing that I can say I actually NEED. Life might be easier if I had a little help but I wouldn't want to inconvenience them for that. Once again crushing my preference, preferring not to prefer.
This lead me to a story where I, having a flair up of my MS asked of my best friend, you know her, for a ride. She lovingly excepted and I started to walk, which was difficult in my position, so she wouldn't have to drive over a rough patch of road between our houses. This frustrated her and she yelled at me to let others come to me, this made me cry, because I don't let others come to me. I don't know why I have learned this but immediately following that incident her seat belt alarm started to ding and it became the most important thing for me to put on my seat belt. Her response was that it would turn off shortly and not to concern myself with it but, again, it was all I could do was focus on getting my seat belt on. She again responded sarcastically that we wouldn't want to inconvenience the car. Again I cried, I couldn't help but see that I was second not only to her but to her car and I realized that no matter how much I loved myself I was not giving myself that love and was worried way too much about either how I was being perceived or what I was supposed to be doing.
So how does all that add up to wanting to be needed? Well, here I was needing someone and they were there lickity split and I was just not allowing it because from where I was sitting I was not important enough to have someone want to help me. And if the assumption of what is going on outside is a reflection of the inside there is a bit of disconnect here. I have, on the outside, help. That is available to me on the inside but I am rejecting it. lowering my value not feeling worthy of being offered help and on the same token I am willing to drop what it is I am doing to help those I love. My preference being to give rather than receive in this case.
Fucking Hell! I haven't even started talking about Shame, Guilt, Fear or Addiction yet, this is going to be a lot.
So where is my preference getting fucked up? Why am I giving more than I am open to receiving? am I closed off to the Universe as well? who holds the card and why am I not wanting to be heard?
Well that last one might be easier than the others my dad was a "Children should be seen not heard" kind of a guy and even as a child I agreed with him. Today I am no child and I have amazing thoughts but still don't always stand up for them. again this comes down to the question "Do I need to?" and more often than not I see that I don't, rightly or wrongly.
I have little or no need to convince others I am right, I have no desire to be right at all. I am always right for my own sake but I needn't believe or convince others of any ideas. life is not about being right it is about living and more to the point, as far as I am concerned, it is about loving. That again goes to the preference questions, I have no preference for any one idea over another in the grand scheme.
What is your favorite season? Who cares, I always said autumn just to have an answer. Then I heard someone say "The next one" Meaning she was a fan of whatever was about to come. I thought that was brilliant, and solved my problem, not that it was my answer, but I was able to adopt it as one that was closer to what I felt than autumn. actually I don't care about seasons. Why should I? It is just weather after all. Same thing goes for colors and numbers, for me having a favorite doesn't make a lick of sense at all. But then again, I have no preference.
I often find when I do adopt a favorite it often quickly fades from my awareness and I then become attracted to other things in that same arena. All things like that except people. of course people change but if they are bettering themselves no one has fallen out of favor from me. of course people change in my life relationships change or fade but I hold love in my heart for all those that I have met and cared for.
So this still leaves us groping for answers as to why I have no preference.
I have an ideal, and ideal me, it had always been almost what I am. There are times that I don't know who I am at all, especially times like these where I am challenged by those that I love.
I am going to tell you I want a home, a house, I want to buy a house. I would love it to be in Chicago, where I was born and raised. I ask myself do I have a preference and I can not find one. I look at houses in my neighborhood and love them, others neighborhoods and love them as well. Where am I going to find preference?
I used to, and still do, say that "I don't live life I experience life being lived through me." well if I don't start to figure this out I may loose all the wonderful people in my life as they feel they are taking advantage of me and my immeasurable kindness and love.
More on preference to come I am sure
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