In my practice I see many people who are looking to deepen their self-reflective gaze in order to better understand themselves and how they interact with the world. Although everything in the universe happens for a reason and there are no coincidences, it is not always easy to see how we are related to it all. It is important it remember who we are at the time we are looking. That is not so easy to discern as many of us, I am sure, can attest to. My portrait process is special in that it allows the subject that unique ability to look at themselves from the outside, as the observer.
When I get to certain point in our sessions where I feel there has been a number of significant things shared, this can include deaths in the family, major triumphs or traumas, goals past and present, and a host of other sorts of interactions with the world whether they be in the past, future or present, I have a host of questions that could be asked. The one that I get great responses from is "What is your earliest memory?" It has been the case that knowing what the earliest memory is helps considerably with where conflicts between belief systems arise.
The earliest memory is interesting because I, personally, do not care if what they tell me is actually their earliest memory or not, what I care about is the memory that comes up. In my work what is perceive is way more important than what would be "fact," because that is the world in which they are living and creating, fact is usually just a perception from an outside source. We primarily live in a world built by faulty memories. Memories make up the world around us much more than the world around us does. Everything that is of the world is neutral, we define good/bad beautiful/ugly and so no. Nothing has a definition other than what it happens to be, and neither do we. People choose to be "something"
We choose to be angry, or happy. We choose to be grateful or greedy. It is easy to say the world and our surroundings made us who we are, and in effect you would be absolutely correct in saying that. On the other hand if you decided to choose differently you can change your situation, but it is not easy. When you do accomplish that change, and you say I made myself this way, again you would be correct in saying that. Neither of those statements, "The world made me" or "I made me" are true mind you, but you would be correct in making them.
The earliest memory question does a lot of things, first it allows the person being asked to say anything because I, as the facilitator, could never prove or disprove an answer. It also allows subconscious links to past memories on subjects that we are covering. We all have specific memories that are very important to us that, for whatever reason, are vivid and clear, but others involved in the memory don't recall at all. For my own health and self reflection, I take note at what I may have learned about myself or others, these have rarely been positive things. I feel that, for myself, if a memory lingers it is against my nature and may be a place that needs clearing. So many signs are stored inside us and it doesn't always, if ever,take a huge Ah-Ha moment to get beyond them, sometimes it just takes recognizing them and taking note when we give in to them.
It has seemed like everyone, when asked, has known their earliest memory prior to being asked it, but it always has ties to some of the biggest conflict areas in their current lives. Its a difficult task trying to figure out the brain and its relationship to the universe, which is why I do not question the answers I hear. They may only be the answer for the time I ask it, and that is fine, the is perfect actually, because then it is honest, and that is what facilitation requires.
What are some conflict areas you are sorting out? Put out there, like for myself I value what I do but I do not have a drive to exchange it for money but that is a must moving forward. now ask yourself what is your earliest memory, for me at the moment it seems to be my father no being home when I was a child. For me that shows that connecting with loved ones and money, my father was always "working," do not mix. For me to sort through that conflict is going to be important and to be sure I understand that I can just as easily connect with others while getting paid fairly as I do when I do not. I can also donate 1 full session to those who can not afford them for every full session I get paid for. This is in line with my desire to help and be open and available.
Showing posts with label mastery of self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mastery of self. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
I Am My Greatest Acomplishment
So I am writing out some life goals and outlining my plans or hopes and wishes for the coming years. I have done this loosely in the past but combining this with some vision board work and all my new ideas and all, I really feel like I can make some strides. One of the things I want to do is own a home, it's not an "American Dream" thing, although it may be, it is really about me having space. I love space, I want to host dinners, I want a garden, and not just for growing things in, although that is a must. I want to breath there, meditate and have time to be. I am also looking at being published which is odd because there is nothing that I avoid more than books, but it is something that I have in me and I will not deny it.
My newest venture in my art practice is actually focused more on facilitation than it is on art. I have always been drawn to help others. I would actually help others before I take for myself, and that is something I have been examining for a long time and want to be both at peace with it while also open to it shifting as I grow. My making of art has never been real cut and dry, I do oddball things to put me in contact with others. My Portrait Project, or my ChicagoArts interview series, for both I was driven by my desire to connect, but for both I made no money, there is a combined 22 years of creative practice that I didn't charge anyone for. Now I am moving into a facilitation practice to help people self reflect, and I am charging for that and I get to connect and make art because the facilitation work starts with a portrait. I really have to open up to how that is going to work, how it will afford me a home and peace of mind. It is new and I have been put through the ringer enough over the past few years.
All of this is to say that as part of the writing work I ma doing is spelling out what my greatest accomplishments are. It is an odd question because I don't feel like anything I have done is done. I never got a degree from a school, which could be a focal point for many, TRANSfiguration barely ever got off the ground, my Portrait Project was open ended and I continue to explore that, so that is not an "accomplishment." I used to be represented by galleries, but that all changed and now I don't even make work that is intended for showing. The interview series or Our Cultural Center were things I did as well but they both kind of ended without being resolved in a way I was happy with. Everything, for me, has been a lesson, one learning experience after another. There is no accomplishment.
I could laundry list what I have done, because I have done a lot, and it has all been fun and my life is really one giant adventure. But that doesn't change the fact that this answer eludes me. I see that it is because I do not value what I have done, not because it has no value but because it is currently not a currency within my day to day. It all has made me who I am today though, It has made me the person that is loved by so many, and seen so clearly. I really do love who I am. Sure I have a long way to go, I still hold shame and desire, two things I want to get under control, but for the most part I am a great person. I don't know anyone who I would rather be. There are things I want to have more of in my life but I can get those things. The important part to all this is that I am happy with who I am and able to be who I am everywhere I am, this comes from inside myself.
I am privileged to be able to be me, and I recognize that. I do not know how I became to be me but here I am and I am extremely grateful for that. So I guess it turns out that my greatest accomplishment is me. Now, although that is great, try putting that on a resume lol.
My newest venture in my art practice is actually focused more on facilitation than it is on art. I have always been drawn to help others. I would actually help others before I take for myself, and that is something I have been examining for a long time and want to be both at peace with it while also open to it shifting as I grow. My making of art has never been real cut and dry, I do oddball things to put me in contact with others. My Portrait Project, or my ChicagoArts interview series, for both I was driven by my desire to connect, but for both I made no money, there is a combined 22 years of creative practice that I didn't charge anyone for. Now I am moving into a facilitation practice to help people self reflect, and I am charging for that and I get to connect and make art because the facilitation work starts with a portrait. I really have to open up to how that is going to work, how it will afford me a home and peace of mind. It is new and I have been put through the ringer enough over the past few years.
All of this is to say that as part of the writing work I ma doing is spelling out what my greatest accomplishments are. It is an odd question because I don't feel like anything I have done is done. I never got a degree from a school, which could be a focal point for many, TRANSfiguration barely ever got off the ground, my Portrait Project was open ended and I continue to explore that, so that is not an "accomplishment." I used to be represented by galleries, but that all changed and now I don't even make work that is intended for showing. The interview series or Our Cultural Center were things I did as well but they both kind of ended without being resolved in a way I was happy with. Everything, for me, has been a lesson, one learning experience after another. There is no accomplishment.
I could laundry list what I have done, because I have done a lot, and it has all been fun and my life is really one giant adventure. But that doesn't change the fact that this answer eludes me. I see that it is because I do not value what I have done, not because it has no value but because it is currently not a currency within my day to day. It all has made me who I am today though, It has made me the person that is loved by so many, and seen so clearly. I really do love who I am. Sure I have a long way to go, I still hold shame and desire, two things I want to get under control, but for the most part I am a great person. I don't know anyone who I would rather be. There are things I want to have more of in my life but I can get those things. The important part to all this is that I am happy with who I am and able to be who I am everywhere I am, this comes from inside myself.
I am privileged to be able to be me, and I recognize that. I do not know how I became to be me but here I am and I am extremely grateful for that. So I guess it turns out that my greatest accomplishment is me. Now, although that is great, try putting that on a resume lol.
Friday, August 5, 2016
Visual Language and Portrait Counseling
Today we are not well versed in visual language, there are many studies out that tell us how we react to visual stimuli but very little research or study done to how to decipher that which is created. Most of the research being done is done for marketing so it's not always done with the best intentions. On the other hand there is of course art therapy. There is a big difference between what I am developing, Portrait Counseling, and art therapy though, because the art being made in Portrait Counseling is guided by the intuition of a trained artist and practiced in meditative practices. In Art Therapy the art is made by the patient and they may know nothing about the issues they are facing but the art finds a way to talk to us and search for a solution.
During the portrait session, in Portrait Counseling, the counselor connects in a way we have been driven to connect for as long as people have made art, through the portrait. Through looking, and this is not limited to be with the eyes; I see the hugging saint Amma as someone who renders portraits through hugs, I connect, communicate and allow myself to be spoken to through paint. It is a purposeful looking and connecting. It is less for achieving a likeness than it is for achieving a bond.
Although the ability exists for an artist to make a flattering portrait of a person is it less likely to hold true connection and honesty. For an artist, one trained in the crafts of rendering, it is not difficult to recreate a likeness on the page, but when there is an attempt to recreate a likeness, the artist’s attention is on themself, and what the client wants, the artists works from a place of being pressured; this may not be that case when the artist is being hired for their insight and working style, but most artists do not get hired with that agreement presupposed. The connection is only made possible by not thinking of the likeness, although the bust of the client is the center focus of where and how the image will form itself, the portrait is made more from the aether.
“The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things,but their inner significance: for this, not the external manner and detail, constitutes true reality”
- Aristotle
Portraiture, in art history has an important place dating back to prehistoric times. We can see evidence today of ancient Egyptian portraiture which is the oldest and, most likely, most notable. These were highly stylized of course, but that was a primary form of communication, we lack that sort of visual communication style today.
The question arises, is portraiture the means of communication or is communicating the purpose for the portrait. Either way portraiture and communicating are going hand in hand.
I present to you the claim that honest connection between an artist and their source can open pathways that previously were closed. We accept that meditation is a way that we can center, and hear the voice of the universe or god. It has been proven within the organizations that we trust for information regarding the weird wonky world of the unseen. Both science and religion would not hesitate, when in a space they can speak honestly, to say that meditation (prayer) works towards your overall health.
We also accept that group meditation or prayer is a stronger form of this. Of course group dynamics can alter or disrupt those benefits so, and although organizations like churches and yoga or meditation studios won’t suggest this often, it is always good to explore new groups and new approaches to one's self realization practices. It has still been proven that connections among multiple people can more quickly calm the body and mind and affect things as simple but important as breathing to things as complex and mysterious as cancer. Group meditations can affect things as well as others as well as the efforts of groups like UNIFY, the Wash Alliance, Uplift and others prove.
Under these circumstances both more is better and less is more. I fill the space with less distraction, less intervention, less judgment and at the same time be more, more connected more aware, more present and allow that to drive the moment. I begin by intending to connect through the oneness that has existed since, if not before the Big Bang, the oneness that we all are, the oneness that all is connected to. That connection drives the creation of the portrait. upon completion the client reads, harnesses, and tames the painting. They see themselves, it is a book of sorts for them to read their own story. It is easier for a client to say the portrait looks angry, when they see anger around them because they are angry.
Science has proven to us that what we are experiencing is a mirror of what we see in the world so to create an image of someone and to ask them to study it for a few days is an exercise that will give me a clear vision of how they see themselves and where to prod a bit to open their eyes to the blocks that they are experiencing. this is not comfortable but as we see in every other mime on Facebook, growth exists outside the comfort zone. Come with me and lets find some of those blocks in you 773-843-1794.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
I Can Be A Strong Woman too
Okay we have seen over the past few days how entangled I am with strong women. It stared with my sister at 2 days old and continued bouncing from one strong women telling me whats what to another. There was only one time in my life that I chose to take the opportunity to figure out what I liked. I had a monthly checklist that read something like this...
Monthly Bombardment List
I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.
It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.
Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.
Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.
By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.
I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.
So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.
I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.
So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.
Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.
Monthly Bombardment List
- 4 music shows (at least: 1 jazz - 1 rock - 1 concert/classical)
- 2 theatrical performances
- 3 movies (at least: 1 foreign or documentary)
- 4 restaurants (American traditional does not count)
- 10 art openings/galleries
I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.
It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.
Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.
Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.
By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.
I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.
So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.
I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.
So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.
Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Just Laying it All Out
The posts I have been putting up have been just me sorting through some of my recent pain at a loss of another amazing woman in my life, all to aid in me becoming a better person. I have no idea if it is working or not but I feel like a fool both in having the pain I am currently having as well as why I lost my friend in the first place.
Sure it wasn't my fault, but how can I see that without a voice, and, as was mentioned in previous posts, my voice is not present because I have no preference. This pain I am experiencing is not from "her" or anyone. It is me, the one place I hold preference is with who I choose to share my life with, and that is a great many people mind you. There are just some people that you connect with on a whole different level,and it seems that the connection I had with my friend was not the same as the one she had with me. And again I didn't do anything to disrespect her in any way, and she was clear about that, at least as far as I can recall.
I remember when my Girlfriend of 9 years left me, I didn't take a whole lot of time to sort through my feelings I just got on with it. Had it not been for my being diagnosed with MS I may still be just getting on with it. but here I am holding the bag and with nothing to do but really look at it all and see what I need to do to meet the challenge being presented to me. Sure, I am sad because of what I perceive I have lost, but it doesn't control me.
The losses I feel are deep, because with her I rested my preference, which in turn held my superficial feeling about myself. To see that is important. Day to day I would feel drastically different because I wasn't fully in control of what I was feeling, I was more interested in what this woman thought, and she probably didn't think about me much. So how productive was that?
I do need to find where my day to day superficial acceptance of myself is, I deeply love myself but when others come into my life that know what they want right now, it is an injection of energy. I want that, it resides in me, but I, for whatever reason, am not in touch with it. So that is another reason I am laying this all out for myself, to see what work I need to do to get myself back to oneness. To be the God I know I am.
All of this reflection, brought on by pain I am causing myself after a friend makes a decision for her own life, makes me look at myself and the places where I hold shame, or disappointment in myself. Of course in my mind these thoughts are brought about with the aid of the person, or thing, that allowed me to hurt myself (are you following? that is a difficult one) in short I am the cause of my pain, but using someone else to bring up judgment of myself which I will look at. The judgment that I am feeling abut myself is a telltale sign that there are changes that I want to make within me. The reason I know that is that I am here judging myself, through someone else who has never express judgment toward me at all, these thoughts are coming from somewhere, they are coming from me.
It is important to note that I do not use the word "should" when talking to myself, I replace it, and have done this for over a decade now, with "Want" or "Don't Want," that makes things a whole lot easier to understand for me. I don't believe I "should" do anything, I look inside and figure out what I want to do, and that is how I do. Again without a preference it is not always easy to know what I want to do but that doesn't stop me. If I don't know what I want to do I might just sit in the dark and just be there, until a time comes where I am being and doing something, those are great days.
I had an easy way of knowing what to do there for a while, I would just phone my friend and we would have dinner, laugh and play cards. It was easy, maybe too easy. Now I hurt at the loss of the ease of the friendship, and all that it served in my life.
I am going to get back the the topic of me judging myself and the things that I am looking at changing shortly but I am intrigued with the combination of things going on here. All pointing at me and the places I need to grow and, as I see it, mature.
One place I need to grow is knowing "Click Bait" when I see it, and sending out "Click Bait" when I am hurting. I see this as when, in a friendship or relationship, I test the water, or the water is being tested with me, within a text or an email. I have to remember that if I am sending a message that requires a response I want to be honest that I am not pressuring the person I love to give me the response I want to hear, and if I am feeling needy that is not the responsibility of any one other person. I have a lot of friends and I would like to utilize them all constantly, not just when it suits, or is convenient. They love me as I love them, it is mutual. Now if I can only love myself as much as I love them, things would be sitting pretty. This is tough because it also requires me to care for myself and take myself out on dates, to distract myself from others because I am important to me. But, and this goes back to the judgment thing, if the time I spent with myself is in judgment well... Would I want to be in a relationship with someone that judged me every day? No. So why am I judging myself, I want to see myself as being my soul mate, because I am. Now start to treat myself like that.
On the whole Click Bait issue, if I am aware of the answer I want when sending a text that I would consider Click Bait, I want to be aware enough to not send it in the first place and love myself enough to provide myself with the answer I want, without needing the approval of the other. This is mastery of self.
That kind of smothering of another person is unnecessary. Again I look at the maturity of it. I love myself more than that too, more than to be in any real pain about the loss of my friend. I know that we are connected, I also know that I am connected, and will be forever, with my ex-girlfriend We may never talk again but we share space in this universe, and that's not just wishful thinking. I am a powerful being, and I love extremely openly, so there is no need to feel sad, because I know that life gives me what I need and I am a good listener to life, as I was once told by a women I love dearly.
Too bad there is pain attached to it, but good I say, I loved her and she is no longer here, I once again build her ego. That is something I feel a fool about, and have felt a fool about within our friendship/relationship. It is not hard to see why she had to get away. I was telling myself a lot of stories during our friendship/relationship (If you are not following I am talking about both women here) and never left room for her to come to me. When I felt lonely I reached out, it was that easy, too easy.
Because I was doing the reaching out , I was the one that needed, I was weak. Not in reality but in the situation you understand. So by inflating the egos of the women I loved, I was inadvertently deflating mine. It was a maddening cycle, of my needs being more and more intense and my ability to not reach out less and less likely to happen. This is the point I started sending that "Click bait." I was asking for approval, why did I need approval because I was constantly getting it, time and time again I would reach out, and until it is too much it is fine, but when it becomes too much, it is sad. I understand that and again I am happy for these women to have seen that and stood up to it. My only hope is they do not think I am a sad person. its a tough one really, because in thinking that in the first place I am putting stock in what they think, while all I want is to put more stock into what I think, another mind fuck.
I don't know if this goes hand in hand with anything I had experienced as a child. but the one thing those strong women have is a sense of being too needy, and that is very likely what I became, or what they saw me becoming. That is weakness from me, and their love for me, would easily turn them from me. They know I don't want that any more than they do. How do I stop this from happening again? That's a good question, it would be hard for me to stand up to anything without preference, but maybe trying not to make excuses for the needs of others would be a start.
Yesterday a friend of mine called up to get a ride to pick up some medication from the Walgreen's, I didn't want to do it. There was no reason for me not wanting to do it I just didn't. I did do it though, I made excuses and allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it, he is a friend in need but the exchanges we have are very one sided and I give a lot. That may have happened with both of these women also, it is possible that I was not giving as much as I had and started to demand more.
This is hard work being a responsible adult.
Sure it wasn't my fault, but how can I see that without a voice, and, as was mentioned in previous posts, my voice is not present because I have no preference. This pain I am experiencing is not from "her" or anyone. It is me, the one place I hold preference is with who I choose to share my life with, and that is a great many people mind you. There are just some people that you connect with on a whole different level,and it seems that the connection I had with my friend was not the same as the one she had with me. And again I didn't do anything to disrespect her in any way, and she was clear about that, at least as far as I can recall.
I remember when my Girlfriend of 9 years left me, I didn't take a whole lot of time to sort through my feelings I just got on with it. Had it not been for my being diagnosed with MS I may still be just getting on with it. but here I am holding the bag and with nothing to do but really look at it all and see what I need to do to meet the challenge being presented to me. Sure, I am sad because of what I perceive I have lost, but it doesn't control me.
The losses I feel are deep, because with her I rested my preference, which in turn held my superficial feeling about myself. To see that is important. Day to day I would feel drastically different because I wasn't fully in control of what I was feeling, I was more interested in what this woman thought, and she probably didn't think about me much. So how productive was that?
I do need to find where my day to day superficial acceptance of myself is, I deeply love myself but when others come into my life that know what they want right now, it is an injection of energy. I want that, it resides in me, but I, for whatever reason, am not in touch with it. So that is another reason I am laying this all out for myself, to see what work I need to do to get myself back to oneness. To be the God I know I am.
All of this reflection, brought on by pain I am causing myself after a friend makes a decision for her own life, makes me look at myself and the places where I hold shame, or disappointment in myself. Of course in my mind these thoughts are brought about with the aid of the person, or thing, that allowed me to hurt myself (are you following? that is a difficult one) in short I am the cause of my pain, but using someone else to bring up judgment of myself which I will look at. The judgment that I am feeling abut myself is a telltale sign that there are changes that I want to make within me. The reason I know that is that I am here judging myself, through someone else who has never express judgment toward me at all, these thoughts are coming from somewhere, they are coming from me.
It is important to note that I do not use the word "should" when talking to myself, I replace it, and have done this for over a decade now, with "Want" or "Don't Want," that makes things a whole lot easier to understand for me. I don't believe I "should" do anything, I look inside and figure out what I want to do, and that is how I do. Again without a preference it is not always easy to know what I want to do but that doesn't stop me. If I don't know what I want to do I might just sit in the dark and just be there, until a time comes where I am being and doing something, those are great days.
I had an easy way of knowing what to do there for a while, I would just phone my friend and we would have dinner, laugh and play cards. It was easy, maybe too easy. Now I hurt at the loss of the ease of the friendship, and all that it served in my life.
I am going to get back the the topic of me judging myself and the things that I am looking at changing shortly but I am intrigued with the combination of things going on here. All pointing at me and the places I need to grow and, as I see it, mature.
One place I need to grow is knowing "Click Bait" when I see it, and sending out "Click Bait" when I am hurting. I see this as when, in a friendship or relationship, I test the water, or the water is being tested with me, within a text or an email. I have to remember that if I am sending a message that requires a response I want to be honest that I am not pressuring the person I love to give me the response I want to hear, and if I am feeling needy that is not the responsibility of any one other person. I have a lot of friends and I would like to utilize them all constantly, not just when it suits, or is convenient. They love me as I love them, it is mutual. Now if I can only love myself as much as I love them, things would be sitting pretty. This is tough because it also requires me to care for myself and take myself out on dates, to distract myself from others because I am important to me. But, and this goes back to the judgment thing, if the time I spent with myself is in judgment well... Would I want to be in a relationship with someone that judged me every day? No. So why am I judging myself, I want to see myself as being my soul mate, because I am. Now start to treat myself like that.
On the whole Click Bait issue, if I am aware of the answer I want when sending a text that I would consider Click Bait, I want to be aware enough to not send it in the first place and love myself enough to provide myself with the answer I want, without needing the approval of the other. This is mastery of self.
That kind of smothering of another person is unnecessary. Again I look at the maturity of it. I love myself more than that too, more than to be in any real pain about the loss of my friend. I know that we are connected, I also know that I am connected, and will be forever, with my ex-girlfriend We may never talk again but we share space in this universe, and that's not just wishful thinking. I am a powerful being, and I love extremely openly, so there is no need to feel sad, because I know that life gives me what I need and I am a good listener to life, as I was once told by a women I love dearly.
Too bad there is pain attached to it, but good I say, I loved her and she is no longer here, I once again build her ego. That is something I feel a fool about, and have felt a fool about within our friendship/relationship. It is not hard to see why she had to get away. I was telling myself a lot of stories during our friendship/relationship (If you are not following I am talking about both women here) and never left room for her to come to me. When I felt lonely I reached out, it was that easy, too easy.
Because I was doing the reaching out , I was the one that needed, I was weak. Not in reality but in the situation you understand. So by inflating the egos of the women I loved, I was inadvertently deflating mine. It was a maddening cycle, of my needs being more and more intense and my ability to not reach out less and less likely to happen. This is the point I started sending that "Click bait." I was asking for approval, why did I need approval because I was constantly getting it, time and time again I would reach out, and until it is too much it is fine, but when it becomes too much, it is sad. I understand that and again I am happy for these women to have seen that and stood up to it. My only hope is they do not think I am a sad person. its a tough one really, because in thinking that in the first place I am putting stock in what they think, while all I want is to put more stock into what I think, another mind fuck.
I don't know if this goes hand in hand with anything I had experienced as a child. but the one thing those strong women have is a sense of being too needy, and that is very likely what I became, or what they saw me becoming. That is weakness from me, and their love for me, would easily turn them from me. They know I don't want that any more than they do. How do I stop this from happening again? That's a good question, it would be hard for me to stand up to anything without preference, but maybe trying not to make excuses for the needs of others would be a start.
Yesterday a friend of mine called up to get a ride to pick up some medication from the Walgreen's, I didn't want to do it. There was no reason for me not wanting to do it I just didn't. I did do it though, I made excuses and allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it, he is a friend in need but the exchanges we have are very one sided and I give a lot. That may have happened with both of these women also, it is possible that I was not giving as much as I had and started to demand more.
This is hard work being a responsible adult.
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