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Friday, December 18, 2015

Who Do I Share With?

The big question I have now, no longer being deeply connected with someone on a regular basis, is; What do I do with all of this information about my daily life.

I am sure it is normal when going through a break up, if you were sharing a lot. Well, my best friend and I shared, or at least I shared, I can only guess that she did also but I can not say for certain, that is something only she has access to.

Funny story about my sharing, I like the tea Constant Comment, and that was a nickname she called me, "Constant Comment Garcia." I hope is wasn't a negative nickname, and I don't believe it was, but you never know. Actually when it came to them both, her and my ex-girlfriend of 9 years, we had little inside jokes among us about that exact tea. For my friend it was the "Constant Comment Garcia", and for my ex it was "Church Lady Tea."

I feel odd about comparing the two of these women so closely, but the respect I had for them was very similar.

I am writing this, not to understand my relationships, but to understand what I feel I am lacking. both of these women had it, I am sure of that. These women, just being in their presence mad me feel much more capable. That being said, I may have wanted to fill that which they filled in me, in them, in a way that was more physical or articulate.

When talking to my friend about my ex once I said "We were a team, one of us supports while the other takes over the world," in response she asked who was taking over the world, and without missing a beat I told her it was my ex. I had no intentions of taking over the world, but to support the women who would. That is how I feel, again this touches on me not having preference, and I am definitely not done with that Pandora's box, but not right now.

So how can I turn all this onto myself, how can I support myself, well without preference it will be kind of difficult, seeing as I have nothing to support. And why would anyone stick around and praise the support. A house either integrates the support into itself or uses the support until it is built up enough to no longer need it. So now, obviously, the people I support have built themselves up enough to no longer need me and I am here standing in the middle of nowhere supporting nothing.

Who am I? Why do I not see what I can be supporting in myself, does this all stem to my inability to have a preference?

I feel like I am groping in the world, trying to support something, I want someone to define what it is I need in my life. I am embarrassed to say that, although I have wanted a pet for a long time it was me seeing my friend's cat, and her interactions with it, that made it happen for me. Sure I love my cat, but I have noticed a bit of indifference creep in. That is how crazy I am. Also I am doing Air B&B, and sure I am good at it and people like to stay here but I don't care about it, deeply. There is a lot to consider these days, and without preference how do I go about considering them at all.

I am worth supporting, for sure. I know this, it is the basis of my life. After my girlfriend left me a dear friend of mine told me, "You will always be Marty, no matter what. She was able to be someone else because of you, but you are YOU." That made me feel real good. It said that no matter what, I was me (obviously). That is a real awakening thought. no matter who I was with, or where I spent my energy, I was going to be me. I would change over time, but not for someone, or because of someone other than myself.

Who am I today? I am me. That is the same me I was before only older. and yes my ex and my Friend both influenced me, and I hope I influenced them also, because I love and respect them and to not have their love and respect would crush me.

Why? Why does what they think of me matter so much to me? Again does that make me weak, well maybe.

It is lonely to not have that one close friend that I can share with. little triumphs and struggles, feeling and indifference, it all means so much more with someone. I am writing this all out so I can work out for myself what is here inside me to support making it impossible to ever need another lover, but I don't think I can live forever without a best friend, I have too much to share.

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