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Sunday, December 20, 2015

OMG I Think I Understand

So I had a realization an hour ago or so. I am the brother of a strong woman 11 months older than me. She is traditionally financially successful. She was, and probably still could be, very athletic. Actually, in all the ways we graded or judged children in the 70's and 80's, she bested me. I remember a time where I yelled "I can't even draw a straight line" insinuating that she was so much better than I was in every way.

When I came home from the hospital as a newborn, my sister, an 11 month old, handed me her bottle and never again drank from a bottle. This was my first interaction with a strong woman. That must have made quite an impression because strong women have been telling me where to be and what I wanted my entire life. I mean, again, I was happy to be in the shadow of my sister, growing up I had no choice, we went to gymnastics meets, where I would entertain myself, maybe talk to people or just sit quietly. I never dictated where we would go or what we would do, only what I would do. Asking others to do what I did was really a burden to me, still is.

To be honest I don't know what I want but I find it along the way. Maybe that is okay, but I do want to hold onto the strong women that enter into my life. It's no wonder these women leave feeling like I am suffocating them, no one said that, but I can imagine that is how it feels. From where I stand I can honestly say I don't know how to know what I want. I am flexible and easygoing some might say. But how can I find my preference?

This makes a lot of sense, but what do I do with that information?

Well lets continue to look at my preference evolution and where it has been real detrimental.

I love making art but I don't have the same drive and I am not always so inspired to make it as I see in people that I think are really artists deep down. This is some hard work to do by the way. To look at the last 20 years of my life and tell myself I was wrong, that's not easy. Also to remember how "right" thought I was to be making in that way. This is not scary though, I have a deep sense of calm about me, I know that I am being held and that I am loved. Everything is perfect.

Now, that production work I was doing and loved so much. It could have all be a rouse to get me where I am today, and; if so? That is great! I love it here. I am on the brink of connecting and I got there by really being critical of my own place, my mind, and how it looks at the world through my own inner dialogue. My production work got me in front of people, and I don't mean on the internet, I mean it got me interviewing people and that was what was great about that work. I got to connect and really effect, and be effected, by others, that is really living.

I am tingling inside, there are changes afoot.

My life is so freaking amazing, and this new realization that all things are possible is because of what someone else did. That is why it is great to be around people that you love, deeply. That love is such a road sign, sure I will be hurt, but if I take that hurt as a challenge to understand why I hurt, and not rely on blame to explain it away I can achieve so much more.

The hugely ironic thing about all of this writing and processing is that I am doing it because my sister requested I process it this way. I had no intention of processing it through writing, again I listened to this strong women, acted and was lead to where, I think, I needed to go. It is not easy to be here though because now I have the responsibility to actually do this right. I could just shun all the strong women in my life, or I could get loud and be one of those people who is hell bent on others not telling them what to do, both of the women that left me are these types of people, but that is not what I want to do. I want to do this healthily, if that is possible. now that I know this is an issue I have to start to hone my voice, seek it out, seek out preference, and look for those places that I am making assumptions on what I want by what I had learned from others.

This is a real challenge as I see it. I have to sort through so much now that I have, what I believe, is a source of my lack of preference. I have for years counted on others to show me preference and I have only been attracted to those women that can provide me with preference. Hence that attraction to strong and vocal women. Both of the women that I have counted on over the past 10 years for help in this area were survivors, women that have chose to fight for a voice they were not inherently given due to the households they grew up in. That makes so much sense to me now that I know what I have been subconsciously looking for, or lacking.

My challenge is to figure out how I like things or how to figure out what I like, so much seemed so fine for so long. I felt like I had a handle on things by allowing others to dictate but I can see now that it is not about dictating it is about having a voice. I don't have to dictate what others do but I do need to make a decision about what I do. Saying "no" is not about refusing, it is about choosing. I think when I figure these things out I will be more able to be in touch with, and love, myself. "Choosing" will help me love myself becasue I will better define myself. I am glad I am learning this late in life becaseu I have a lot of the other things kind of sorted to where I am comfortable with them, although it will be difficult I am happy to be here.

There is no easy way through this though, it will be a day to day thing that will exist through trial and error. I am already looking for opportunities to express my desires and needs. I have a voice and I want to use it, I will become more attractive this way, to myself and to others. I can not fear becoming and asshole, nor do I think it is necessary because I am not an asshole, that will inherently guide me to that which I am.

Wow our brains and bodies are amazing aren't they? I had an issue that I was not even aware of, of course I knew I didn't have preference, people remarked on that my entire life. I laughed it off thinking it was a good thing, and it was, for a time. I am attracted to thinking that no preference is the best, but I see now that without preference how do I live and with what drive amI proceeding forward? There is so much to learn about preference that I have never explored and it is now just a playground for me. Luckily I have done this sort of thinking before with many parts of my personality, thinking and actions. So much of those things though were guided by, influenced by, and dictated by strong women, and how lucky I was to have them. may life started with my sister and mother doing the dictating. It is no wonder I am as loyal as I am and the feelings of illness that centered around my father when I was younger probably have a lot to do with that. Why would I listen to my father when I already was devoutly listening to my mom? I was afraid of my dad, and who knows if I had conflicting feeling about him or not, I am sure this preference issue is not the only one I carry with me.

I can count the women that guided me throughout my life, all strong, not all of them were lovers but they all had strict rules they lived by, and for me to adopt a new set of rules was never difficult, I lived by my own set and they never had to do with anyone else so I never had a need to have others share them with me although I would adopt the rules of my guides fairly easily. Actually one of the girlfriends along my path had a last name that meant "guide," go figure.

This is really amazing and I am so excited to know that this is something that I can let go of. I can take control now, there was so much fear around this, I can be my own friend now, I can love myself more now it is opening up all sort of thoughts. I do not have to be something I am not, that is totally new. I do not have to play a game. I have always been open, and wholly myself, when interacting with others, but there was a part of me that not only was pliable, because I think flexibility is still important, was looking to be shaped by others. I do want to shape that myself and be strong within myself, that has been a preference for a long time and I am excited to get to a point where I can have a strong women friend and not only be myself but voice myself and actually feel that I do not want to take part in something so I don't, sounds easy, but I am sure that will be some work for me.

Okay so I am going to end this post with just some thoughts I have about moving forward with this new information.

  • I will be alone so as to be obliged only to myself 
  • I will say "no" where and when it is necessary 
  • I will not allow habit dictate my actions
  • I will be aware of my own loneliness, and when I feel that way I will talk to myself, offering companionship and love 
  • I will try new things, and things that I have dismissed, with no preconceived notion on whether I like them or not
  • I will listen to my inner dialogue about what I like and what I do not, what I want and what I do not
  • I will not openly, and continually, do things in which I say "I don't care, sure"
  • I am my new best friend I will build that relationship

There is probably more but I will keep this post short LOL, more processing to come

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