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Friday, December 18, 2015

Just Laying it All Out

The posts I have been putting up have been just me sorting through some of my recent pain at a loss of another amazing woman in my life, all to aid in me becoming a better person. I have no idea if it is working or not but I feel like a fool both in having the pain I am currently having as well as why I lost my friend in the first place.

Sure it wasn't my fault, but how can I see that without a voice, and, as was mentioned in previous posts, my voice is not present because I have no preference. This pain I am experiencing is not from "her" or anyone. It is me, the one place I hold preference is with who I choose to share my life with, and that is a great many people mind you. There are just some people that you connect with on a whole different level,and it seems that the connection I had with my friend was not the same as the one she had with me. And again I didn't do anything to disrespect her in any way, and she was clear about that, at least as far as I can recall.

I remember when my Girlfriend of 9 years left me, I didn't take a whole lot of time to sort through my feelings I just got on with it. Had it not been for my being diagnosed with MS I may still be just getting on with it. but here I am holding the bag and with nothing to do but really look at it all and see what I need to do to meet the challenge being presented to me. Sure, I am sad because of what I perceive I have lost, but it doesn't control me.

The losses I feel are deep, because with her I rested my preference, which in turn held my superficial feeling about myself. To see that is important. Day to day I would feel drastically different because I wasn't fully in control of what I was feeling, I was more interested in what this woman thought, and she probably didn't think about me much. So how productive was that?

I do need to find where my day to day superficial acceptance of myself is, I deeply love myself but when others come into my life that know what they want right now, it is an injection of energy. I want that, it resides in me, but I, for whatever reason, am not in touch with it. So that is another reason I am laying this all out for myself, to see what work I need to do to get myself back to oneness. To be the God I know I am.

All of this reflection, brought on by pain I am causing myself after a friend makes a decision for her own life, makes me look at myself and the places where I hold shame, or disappointment in myself. Of course in my mind these thoughts are brought about with the aid of the person, or thing, that allowed me to hurt myself (are you following? that is a difficult one) in short I am the cause of my pain, but using someone else to bring up judgment of myself which I will look at. The judgment that I am feeling abut myself is a telltale sign that there are changes that I want to make within me. The reason I know that is that I am here judging myself, through someone else who has never express judgment toward me at all, these thoughts are coming from somewhere, they are coming from me.

It is important to note that I do not use the word "should" when talking to myself, I replace it, and have done this for over a decade now, with "Want" or "Don't Want," that makes things a whole lot easier to understand for me. I don't believe I "should" do anything, I look inside and figure out what I want to do, and that is how I do. Again without a preference it is not always easy to know what I want to do but that doesn't stop me. If I don't know what I want to do I might just sit in the dark and just be there, until a time comes where I am being and doing something, those are great days.

I had an easy way of knowing what to do there for a while, I would just phone my friend and we would have dinner, laugh and play cards. It was easy, maybe too easy. Now I hurt at the loss of the ease of the friendship, and all that it served in my life.

I am going to get back the the topic of me judging myself and the things that I am looking at changing shortly but I am intrigued with the combination of things going on here. All pointing at me and the places I need to grow and, as I see it, mature.

One place I need to grow is knowing "Click Bait" when I see it, and sending out "Click Bait" when I am hurting. I see this as when, in a friendship or relationship, I test the water, or the water is being tested with me, within a text or an email. I have to remember that if I am sending a message that requires a response I want to be honest that I am not pressuring the person I love to give me the response I want to hear, and if I am feeling needy that is not the responsibility of any one other person. I have a lot of friends and I would like to utilize them all constantly, not just when it suits, or is convenient. They love me as I love them, it is mutual. Now if I can only love myself as much as I love them, things would be sitting pretty. This is tough because it also requires me to care for myself and take myself out on dates, to distract myself from others because I am important to me. But, and this goes back to the judgment thing, if the time I spent with myself is in judgment well... Would I want to be in a relationship with someone that judged me every day? No. So why am I judging myself, I want to see myself as being my soul mate, because I am. Now start to treat myself like that.

On the whole Click Bait issue, if I am aware of the answer I want when sending a text that I would consider Click Bait, I want to be aware enough to  not send it in the first place and love myself enough to provide myself with the answer I want, without needing the approval of the other. This is mastery of self.

That kind of smothering of another person is unnecessary. Again I look at the maturity of it. I love myself more than that too, more than to be in any real pain about the loss of my friend. I know that we are connected, I also know that I am connected, and will be forever, with my ex-girlfriend We may never talk again but we share space in this universe, and that's not just wishful thinking. I am a powerful being, and I love extremely openly, so there is no need to feel sad, because I know that life gives me what I need and I am a good listener to life, as I was once told by a women I love dearly.

Too bad there is pain attached to it, but good I say, I loved her and she is no longer here, I once again build her ego. That is something I feel a fool about, and have felt a fool about within our friendship/relationship. It is not hard to see why she had to get away. I was telling myself a lot of stories during our friendship/relationship (If you are not following I am talking about both women here) and never left room for her to come to me. When I felt lonely I reached out, it was that easy, too easy.

Because I was doing the reaching out , I was the one that needed, I was weak. Not in reality but in the situation you understand. So by inflating the egos of the women I loved, I was inadvertently deflating mine. It was a maddening cycle, of my needs being more and more intense and my ability to not reach out less and less likely to happen. This is the point I started sending that "Click bait." I was asking for approval, why did I need approval because I was constantly getting it, time and time again I would reach out, and until it is too much it is fine, but when it becomes too much, it is sad. I understand that and again I am happy for these women to have seen that and stood up to it. My only hope is they do not think I am a sad person. its a tough one really, because in thinking that in the first place I am putting stock in what they think, while all I want is to put more stock into what I think, another mind fuck.

I don't know if this goes hand in hand with anything I had experienced as a child. but the one thing those strong women have is a sense of being too needy, and that is very likely what I became, or what they saw me becoming. That is weakness from me, and their love for me, would easily turn them from me. They know I don't want that any more than they do. How do I stop this from happening again? That's a good question, it would be hard for me to stand up to anything without preference, but maybe trying not to make excuses for the needs of others would be a start.

Yesterday a friend of mine called up to get a ride to pick up some medication from the Walgreen's, I didn't want to do it. There was no reason for me not wanting to do it I just didn't. I did do it though, I made excuses and allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it, he is a friend in need but the exchanges we have are very one sided and I give a lot. That may have happened with both of these women also, it is possible that I was not giving as much as I had and started to demand more.

This is hard work being a responsible adult.

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