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Monday, December 21, 2015

The White Knight

So I am no angel. I have fantasies about being that white knight that shows up at the most opportune times and having all that I need to solve the problem of a women, preferably a strong one. Even saying those words makes my chest puffs a bit, but that's natural is my guess. As an animal I want to be that for someone and it has to be okay for me to have those fantasies. Although there is  a bit of shame attached to it.

I have been that person before but I notice, in thinking back, that there were times I tried to be the Knight and really just messed things up and said "I am only trying to help." That couldn't be further from the truth. What would be more appropriate for me to say would be "I am trying to look good in front of you by assuming I know what you need." I actually learned not to do this a long time ago when my girlfriend of 9 years left me, and although there were more lessons for me to learn, that was a good one.

Being the Knight has everything to do with my ego and nothing to do with me.  While driving today I had the thought of rescuing my friend who would be pulled over on the side of the road. There was nothing real about that imagined scenario, and if the fates had planned something like that to take place, it would without me thinking I am some superhero "Johnny on the Spot."

I was doing some things for myself today, I was out on a walk last night and tore my jacket, it was a Patagonia, so I just took it in to the store today to get it repaired. I felt, because I was out, I might as well look around on the Magnificent Mile because I never get down there and I have been looking for preference as of late. I was really happy with myself, I tried on a $1200 pair of shoes that I have been coveting for over a year now and I took myself out for a hot cocoa where I innocently flirted with a woman after her and her friend asked for directions.

That flirting may have caused my to feel a little ego boost which could have, in turn, caused me to have the White Knight daydreams. Either way I am not a White Knight, and I have no interest in being one. Stopping the daydreams is not necessary though, allowing them is important but, I do not want to build on them. This is how I think about all of my thoughts, I am going to have them, but when I start actively building them, and making them conversations and scripting actions, it gets to be too much. I try to just let the thoughts slip through me just recognize them and let them go.

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