Reactions Are Reflections

There are so many things we react to, each and every one can be learned from. Of course if we attempt to learn from every reaction we have we won't have time for anything else so lets start with the big ones.

When I get angry it is a clear sign that I am not in balance and some work needs to be done. I often hear people tell me "This" or "That" thing or person "makes me angry," and I see how that can feel and seem, especially in today's world. What I want to cover is that it isn't the person, their actions or the thing that is actually making you angry, it is you, and your imbalances. I am sorry to break it to you.

When an experience comes my way in which I react with anger I first have to separate anger from what it is I might be blaming the anger on. It is not the guy who cut me off, it is not my boss telling me to rework some nonsense, or the kids who picked my pocket but it is only anger, and when I can see the emotion for what it is, not judge those the brought it about in me, I can examine it. In examining the emotions, and the circumstances that brought it about, I am in a better position to learn and move on.

Anger comes about for a lot of reasons, it is often an emotion that we use to cover up other emotions, it's retaliatory. I hear people say "I have the right to be angry" and although they are right, anger is probably not what they are feeling. I say this because, just by saying "I have the right to..." they are justifying. That statement also presupposes that there is another observer which could be the self, the one that wants to do the work of healing. Here, the speaker is just looking for permission to be angry because if they were not angry they might have to admit they are not balanced. For myself this is 100% the case, and I actively work at understanding myself enough to accept that anger is needing more balance.

Once, in my early 20's, I got so angry and slammed a heavy wooden door, it crushed and mostly severed the tip of one of my fingers. After they put my fingertip back together, for months, I couldn't help but look at how one split second change my life forever, because my finger would never be the same again, and it was all because I was angry. I don''t remember what set me off but as soon as my finger was just hanging there, whatever it was that made me angry just didn't matter anymore.

We permit ourselves to be angry for all sorts of reasons. I usually see people being angry to cover up a sense of weakness. This is associated with shame, fear, and inadequacy which can really go into that shame category, and probably a whole host of other deep seeded issues that these emotions direct us to address. Unfortunately we don't have the kind of culture that values this sort of work.

In the US we value wealth, greed and strength. All of which are also used to cover up the chasms that exist within us. Greed is fear, plain and simple. Wealth, although often disguised as a way to help others, is used to eliminate the need for faith in others and close relationships. Strength and perseverance are rewarded over weakness, but without weakness we cannot learn the true meaning of strength. We not only have lost our way as a country, or world, being lost has become the ideal lifestyle somehow, it is praised, it is valued over all else.

Because the value system is so off kilter we can't be expected to learn how to be what we are meant to be. Only a small number of people will be truly geared to excel in the world as it has been built by a small number of Europeans. That is not to say we don't all have a purpose or a way to excel in the world as it is, it just might be a bit more uncomfortable for others than the few that can just pick it up and run with it, a case for not comparing ourselves to others, but we still do. When we compare we compete, it is part of that world created by that small number of Europeans.

Competing is about seeing where you fit in some linear scale. It reinforces the idea that some belong and some don't. When we do not measure up we feel shame, to counteract that we find those that measure up even less. This is not hate, it's fear. This is not people acting as they are truly but acting as they have been taught, they have learned they will be rewarded for being stronger. They are innocent, and have never learned to reflect.

When we reflect it is our just to take the steps to be more in accord to our true nature, there is nothing to read because no one has your answer other than you. The faith you show in yourself is due to your knowing that however you react to what the universe is showing you is a message from that unique inner voice that is in concert with all the billions of other unique voices, none of any importance but the world would not be that same without.

Looking Inward to Connect with the World

In a world that is increasingly “all up in your shit” it is important to take a step away from it all. We are bombarded by solutions to problems that don’t exist. We are constantly creating problems and deteriorating the pillars that we rely on to sustain some semblance of connection to one another and all that is. We find ourselves papering over the cracks in a home that what made for us specifically.

Social media, politics, poverty, food, air, human rights, everything that surrounds us deserves our attention. So where do we place it. How is gun violence or rights more important to some than poverty, and why is local poverty more important to others than global. Are these problems solvable? Are they someone’s responsibility?

What about the arts? Entertainment? What about all those things that are telling us what we need? Are nonprofits truly helping others? How can we know? Honesty, with the US presidency on the block these days there seems to be an acceptance to allow people to act like children and fear monger for votes, Trump directly and Clinton by scaring people against Trump. It is a real mess. So where do solutions exist? How do we take the concerns of everyone and move forward?

I think people are increasingly getting sick of being told what to do, what to think and how to live. I know I am. I much prefer to love everyone around me and I have found that doing that opens me up to love myself that much more. Trusting my path is not easy, but it is essential. I practice being honest every day, I look at my bais and try to locate its source. I watch myself feel fear, anger, and shame, when they arise I look to what caused it and it is often that I want something from myself that I do not know how to give myself. I use that to explore what I lack internally.

How does that help the world, is it not selfish? I do not think so, I see it as healthy.

We are all one. I don’t think that statement can be argued by too many people, and if does cause an argument is not worth engaging in. So if we are all one then we are part of a singular consciousness which is us. When we have a focus, drive, desire, inkling or thought, it is coming from us individually and as a whole. There is too much wrangling thought because of “reality” or “being realistic.”

Life is in front of us and we can fight it or enter it with passion and trust. When we feel the need to fight, we fight, but that doesn’t mean our opposition is wrong, it just means we were both looking for a fight. Of course this may seem to only work when everyone is on the same page and moving toward a goal of being totally honest with a love for themselves and the world, but I think it can be an uneven struggle as it is today. Sometimes we lose lives of those that are honest, those are hard lost battles on the forefront of our consciousness, I am grateful for the press that those have been receiving as of late, but know that there are struggles that you will never hear about. Keep those in your heart as well.

Be honest, not blind, Susan Sarandon said “People are awake” in an interview the other day and she is right. The more people that wake up the more they will inspire to wake up. I want to connect and help those that are beginning to wake up to take a hard look at themselves, honestly. There is very little that can be done when we look outward and judge without looking inward with love.

Home is Not A House

...but I sure want it to be.

Okay, one thing I have spoken about recently are the ladies that are not talking to me. They both have their own home, and they have had them since they were as old as 31. This seems normal in today's world I guess, but here I am 40 with no savings and no prospects of getting a home. I mean sure by the end of the month I could have one although I have no realistic way of describing what events would take place to make that happen. The homes they have are also both in Chicago. One of them was born in Chicago but grew up in the suburbs, that is all okay but I have felt pushed out of the city, and these two women have hunkered right in.

All I am saying is I want a home. I chose the arts as a career, and not the academic arts either. I am working on changing my relationship with money, have been for some time but that is deep seeded and with the added struggle of having other people dictate my life for 40 years it might take a little more time.

I feel like a complete loser. I am the "no job brother-in-law", the brother and son that needs to be carried. the friend these women must have only felt sorry for. I can't imagine what I am thought of, I guess it doesn't matter and I am getting a little emotional but I guess it is time to settle in and just ... i don't know what to do there has to be an answer, I mean I am white with a Hispanic last name, well educated and spoken, without the degree but personable and all that, there should be no problem with me getting a job that pays well, but still no house, fuck, no interviews for jobs I know I can do.

I asked my Ex if there was anything open at the company she works at and I didn't even get a response from her, although she is telling people I know there are openings they can apply for. I must be thick.

I live in a linoleum basement apartment, I hate it here. I have risked it all and still I have not done enough, I know what doesn't' work now I guess its onto something new yet again. n\No one I know has gotten a home by trying new things.