In my practice I see many people who are looking to deepen their self-reflective gaze in order to better understand themselves and how they interact with the world. Although everything in the universe happens for a reason and there are no coincidences, it is not always easy to see how we are related to it all. It is important it remember who we are at the time we are looking. That is not so easy to discern as many of us, I am sure, can attest to. My portrait process is special in that it allows the subject that unique ability to look at themselves from the outside, as the observer.
When I get to certain point in our sessions where I feel there has been a number of significant things shared, this can include deaths in the family, major triumphs or traumas, goals past and present, and a host of other sorts of interactions with the world whether they be in the past, future or present, I have a host of questions that could be asked. The one that I get great responses from is "What is your earliest memory?" It has been the case that knowing what the earliest memory is helps considerably with where conflicts between belief systems arise.
The earliest memory is interesting because I, personally, do not care if what they tell me is actually their earliest memory or not, what I care about is the memory that comes up. In my work what is perceive is way more important than what would be "fact," because that is the world in which they are living and creating, fact is usually just a perception from an outside source. We primarily live in a world built by faulty memories. Memories make up the world around us much more than the world around us does. Everything that is of the world is neutral, we define good/bad beautiful/ugly and so no. Nothing has a definition other than what it happens to be, and neither do we. People choose to be "something"
We choose to be angry, or happy. We choose to be grateful or greedy. It is easy to say the world and our surroundings made us who we are, and in effect you would be absolutely correct in saying that. On the other hand if you decided to choose differently you can change your situation, but it is not easy. When you do accomplish that change, and you say I made myself this way, again you would be correct in saying that. Neither of those statements, "The world made me" or "I made me" are true mind you, but you would be correct in making them.
The earliest memory question does a lot of things, first it allows the person being asked to say anything because I, as the facilitator, could never prove or disprove an answer. It also allows subconscious links to past memories on subjects that we are covering. We all have specific memories that are very important to us that, for whatever reason, are vivid and clear, but others involved in the memory don't recall at all. For my own health and self reflection, I take note at what I may have learned about myself or others, these have rarely been positive things. I feel that, for myself, if a memory lingers it is against my nature and may be a place that needs clearing. So many signs are stored inside us and it doesn't always, if ever,take a huge Ah-Ha moment to get beyond them, sometimes it just takes recognizing them and taking note when we give in to them.
It has seemed like everyone, when asked, has known their earliest memory prior to being asked it, but it always has ties to some of the biggest conflict areas in their current lives. Its a difficult task trying to figure out the brain and its relationship to the universe, which is why I do not question the answers I hear. They may only be the answer for the time I ask it, and that is fine, the is perfect actually, because then it is honest, and that is what facilitation requires.
What are some conflict areas you are sorting out? Put out there, like for myself I value what I do but I do not have a drive to exchange it for money but that is a must moving forward. now ask yourself what is your earliest memory, for me at the moment it seems to be my father no being home when I was a child. For me that shows that connecting with loved ones and money, my father was always "working," do not mix. For me to sort through that conflict is going to be important and to be sure I understand that I can just as easily connect with others while getting paid fairly as I do when I do not. I can also donate 1 full session to those who can not afford them for every full session I get paid for. This is in line with my desire to help and be open and available.
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Looking Inward to Connect with the World
In a world that is increasingly “all up in your shit” it is important to take a step away from it all. We are bombarded by solutions to problems that don’t exist. We are constantly creating problems and deteriorating the pillars that we rely on to sustain some semblance of connection to one another and all that is. We find ourselves papering over the cracks in a home that what made for us specifically.
Be honest, not blind, Susan Sarandon said “People are awake” in an interview the other day and she is right. The more people that wake up the more they will inspire to wake up. I want to connect and help those that are beginning to wake up to take a hard look at themselves, honestly. There is very little that can be done when we look outward and judge without looking inward with love.
Social media, politics, poverty, food, air, human rights, everything that surrounds us deserves our attention. So where do we place it. How is gun violence or rights more important to some than poverty, and why is local poverty more important to others than global. Are these problems solvable? Are they someone’s responsibility?
What about the arts? Entertainment? What about all those things that are telling us what we need? Are nonprofits truly helping others? How can we know? Honesty, with the US presidency on the block these days there seems to be an acceptance to allow people to act like children and fear monger for votes, Trump directly and Clinton by scaring people against Trump. It is a real mess. So where do solutions exist? How do we take the concerns of everyone and move forward?
I think people are increasingly getting sick of being told what to do, what to think and how to live. I know I am. I much prefer to love everyone around me and I have found that doing that opens me up to love myself that much more. Trusting my path is not easy, but it is essential. I practice being honest every day, I look at my bais and try to locate its source. I watch myself feel fear, anger, and shame, when they arise I look to what caused it and it is often that I want something from myself that I do not know how to give myself. I use that to explore what I lack internally.
How does that help the world, is it not selfish? I do not think so, I see it as healthy.
We are all one. I don’t think that statement can be argued by too many people, and if does cause an argument is not worth engaging in. So if we are all one then we are part of a singular consciousness which is us. When we have a focus, drive, desire, inkling or thought, it is coming from us individually and as a whole. There is too much wrangling thought because of “reality” or “being realistic.”
Life is in front of us and we can fight it or enter it with passion and trust. When we feel the need to fight, we fight, but that doesn’t mean our opposition is wrong, it just means we were both looking for a fight. Of course this may seem to only work when everyone is on the same page and moving toward a goal of being totally honest with a love for themselves and the world, but I think it can be an uneven struggle as it is today. Sometimes we lose lives of those that are honest, those are hard lost battles on the forefront of our consciousness, I am grateful for the press that those have been receiving as of late, but know that there are struggles that you will never hear about. Keep those in your heart as well.
Be honest, not blind, Susan Sarandon said “People are awake” in an interview the other day and she is right. The more people that wake up the more they will inspire to wake up. I want to connect and help those that are beginning to wake up to take a hard look at themselves, honestly. There is very little that can be done when we look outward and judge without looking inward with love.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
I Can Be A Strong Woman too
Okay we have seen over the past few days how entangled I am with strong women. It stared with my sister at 2 days old and continued bouncing from one strong women telling me whats what to another. There was only one time in my life that I chose to take the opportunity to figure out what I liked. I had a monthly checklist that read something like this...
Monthly Bombardment List
I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.
It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.
Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.
Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.
By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.
I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.
So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.
I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.
So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.
Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.
Monthly Bombardment List
- 4 music shows (at least: 1 jazz - 1 rock - 1 concert/classical)
- 2 theatrical performances
- 3 movies (at least: 1 foreign or documentary)
- 4 restaurants (American traditional does not count)
- 10 art openings/galleries
I called them bombardment nights because the idea was that I bombard myself with culture. Doing that, I would glean information, although it was nothing that I could articulate. It fed my spirit in a way that taught me lots of things.
It started by me wanting to understand Jazz more, I noticed that the more I listened that more I heard. I would have visions, or more like thoughts while they were playing. I would see stories, not linear ones but ideas would flow through me and I would feel creative just hearing it. That lead me to make my bombardment rules. As you can see by the list it was focused on the creative arts. I understand food very well, nothing surprises me really. Hip new restaurants? I never have a desire to even know about them.
Maybe I am just spoiled. Having grown up in Chicago I had access to all sorts of culture, and I am just not impressed. I want to be challenged, and very few things challenge the audience. Oh sure, theater does what it can, but for me it often falls flat. maybe because all story is the same. I have seen it, bombarded myself with it, and now I can only see my experience with it. That is something I can have anywhere, your lessons are lost on me because, like anyone with a message, it is shallow and often based on the false memories of the creator. Another reason I am having trouble making art these days. That is not true of every art-form, or every artist, but many are a bit egotistical and create from that place, which is lonely and dark. Other artists, who don't get enough attention to build ego, can easily become jaded and make from a different dishonest place. Can I see this? Arrogantly I say yes Can I prove it? Honestly I say no.
Well that was the only time I tried to know what I liked and found I kind of liked it all, and didn't like any of it somehow. It was all equal. By bombarding myself with so much variety, I became okay with change, I saw nothing special about things that were around for 20 years closing down. I would see myself making a big deal about it when a certain restaurant would close, most memorable Toot's a place I would drive miles to go have a milkshake at, but I realized it didn't matter what I felt, it was going. I found out the owners didn't care, they were just done; I loved that. Toot's didn't matter, me and my feeling didn't matter, it was just a place that would go one day, or grow and never be the same. That is what places do. I disengaged from any emotional attachment, or sentimentality I wanted to have toward its closing, and noticed there was nothing. It was perfect, everything was.
By that time I was with my 9 year love, and I was able to see her feelings and enjoy them for what they were, I had no need to tell her anything about her feelings, when she wanted to go there one last time, I agreed, although it was closed by then, so we engaged in a bit of a "Aww that sucks" moment. but we moved on.
I am not sure what all that has to do with strong women but hell, I do love a good milkshake on occasion, although I have not had one in years.
So now I have a personal mandate to let go of strong women BUT, holy hell you're gonna get a kick out of this, I just engaged in a project with my sister that may last a long time. The plans for this were set before I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, but here I am about to possibly make the most money I have in my life and I am torn about proceeding. The work is a challenge and I am open to that always. But here again a woman is dictating what I should be doing. I have a lot of arguments why its good idea to move forward with it all, and I am going to, but I know I am conceding power in my life again. If I can keep this in mind and keep it in check, meaning I need to be challenged and NOT go running to be comforted by my sister, or another strong woman in my life, I think I will be fine and still able to grow the strength I am looking for.
I like to live in the present and if I can do this work, and figure out my own, maybe build some capital, enough to buy a home, then I can breathe a little easier. Figure things out from a better place. Sure I am choosing to do this work but it was presented to me by one of my strong women, and being weak when it comes to the requests of strong women, it was not something I could refuse. I also know I have a problem that needs solving, and that is good work too. I am grateful for this opportunity and challenge.
So now I look forward, entangled with a strong women and looking to define and strengthen myself, I do this with open eyes, here to learn about how to be that which I see in the strong women I surround myself with. It is too bad the strongest leave my side, but I can be a strong women too.
Here is something I found, and only read the list no the explanations. but if you like strong women also it might be good to go over this list.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Taking What I Want
I realize now that I have not been super clear in any way about what I want. Not with women, not with food, entertainment, my time, nothing. I fell for two women in my life, but everyone else was just convenient or easy.
Of the two women I fell for I dealt with them the same way, I addressed my attraction to them verbally, which I feel is respectful and a good way to breech the subject. As a sober person I have never overstepped my bound with others.Which again might be a good thing, but to be able to see what you"want" (and I put that in quotes because I have only really wanted 2 women thus far in my life, but how many women I may "want" is immeasurable) and take it ,holds a lot of lessons, lessons I may not need.
There has been, for a long time, the idea that I be celibate, but I am never quit sure if that is because I do not get sexual offers, or if it is is something I really want. Not getting offered, and I am not talking about a women just looking to fuck me, I mean women do not express interest in me very often at all, is a shot to the ego. I have been known, by me alone because I do not share this publicly, to feel like women do not find me attractive. This is crazy because I think I am a sexy man. I am fit and intelligent and well rounded, kind but firm when its needed. I also have had an expansive and exploratory sex life when it is active. All that doesn't mean much when I am looking to feel attractive and not getting much interest, or attention, on the physical side from women.
I have a lot of great relationships that, when I was younger, I would have traded for a few sexual experiences, but that's not true today. Today I see that my friendships are more important, even with those women that I am attracted to. I express to them that they are beautiful, but those words have not really been returned and that is hard to examine sometimes. Deep down I wish I knew for a fact if my friend, the one that took leave of our friendship, found me attractive or desired me at all. I want to be found attractive, sexy and desirable. Maybe it is because I am a man that does not act. Were I to act maybe there would be sentiment returned to me but at what cost? and what would happen if a woman did express that she found me attractive? I may use that information to feel better about myself and not be the man that I think has a great deal of integrity.
Celibacy, it is not easy to make that decision, although making that decision might be easier for me, at least for the time being. The thought crosses my mind and I can't help but think about how attractive I am these days and think I will lose that in time. That reads as not having the opportunities that may present themselves today that one day won't.
This brings up my gambling issues, I am the type of man who chases his money. When I had suffered a loss at the track it was not uncommon for me to hit the casino afterward to attempt to win that money back. It was the same thing I experience with alcohol, drugs, and tobacco, its a beast. I have rejected women who have come onto me in the past, mostly when I was committed to another; I love commitment in a relationship although I have learned I do not want to expect the other person to have those same feelings. It is a crazy thing, chasing my money, but it is not about having the thing I am chasing, it is all about missing the opportunity to having now that which I may want to have someday. One day I will want to have sex and if I am being offered an open door to it I, when I was younger, may have just jumped at the opportunity. Mind you I am not someone who takes advantage of others that are high or drunk, that, to me, is not real nice and I would not feel good about that at all. The times women have made passes at me they were drunk so its no prize to win that.
I want to consider celibacy, but I want to be sure it is rightfully chosen. If I were to choose that and use it to attract women; because we all know people want what they cannot have, it would be dishonest and a manipulation tactic, I am not that guy at all. I have to know I can say no, and I do not know this, nor might I ever. Because of this, I can not say that I am choosing celibacy, I happen to be celibate at the moment because I do not have any options for being sexually active. Things like Tinder I find do not entice me unless I am feeling extremely lonely or horny, which happens, but I have still never made an account.
I do enjoy flirting and getting that ego boost, I sometimes flirt and then fantasize briefly but that is as far as it goes, now if it were to go further would I, if I chose celibacy, be able to not go to the inevitable end. I would definitely have the power in all of those interactions, that is if I were able to make that decision. As a man I wouldn't have to be putting myself in danger by making this decision either, whereas a straight women very well might because it can be a dangerous thing to tell a man no.
I never did want to take that which I shallowly wanted. That is a great guide for me but with all of my looking to others for approval or permission it is not easy to make that decision, I don't know if you noticed but sex has an overwhelming majority of fans out there. Making the choice to be celibate is kind of a big one, and one that I would be proud of, although nobody would know it, who do you talk about your sexual life with? Nobody new that's for sure, a few friends maybe, I don't even think my family would know, I would just make that decision. Now of course that decision could change over time, but it has to be a choice I make, and one I make to love myself more. It is not a decision that has rules associate with it, I am not making a pact with anyone, this would just help me have closer friendships with women and allow me to let go of sexual thought all together.
I am having dinner tonight with a friend, he asked me where I want to go and I can not decided although I am using this as an opportunity to make a decision, any decision. I have to say it is difficult because I really don't care, but I want to care. It feels a bit stressful but I am gong to choose and I am going to be flexible, so if he want to go somewhere else I will be open to it but I have to start off this new life of learning what I want on the right foot, I will make a choice and it will be perfect. I had no idea this was going to be this difficult and scary, I almost want to cry over choosing a place, how crazy is that? Take that into account when thinking about me choosing celibacy.
All of these writing are happening because I am sorting through a lot and writing it out is great, I don't expect anyone to read it but if you have I hope you are inspired to look at those things in your life that stop you from being the best you that this world needs. I love you.
Of the two women I fell for I dealt with them the same way, I addressed my attraction to them verbally, which I feel is respectful and a good way to breech the subject. As a sober person I have never overstepped my bound with others.Which again might be a good thing, but to be able to see what you"want" (and I put that in quotes because I have only really wanted 2 women thus far in my life, but how many women I may "want" is immeasurable) and take it ,holds a lot of lessons, lessons I may not need.
There has been, for a long time, the idea that I be celibate, but I am never quit sure if that is because I do not get sexual offers, or if it is is something I really want. Not getting offered, and I am not talking about a women just looking to fuck me, I mean women do not express interest in me very often at all, is a shot to the ego. I have been known, by me alone because I do not share this publicly, to feel like women do not find me attractive. This is crazy because I think I am a sexy man. I am fit and intelligent and well rounded, kind but firm when its needed. I also have had an expansive and exploratory sex life when it is active. All that doesn't mean much when I am looking to feel attractive and not getting much interest, or attention, on the physical side from women.
I have a lot of great relationships that, when I was younger, I would have traded for a few sexual experiences, but that's not true today. Today I see that my friendships are more important, even with those women that I am attracted to. I express to them that they are beautiful, but those words have not really been returned and that is hard to examine sometimes. Deep down I wish I knew for a fact if my friend, the one that took leave of our friendship, found me attractive or desired me at all. I want to be found attractive, sexy and desirable. Maybe it is because I am a man that does not act. Were I to act maybe there would be sentiment returned to me but at what cost? and what would happen if a woman did express that she found me attractive? I may use that information to feel better about myself and not be the man that I think has a great deal of integrity.
Celibacy, it is not easy to make that decision, although making that decision might be easier for me, at least for the time being. The thought crosses my mind and I can't help but think about how attractive I am these days and think I will lose that in time. That reads as not having the opportunities that may present themselves today that one day won't.
This brings up my gambling issues, I am the type of man who chases his money. When I had suffered a loss at the track it was not uncommon for me to hit the casino afterward to attempt to win that money back. It was the same thing I experience with alcohol, drugs, and tobacco, its a beast. I have rejected women who have come onto me in the past, mostly when I was committed to another; I love commitment in a relationship although I have learned I do not want to expect the other person to have those same feelings. It is a crazy thing, chasing my money, but it is not about having the thing I am chasing, it is all about missing the opportunity to having now that which I may want to have someday. One day I will want to have sex and if I am being offered an open door to it I, when I was younger, may have just jumped at the opportunity. Mind you I am not someone who takes advantage of others that are high or drunk, that, to me, is not real nice and I would not feel good about that at all. The times women have made passes at me they were drunk so its no prize to win that.
I want to consider celibacy, but I want to be sure it is rightfully chosen. If I were to choose that and use it to attract women; because we all know people want what they cannot have, it would be dishonest and a manipulation tactic, I am not that guy at all. I have to know I can say no, and I do not know this, nor might I ever. Because of this, I can not say that I am choosing celibacy, I happen to be celibate at the moment because I do not have any options for being sexually active. Things like Tinder I find do not entice me unless I am feeling extremely lonely or horny, which happens, but I have still never made an account.
I do enjoy flirting and getting that ego boost, I sometimes flirt and then fantasize briefly but that is as far as it goes, now if it were to go further would I, if I chose celibacy, be able to not go to the inevitable end. I would definitely have the power in all of those interactions, that is if I were able to make that decision. As a man I wouldn't have to be putting myself in danger by making this decision either, whereas a straight women very well might because it can be a dangerous thing to tell a man no.
I never did want to take that which I shallowly wanted. That is a great guide for me but with all of my looking to others for approval or permission it is not easy to make that decision, I don't know if you noticed but sex has an overwhelming majority of fans out there. Making the choice to be celibate is kind of a big one, and one that I would be proud of, although nobody would know it, who do you talk about your sexual life with? Nobody new that's for sure, a few friends maybe, I don't even think my family would know, I would just make that decision. Now of course that decision could change over time, but it has to be a choice I make, and one I make to love myself more. It is not a decision that has rules associate with it, I am not making a pact with anyone, this would just help me have closer friendships with women and allow me to let go of sexual thought all together.
I am having dinner tonight with a friend, he asked me where I want to go and I can not decided although I am using this as an opportunity to make a decision, any decision. I have to say it is difficult because I really don't care, but I want to care. It feels a bit stressful but I am gong to choose and I am going to be flexible, so if he want to go somewhere else I will be open to it but I have to start off this new life of learning what I want on the right foot, I will make a choice and it will be perfect. I had no idea this was going to be this difficult and scary, I almost want to cry over choosing a place, how crazy is that? Take that into account when thinking about me choosing celibacy.
All of these writing are happening because I am sorting through a lot and writing it out is great, I don't expect anyone to read it but if you have I hope you are inspired to look at those things in your life that stop you from being the best you that this world needs. I love you.
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