We didn't solve anything but it was good to say these things out loud, to talk about preference and how I prefer to be with certain people rather than do certain things. She brought up the problem of not having an opinion, and addressed that as a bad thing. I went blank and was not sure at that point what an opinion was for some reason, I just responded "Is it?" Referring to her comment that not having an opinion is bad.
That was an interesting response that came out of me, I didn't really process it until after I said it, but there is a feeling that having an opinion is your right. My response however questioned that, maybe I was focusing on the largely American idea that I have a right to judge the actions of others. When it comes to what my friend and ex-girlfriend did, in choosing to keep their time over continuing to share it with me, I have no opinion about that. I do however have an opinion about how I have chosen to deal with it, but that is less of an opinion and more than a "feeling about" how I dealt, or am dealing, with it.
So maybe I don't really have much of an opinion and maybe that is bad, because, as she and I spoke about last night, I don't have a voice. When I don't have a voice I would assume that I would try to find one somewhere and that is bound to bind me to someone else. That is wholly unacceptable for me.
It is unacceptable because I want to be whole. And, for me, being whole is about having and using all that I have been given, all my talents and honing those things about me that require honing. When I rely on others to be my voice or preference where will I end up? I want to be me more and more each day.
A man who had influenced me, and continues to every day, once told me when referring to getting my addictions under control, "Don't be afraid of losing yourself, you've already done that. You can now only become more yourself." And that is what comes to mind now that I am facing the task of finding my voice within preference.
Sometimes I am faced with a choice, I recently learned that a mutual friend of myself and my friend that is no longer speaking to me, fell very ill. I decided to reach out and tell my friend because I knew she didn't' know. I know that our friend is more important to both of us than the distance that she needs from me. We exchanged one email each, the one in which I told her about our friend, and then her response thanking me for the information. Neither were cold but neither were written from a place of fun loving friends as we had been.
This is not important except for the fact that I was strong with the interaction, I did get a little wash of sadness over me when I received her response, which also contained generic well wishes, which I am sure were honest on her part but were in no way open for a continued email interaction. I wasn't expecting one but if it were just cold and direct I would have been able to not feel sad about it. The fact that we both love each other and do not speak right now is what is sad. I actually had to write on the whiteboard in my bedroom.
Martin,
I do NOT miss our friendship,
It was a burden to me.
It may seem a bit drastic to look at this, and I will be getting rid of it soon but it is much easier to think she was mad at me than I did nothing, that is just weird. I can't grasp it, that is loss for nothing at all. Nothing to learn, no way to get better, nothing.
I will tell you I love myself and that I have to take that a little closer to heart. There is a huge chasm between the active perception of that, and how I really feel. I notice it all the time; my mind goes to others so quickly, and that is a good thing in a world that doesn't think of others, but inside of me, that may be a disadvantage.
Remember my friend who would tell me I can only become "More myself" I am reminded of thins now. It is important to recognize that thinking of changing my thoughts, to go from others to myself, causes me to feel scared that I will be a selfish asshole, but then I think back to all that I have changed in my life that began with thoughts like this. I am going to keep reminding myself I will only become more of myself. Now I am able to be taken advantage of, by not having a preference and giving as much as I tend to do, so saying no properly and respecting others, and that means respecting our spaces, is what is important. I am an honest person, and I want to live more honestly. so I will except this challenge to change and think more of myself openly and lovingly.
Last night I went out and bought myself a couple tacos. I looked at is as a date. That's is how I wan to to start this challenge. By loving myself more directly.
I think I mentioned it already but I also spoke with myself about how much I judge myself. If I were to relate that to how I think about others. it does not compare, because I only except others as they come to me. I don't feel a need to influence them, or nudge them in any direction, I just love them as they are. That is exactly what I want to be doing to and for myself. Hence all this writing to get out all of this whatever it is.
I don't have a whole lot of things to do with myself so it seems though. well, as of right now I don't drink or really get into movies much any more. I do paint, but I don't read much, so again spending time with others has been my point of contact with love usually. When I am working or on my own I will berate myself or celebrate big wins, but that is really it. I have not just loved and cared for my mind much on my own, that is what I am missing.
Fear dictates some of that. I am planning on going into a studio, where lots of people that I care for do artwork, to share that space and be around great people also. That is one way but I still need to stop reaching outward so much. I want to care for myself always, every minute. Like when I lived with my ex, I would just look at her and give her my love, silently but intensely. Just being there was sharing. That is what I can give myself and how wonderful that would feel.
Before these days I always said I hated the beginnings of relationships because they were intense. What I loved was the relationship that is settled and built on a foundation of respect and love, one that emanates love no matter what. Two people, two individuals living as a team both doing what suits them and coming together for support and to share. Today I still love that but I am seeing that having that with myself, rather than someone else is probably they way to go. Yes this means I will be "alone" but what is alone when I have everything?
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