Home is Not A House

...but I sure want it to be.

Okay, one thing I have spoken about recently are the ladies that are not talking to me. They both have their own home, and they have had them since they were as old as 31. This seems normal in today's world I guess, but here I am 40 with no savings and no prospects of getting a home. I mean sure by the end of the month I could have one although I have no realistic way of describing what events would take place to make that happen. The homes they have are also both in Chicago. One of them was born in Chicago but grew up in the suburbs, that is all okay but I have felt pushed out of the city, and these two women have hunkered right in.

All I am saying is I want a home. I chose the arts as a career, and not the academic arts either. I am working on changing my relationship with money, have been for some time but that is deep seeded and with the added struggle of having other people dictate my life for 40 years it might take a little more time.

I feel like a complete loser. I am the "no job brother-in-law", the brother and son that needs to be carried. the friend these women must have only felt sorry for. I can't imagine what I am thought of, I guess it doesn't matter and I am getting a little emotional but I guess it is time to settle in and just ... i don't know what to do there has to be an answer, I mean I am white with a Hispanic last name, well educated and spoken, without the degree but personable and all that, there should be no problem with me getting a job that pays well, but still no house, fuck, no interviews for jobs I know I can do.

I asked my Ex if there was anything open at the company she works at and I didn't even get a response from her, although she is telling people I know there are openings they can apply for. I must be thick.

I live in a linoleum basement apartment, I hate it here. I have risked it all and still I have not done enough, I know what doesn't' work now I guess its onto something new yet again. n\No one I know has gotten a home by trying new things.