Sadness is a tough thing so I numbered this post. That is probably something I will do a lot because if I am going to write about it, well, it's probably a tough thing.
I have been sad recently. There I said it, not because of anything in particular, (although my best friend telling me they needed some space from me made me really question my value) but the sadness is really from 15 months of being sick, or in pain, or too busy paying back a debt to pick my head up and live within joy as I wont do. Now, when everything is all set for me to do just that, I pick my head up so very excited to step into the abyss and be excited about life again, what happens, nothing.
Life is so fuckin' funny that way, but what I have needed to see, and understand, is that to be sad is okay. To doubt my value is okay. To be unproductive is okay. Mainly because deep down I do love myself and I am strong and being sad doesn't stop that. It could, and if it does for me I have to be aware enough to know that I can find help. I got sad last night, deeply, I called my sister and cried to her over the phone about my lost friend, my lack of value, my doubt about myself, all along interspersing those topics with the very true statement "I know this is all bullshit," and it was, but that didn't make it any less important to me at the moment.
I do love myself but sadness can come no matter how much I love myself. I am not immune to it, I can see beauty, recognize it and still have a sense of sad about me. What I can not do, or what I do not want to do for my own health is embrace that sadness as a label to stick onto my person and own it. Like my MS, sadness is a diagnosis not a sentence. I choose to be happy even while I am sad, I choose to see beauty even though I am sad. Sad happens but to allow it to dictate your life for a day, or for 20 years, is not why we are sad. When that happens you are making a choice to be a victim it has nothing to do with sadness.