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Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Growing Pains

Wow here I am having been told by more than one person to "write it out" or to "Tell my story." To be honest I don't know what I will be writing, or telling but here goes.

Recently I lost my best friend. They didn't die or anything, she just decided to create space in our friendship, apparently because my adoration for her was more than she was able to return. I understand this but at the same time am confused by it, probably because I would not have elected to lose such a strong woman in my life. I should add that there was no romantic side to this friendship, although there was a time I would have liked to breech that, but that desire had long been put out of mind.

I have since had to do a lot of soul searching because losing a friend, especially one where our friendship revolved around food, laughing, sharing and a bit of Rummy 500, is not an easy thing. And she was absolutely right, my adoration toward her was intense it must be said. That could be said of a number of my friends though and her living only 4 blocks away probably added to that intensity.

This is not new in my life to be honest though, actually this exact thing happened to me a few years ago but with another amazingly strong woman the I was with for almost a decade, That relationship was romantic. These were similar in the fact that there was nothing "wrong" with either relationship in so far as we respected each other, as far as I could tell, and there was still love for each other, again, as far as I could tell. Another similarity was that she left quickly one day all was well and then within a short breath of time all was over. I am sorry to say that as of today I have no contact with either of these women.

So what is going on? I have had to really search myself and use all the faith and courage I have to examine where I am attracting, or repelling the people that I share the most with.

This is hard to look at because I believe that what happens on the outside, what I experience, is a physical representation of what is happening within me. So, what is going on inside me? I am looking at my relationship with money, because both of these women were successful in their own right. I on the other hand, successful in many ways was, and am, not financially successful. and of course shame and money often go hand in hand.

I am going to look at my relationship to women in my life and why I want strong, and as I see it, cold women in my life. This is another tough one. I found  want to be needed but women like this do not need and I love that, so that's going to be a mind fuck.

My little Marty. The boy who learned it was best to live without a voice than to ask for what he wanted. If I had nothing nothing could be taken from me, but even as I write that I realize I am here because of the help of others. I would much prefer to have a preference than to not. but when it comes to food, music, movies, things in general, I take what I can get and appreciate it. That is a great way to live on the one hand but without knowing that a preference exists when one actually does, and it does. well, that's dangerous territory as well.

I have become increasingly comfortable with not liking things. that is to say I realized that I liked some things for the sake of others, for the sake of not having to look at what I lacked. I am a whiny bitch sometimes about my lack of education but I know that I am fuckin smart, maybe not institutional smart but I get it. Now when I say I do not read I am comfortable with that but if I were to say that 20 years ago it would be bundled up in my lack of schooling and everything else.

All this is to say that when I think so highly of myself, and make no mistake I do, it is hard to see why anyone would want to not be around me. Arrogant, I know, but I am being honest. I am sure everyone thinks they are awesome so I am not really all that surprised by my thoughts but I am fooled by them because I believe them. I question my sanity on that all the time and am constantly coming up with the answer "Nope you are sane, and fuckin awesome."

When I was a boy I remember a time when my folks were going to get into a fight, this was not uncommon, but it was beginning to boil. It was about my mother not being able to find a right hand glove for my father, I remember thinking "Just turn one of the lefts inside out" the argument continued and I was feeling shame about knowing the answer. The argument escalated and I finally chimed in, speaking before being spoken to, and gave them my solution. I was given a glance of pride from my father and relief from my mother, I only felt shame. This was not the only time I would be ashamed of having the right answer and giving it to an adult.

Why do I feel shame about things like this? Why do I hold back my pain and joy? I am strong as all get out but I don't know how to focus that so here I am writing and I will continue to write until I get it all out. I miss my best friend, I was hurt by her no doubt but that pain is a lot of residual pain from my previous relationship that I was never totally honest about. I don't believe we need closure but we do need to do that work and these women have, in their way asked me to be better and I will take that challenge. this is the first post of my story wich will cover many things and I am ready to heal I am strong and I am ready to take the universe into my heart and be all that that I am, a god, a king as I was once told I am by a women I will always love.

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